Ask Me No Questions - Part 3

In the years that have passed since I destroyed my friendship with Scotty, he has never sought revenge or gone out of his way to be rude or mean. He simply cut me out of his life and without a word being spoken, it was clear that I was persona non grata. 

Todd was a different story altogether. He sought his revenge by developing a friendship with Scotty. He’d park his car right in front of my house and walk across the street to Scotty’s. I would just sit on the corner of my bed next to the window and watch this friendship grow day-by-day. 
Before long, I found myself falling asleep with my head resting in the windowsill. I’d wake up in the morning to find Todd’s car still parked along the curb.

I knew that that this was going to be bad for all of us. Todd was using Scotty to exact his revenge on me. I knew that I would not be much longer before Todd “outed” me to Scotty. That would be the end to any hope for forgiveness. I tried to imagine how Scotty would react when he finds out that I’m gay. The possibilities are endless.

Nevertheless, I was falling madly in love with Scotty while I helplessly watched him falling in love with Todd. I had often tortured myself by sitting in my dark bedroom imagining what was going on in Scotty’s bedroom when Todd stayed the night. I wasn’t prepared to witness it to say that least.

One night I saw Todd’s car pull up well after midnight. Scotty came out through the side gate and walked across the lawn towards Todd’s car. They sat out there talking for along time and then right before my eyes, I watched them begin to kiss. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt to see that and not be able to do anything about it. I just collapsed into a heap on the floor between my bed and the wall. I cried so hard that no sound was coming out. My life was slipping away in the front seat of that car and I was powerless to stop it. 

I have never felt so sad. On the other side of my bedroom door was an entire family of people who loved me, yet I had never felt so empty and alone. I managed to crawl up onto my bed where I cried until I fell asleep. I figured that Todd’s plan to use Scotty was foiled when he actually fell in love with him. It made perfect scenes. How could anyone not fall in love with someone like Scotty? 

Our last year of high school was only weeks away. Graduation night was something that Scotty and I had planned on since the first day of high school. I’m not sure if it was the lack of Scotty in my life or the 4 years of maturity we had gained through high school, but a night at Disneyland didn’t seem as spectacular at 18, as it did when we where 15. 

I hoped that Scotty would still go because I knew that he would be thinking of me the entire night and about the plans we made. But as I drove up our street thinking about Scotty and Grad Nite, the lid was being blown off of my hidden sexuality. I pulled into my driveway totally unaware that the day that I have been dreading had arrived. I put the car in park and got out holding my bag of food from Wendy’s

My attention was immediately drawn to a commotion across the street. There was Scotty walking across the street right towards me. Todd was pulling on his arm trying to stop him but he couldn’t.
I was like a deer caught in the headlights. I heard Scotty tell Todd to fuck off and go away. Todd just walked back to his car and scratched away.

This was it! The day I had been waiting for. All hope was lost. I could see angry tears in Scotty’s eyes and he came charging across my front lawn like a bull out of the chute. 

Scotty was still a good 10 or 15 feet away when he pointed an angry finger right at my face.

“Is it true?” Scotty said glaring at me.

“Yes! I’m gay.” I said.

“No Terry! Is it true that you called out my name when you where with Todd?”

“Yes.” I said as I started to cry. I hadn’t heard Scotty say my name since that day and it was overwhelming. 

“Why Terry? Why would you say my name?” Scotty said with a confused expression.

“Because I’m in love you Scotty.”

“Well this all seems so familiar, but don’t worry because I not going to beat the shit out of you and walk away. I’m just going to walk away.” Scotty said.

I was sobbing like a baby and trying to tell him how sorry I am. It was barely understandable through the crying. I had just confessed my love for him and he turned and walked away. I was calling his name but he just ignored me. 

“Don’t hate me Scotty! You don’t have to like me, but please don’t hate me.” I said like someone who was begging for his life.

Scotty slowed his pace and came to a stop in the middle of my front yard. He turned and walked back over to me. I saw his arms reaching out as he approached me. He was crying just as hard as I was. He hugged me tightly. “Oh dam you Terry! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“I’m so sorry Scotty. I’ve ruined everything.” I said.

Scotty just spoke quietly directly into my ear as he hugged me. I was certain that it would be the last time.

“Listen to me! I forgive you, okay? I forgive you.” He said.

I didn’t even have enough time to thank him. He just turned and walked away. I wanted to say something but I was at a loss. Hearing him say that I was forgiven was what I needed more then anything else in the world. 

About half way across my lawn, Scotty turned his head while he continued walking. He gave me the saddest look. His words cut through me like a knife. 

“It could have been forever Terry. You know that, right?”

I just stood there watching him until he went inside of his house. I pulled myself together before I went into the house. But there is something about mothers that make it okay to cry. I can remember hurting my self as a boy and walking all the way home, leaving a trail of blood in my path without so much as a single tear. But the instant I arrived home and saw my mother, I’d start balling like a baby.

I walked into the kitchen to tell my mother that Scotty had just forgiven me after all of these years. And the second my mother turned around, I started balling.

I slept like a baby that first night. And even though Scotty remained distant. It wasn’t as distant as it usual. I was beginning to feel the healing effect on the emotional scars that had been with me for so long. Scotty would even give me a casual “hello” when he passed each other in the hallway at school.

When Grad Nite finally arrived I stood away from the crowd as the school busses arrived to take us to Disneyland. I looked for Scotty but I didn’t see him. I waited until only one bus was left before I hopped aboard. 10 minutes later the bus started moving and Scotty was not on it. So there was my definite answer. Scotty was not going to be there like we had planned.

As soon as the group from my bus walked through the front entrance to the Magic Kingdom, I set off in the opposite direction so that I could be alone. At 6pm I caught the boat that carries people across the river to Tom Sawyer Island. Scotty loved it here and I remember spending almost half a day here walking around on the rope bridges. I remember sitting in a hallowed out tree near the water with Scotty. It didn’t take very long to find it. I had grown too big to fit inside, so I just leaned up against a wooden rail and looked at Scotty’s handwriting on the list.

I couldn’t keep my eyes from getting watery as I remember the good times. I remember how Scotty and I would make plans to do things well into our 40’s. Then I heard Scotty’s voice right behind me. 

“Don’t turn around!” He said

I felt Scotty wrap his arms around me from behind. He rested his chin on my left shoulder and I was lost in the feeling of being wrapped in his arms for the first time. 

Scotty kissed me softly on the side of my neck. “I never stopped loving you.” He said. I tried to respond but Scotty stopped me. 

“Promise me that you’ll never hurt me again and I’ll love you forever, I swear!” Scotty said.