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“You think I’m beautiful?” Shit I hadn’t meant to say that. Paul’s eyes were still watering and it was hard to tell if he was going to punch me or burst into tears.
“Fuck Paul, I’m sorry I didn’t mean…” I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Paul was on top of me and everything went black.

I felt something soft and wet on my lips and a warmth invading my mouth, that’s when I realized Paul was kissing me. I’d lost count of how many times I’d dreamed of this and it was truly indescribable. But just imagine, the best friend you’ve known your whole life, the guy you’ve watched slowly transform from a skinny little kid into the most beautiful young man, the guy that was totally off limits, now he has his tongue in your mouth and he is kissing you like it’s the only you’re the only person he’d ever wanted to put his lips on. It was amazing, but it was one hell of a shock. I was about to pull away to ask him what was going on, but then his strong hand gently caressed the back of my head and kiss tongue kept lovingly sliding against mine, so I just gave into what I’d wanted for so long. It was only when I was completely out of breath than I finally pulled away from him. That’s when I saw the tears running down his face.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” Paul’s voice was shaky, like a kid who had just fallen off his bike and was seconds away from bursting into tears.
“Paul it’s ok, you don’t need to be sorry I…” I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder but he shuffled away and put his head in his hands.
“No Jack it’s fucking not. You’re my best friend and I just kissed you. Best friends don’t kiss Jack”. Shit. How did the best moment in my life become the worst in a matter of seconds?
My mouth went dry and I struggled to talk, but now wasn’t the time to be quiet. “Paul it’s been a tough night, you’re just tired and stressed. The kiss meant nothing. So let’s just forget it. OK?” The truth was I never wanted to forget that kiss.
“No, it’s not that simple.” Paul’s voice was more of a whimper now and I could hear him quietly sobbing.
“Why not? Paul lots of straight guys have stupid experiences like this, we’ve been best friends for years and some stupid kiss won’t change that.”


Suddenly Paul leapt to his feet and went from being a shivering, vulnerable boy into a formidable beast that looked ready to fight. He started shouting.
“You don’t fucking get it Jack! I can’t just laugh this shit off and pretend it didn’t happen. I’ve spent so many years pretending I didn’t know you were gay, waiting for you to come out to me, and now you have and everything is out in the open and it feels different. I look at you and all I want to do is throw myself down on the ground with you, kiss the shit out of you and just take your clothes of…and just…put my arms around you and keep you safe”.
I had no idea what to say, so I just slowly climbed to my feet and put my arms around Paul, hugging him and letting his head rest on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry Jack, I have to go. I just need some time to think bud”. Paul pulled away from me and turned to walk away, but before he left he turned back, put his hand on my arm and kissed me on the forehead. I stood, silent and confused as I watched my best friend walk away.
*
*
*
3 a.m and I’m lying in bed, there’s no way I’m sleeping with all this on my mind. I text Jack as soon as I got home to say I hoped he was ok and to call me when he felt ready, but he didn’t reply. The moonlight flooded the room and it was actually quite relaxing just lying there tucked under the covers, enjoying the silence and stillness of night. If there weren’t so many thoughts and questions buzzing round my head this would be a nice night. What was that sound? The dead silence of night had been broken by a knocking sound, I looked round my room but nothing seemed to have fallen down, nothing was out of place, was it my imagination? Then I heard it again, I spun over in my bed.
“Fuck” I shouted in shock, Paul was at my window. I jumped out of bed and opened the window. “What the hell are you doing out there?” Paul climbed into my bedroom and instantly started pacing round the room. He hadn’t climbed up to my window like that since we were kids.

“I couldn’t sleep, and I knew you wouldn’t be asleep either. So I had to come and talk.” Paul was speaking quickly, he was clearly nervous. I sat down on my bed and put my hands on my lap, I was only wearing boxers and felt a bit exposed to a conversation that was probably going to be pretty serious. Should I get dressed? I was about to get up and go to my closet when Paul started talking, so I decided to just sit and listen…in my boxers.

“What I did tonight…when I..when I kissed you.” Paul took a deep breath and kept pacing round the room. “I hadn’t planned that. You know? It just felt right at the time, but it’s not like I’ve been scheming or anything. OK?” Paul still hadn’t made eye contact with me.
“Of course not, I understand, it took us both by surprise. It’s really ok”
“I liked it Jack”. Paul finally looked at me.
I wasn’t sure where to go from here, so I just told the truth. “Me too, I liked it a lot”.
“Good.” Was all Paul said before he threw himself on top of me, knocking me back so I was lying on the bed with him on top of me. For the second time tonight his beautiful lips pressed against mine and his tongue slid carefully into my mouth probing gently and waiting for my own tongue to respond to make sure I was ok. Instinctively I kissed him back and licked passionately at his tongue. As a response he unleashed the deepest moan I’d ever heard and pushed his tongue further into my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his broad and muscular back which was covered only by one thin shirt. Paul broke the kiss.
“Fuck” Paul moaned.
I just lay there panting. “Is everything ok?” I asked carefully.
Paul kissed my neck and ran his hand through my hair, I took that as his way of saying everything was fine. Now it was my turn to moan, as soon as I felt his lips on my neck I let out a moan and tilted my head to give him proper access to my neck.
Paul giggled, god even his giggle sounded sexy. “You sound happy Jacky boy”. I looked up and he was grinning at me, it was nice to see him smile after the night we’d had.
“I couldn’t be any happier right now”. I fired back at him.
“Oh really?” Paul leaned back and in one quick motion pulled his shirt over his head, exposing his toned abs and chest. He fell back on top of me and now his bare skin was against mine. The warmth of his chest and stomach against mine made me feel safe and like I’d never be alone or cold again. In fact lying under my best friend, knowing he’d kill anyone or anything that ever tried to hurt me, I finally felt at rest, like I just wanted to fall asleep knowing he was there to protect me.
“Somebody is tired” Paul said above me, with a little smile on his face, he rolled off me and sat on the edge of the bed, I thought he was about to leave and I couldn’t help but feel alone. Paul unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and kicked them off before turning his head and smiling at me. He climbed into the bed and pulled the covers over both of us, then with minimal effort he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arm around me. Yeap, Jacky boy sure was happy.
*
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*
There was a thundering smash and I jolted up out of bed, God I hate nightmares, then I turned round and noticed Paul was sitting up wide awake too.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” I asked him groggily while rubbing my eyes.
“No Jack, there’s someone downstairs”.