A story of Moving On

The relationship was not perfect. but it was like heaven everyday. I wake up every morning with a big smile on my face. I have never felt so complete all my life. I couldn't ask more than what I have right now. One day, he came into me. His eyes was full of emotions but he wasn't saying anything. He gave the sweetest embrace I am expecting from him as always. but this is so different. ironically, It says a lot.

Without a word, he speaks to me. I felt that heart-pounding sadness I have yet to feel. my breath stopped as I count the seconds that passed. I was shocked with the first few words I heard from him as he whispered. "Can you break up with me." I was shocked. my eyes widened. My heart stopped and I said no. I was mad. never bedazzled. I tried to get away from that hug to see the reaction in his face hoping that he was joking. but he was strong enough to hold me back. he then whispered to me again. "please". but this time he is crying. I can feel the tears in my neck running out from his eyes. my heart beats faster than ever. I deserve a reason. a sort of explanation of this melodramatic scene. I gathered all my strength just to see his face and I knew then that he was crying. again I said no with a harsh tone of voice. "can you please stop this nonsense. the only thing to separate both of us is death". he cried harder and embraced me tighter. this is even more intense, yet quiet. I can only feel his cries. then he said, " I am".

I have never felt this scared before. My eyes widened. the feeling was bizarre. I wanted to shout. nothing came out of my mouth and tears ran from eyes without me noticing it. I know where this is heading and I don't wanna hear the next words he is about to say. if I knew he was gonna say that, I should have said yes the first time he wanted to break up. I can pretend that he just found someone else. I would even want him to be with someone else rather than... I am so sick. this sadness is killing me. it sucks out the life I have. This is traumatic. This is hell. Bull shit. I wanted to shout. I wanted him to say that he was just joking. but he is not.

I said that "I wanted to be with you. Until the end". and that decision killed me nearly each day. seeing him leaving would help me move on. but I chose to stay with him. everyday, was like a misery. each day, was a torture as I see him suffer. my soul shattered. my fleshed teared and my emotions dried up. Bull shit. Why. it was harder than I thought. everyday I see him suffer. I feel the same pain. the more I hold onto him, the more I can see the longanimity which I know I cannot stand to watch. I never feel sorry for myself. I choose to love him till the end. until one day, I have accepted the fate. whatever it is to happen, ill accept it.

The dr said, that he may be gone in few days. I stayed with him till those last days that I have him. I savoured the drama. I didn't report to work. I wanted to stay with him till the last breath of his life. I don't want to leave his side anymore. every day, my heart beats faster, my body weighs more. its a greater load of suspense and sadness. I wipe my tears as I enter the door and hold his arms tighter. I don't want him to feel I am so sad, but I am. I cannot hide it in whichever way possible. I kissed him as gently as I could and made he sure he can feel the deepest love I want to him to feel. it was a kiss that made me cry saying how much I love him. I said "i love you and I always will. wait for me there, I will find you in our next life, my love. I will live for both of us". I didn't go home anymore, I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to be there and be the first person he sees every morning and the last he sees till he closes his eyes finally. I was there when the doctor said time of death 2 51.

I cried the hardest. I screamed the loudest. I wanted the world to feel my hatred. I wanted everyone to feel this curse. I wanted them to hear the day my world ends and my heart stopped beating as it turned cold and frozen deep.

7 years passed, the memory is still here. my heart never beat again. I still remember the details of your face and it cries my heart out feeling the same sadness. I still cry whenever I see his pictures on my album. I even had a heart attack when I watched his last video on that swimming competition when he was still strong. I still sat on the first staircase and takes an hour before I go to the second floor. the door on our room is still the scariest part of my house not because I am afraid of his ghost. in fact, I want him to be there. I am afraid that every corner of that room reminds me of him and all I can afford to do is cry. If I can only have at least a short moment to see him and be with him. I will never have a second thought but grab it. I will savour even the shortest day he can provide. or even just an hour. or even just a minute to speak with him.

I cannot see the purpose of my life. I cannot see my reason for living. I am like a zombie now. I breathe , I wake up but I don't have a soul. I don't see my purpose. there is nothing in life that I have yet to feel. I am not alive . the moment you left, you took away my very soul. why cant you just kill me now. Damn.

I am sick and I miss him that much. I still remember, whenever I open the door and stops in front of it hoping that he welcomes me inside. I still cannot sing our theme song without me crying. I still remember everything about him. his brand of shoes was Nike, his perfume was Ferrari.. that soothing scent of black Ferrari which drove me crazy a lot of times. his waist was size 30, the last shirt he wore was striped blue. . I remember him in every places I go. Whenever I dine in at a restaurant and sit in a table for two. I reserve the next seat for you. I remember him in every love song played, in every love birds, in every couple shirt.

He reminds me of everything I do. then I will just cry thinking of this. my heart will never be revived. what have I been doing. my life is wasted. I have accepted to live my life again like this all my days. And every morning as I wake up, seem to be a disappointment. Because I have another 24hrs to die slowly in grief. I will never love someone again. I have always wished not to find the person that I will love more than myself. But it was not granted. Because I found you. and worse. I fell in love with you the way I never wanted. Now that you're gone. You just took away everything in me. But I don't feel any regret in all these tears, because I have always been happy with all the memories I have with you. I will never regret the day that I met you. I will love you until the end and till the day that I finally have to say goodbye. Wait for me there, and soon we will be re-united.

Written and saved march 2014. Please spare my grammar. I haven’t proofread this yet.
PS: I still haven’t found the person to replace you in my heart.