Beginnings, Part VII

I couldn’t believe it. I thought of the threesome between Ryan, Mr. Jordan, and I. How could Jordan kick him off the team? I remembered Ryan telling me that, if he didn’t get a scholarship, he probably wouldn’t get to go to college. His whole future gone in a flash. I thought of my own fate, trapped in this small town forever, no way out. I thought of Ryan staying around while Michael went off to college. The thought of Michael leaving cut through my stomach like a knife and left a heavy feeling in my stomach. It was guilt I was feeling, absolute guilt over what I was doing. How could I cheat on Michael like this? What was I thinking? I was sure what I felt for Ryan wasn’t the same as Michael. With Ryan it was just animal lust and hormones; with Michael it was something much, much deeper. All this ran through my head, but all I said to Ryan was:

“Wow, man. I’m sorry….”

Without asking, I reached over and pulled a cigarette from his packet, placing it to my lips. He flicked his lighter and I inhaled deeply. The smoke scratched my throat, but I wouldn’t cough. I deserved the pain anyway. Ryan and I sat on my bed, saying nothing.
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My quick reflexes saved my shoes as the girl in front of me leaned forward and vomited everywhere with barely a warning. Her friends quickly raced to hold up her hair, while I decided it was time to find someone less drunk to talk to. Unfortunately, high school parties aren’t known for sobriety. Michael had dragged me to this thing. Like all high school parties, someone’s parents had gone out of town and word had spread around school. What was meant to be a gathering of just a few of Michael’s friends ballooned into a chaotic orgy of alcohol abuse. It wasn’t the kind of orgy I wanted to attend, that’s for sure. And since this was also a farm house, there was plenty of space for plenty of people.

Michael had disappeared with a girl who, having had far too much to drink, began to cry uncontrollably over nothing, and I was left alone. I wandered through the house, walking over collapsed bodies and trying not to laugh at who was hooking up. “They’re definitely going to regret that tomorrow,” I thought, chuckling, watching a guy and girl feeling each other up on the couch.

Frustrated, I walked out the back door and lit a cigarette. I was fast becoming a regular smoker and didn’t give a shit either. Too many people crowded around the pool, so I walked deeper into the darkness of the empty field until everyone’s voices began to fade away. When I felt like there was enough distance, I lay down and looked up at the night sky. The glow of the house stood a short distance from me.

I halfway finished with my second cigarette when I heard footsteps coming near. I quickly sat up.

“They said I’d find you out here,” Michael said, waving his hand towards the people in the distance. He saw the cigarette and I saw a flash of confusion through the shadows of his face. “Since when do you smoke, Mr. Mitchell?”

“Oh, this? I, uhh, it’s just something for parties. After a few drinks, that’s all.” Another lie.

He didn’t say anything, but sat down beside me. He took my hand and put my cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply and holding it before letting the smoke out.

“Since when do YOU smoke, Mr. Smith?”

He chuckled.

“I only use it when I want cute guys to think I’m cool,” he replied, putting his arm around me. “Is it working?”

“Always.”

Silence passed between us for a few seconds.

“I got you a present, Jake. I wasn’t going to give it to you until later, but, well I don’t want to wait.” I could barely see his face in the dark, but he was definitely grinning from ear to ear.

“A present? For me? What is it, a blowjob or something?”

He laughed like I’d said the funniest thing in the world, and I just grimaced. I felt so guilty for what I’d done with Ryan, and it was eating me alive. Michael pulled his arms from around my waist and reached into his bag. He pulled out a brown leather-bound notebook and handed it to me.

“It’s a journal for you. You want to be a writer and I hear the best thing is to start writing everything down you think of, and then you can put it all together. And I had it engraved, see?”

He pointed to my name, embossed in gold at the bottom.

“Now once you’re a famous writer,” he continued with a grin, “you can ‘accidentally’ leave this somewhere and people will pay thousands of dollars for it to see where all your ideas come from.”

I didn’t know what to say. I stubbed out my cigarette and, grabbing Michael, I hugged him as tight as I could.

“I love it,” I finally replied.

“Jeez, Jake, don’t choke me,” he laughed.

“Sorry,” I muttered, and loosened my grip. “I just really liked it is all.”

Michael looked at me. His face looked… sad, somehow. My heart was racing and my stomach felt heavy with the guilt that had permanently settled there. I had to tell him the truth.
“Okay,” he replied, and reached over to open the journal to the first page. “One more thing.”

On the first page, he had written me a short note.

To Jake,
Promise that one day, you’ll write about us. Then, we can live forever. I love you.
Michael

I read the words again and again, not saying anything. My eyes started to tear up. I opened my mouth to tell him that I loved him too, and how much he meant to me. Instead, I said,
“I cheated on you. I slept with Ryan. And I didn’t mean it, I couldn’t stop myself. I love you so much and I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m sorry Michael, I’m so, so sorry!”

It came out in one quick breath. Michael didn’t say anything, he just stood up and backed away like I was a stranger. I started to cry. I stood up and tried to move towards him, but he moved away again.

“You… you cheated?” His voice sounded so hurt.

“I’m so sorry Michael. Please believe me!”

Could he see my face? It was so dark, I couldn’t see his, and I wondered what it looked like. If he could only see me crying, see how truly sorry I was, he’d HAVE to forgive me. I wanted to see his eyes, but they were covered in shadows.

“I… don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you’d do this to me, Jake. I trusted you... I loved you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there, clutching the journal he’d given me, tears streaming down. Once again I stepped towards him and held my hand out to touch his arm, but he pulled it away like he’d been burned.

“Don’t touch me,” he said, his voice both hurt and angry. “Leave me alone, Jake. Stay the fuck away from me.”

And with that, he walked away. I stood motionless, and watched the darkness swallow him.

My phone began to ring. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out.
RYAN.

I just stared at his name on the screen for a second before answering.
“Where you at, Mitchell? I’m horny, and I’m outside your place. Let me in, let’s…”

“I’m not home, Ryan, “ I interrupted, “and I won’t let you in anymore, so just go away. It’s over between us, you got that?”
“What the fuck are you talking…”

Before he finished, I slammed my phone shut and threw it down to the ground. It lay there, silent. I felt numb.

I clutched Michael’s gift to my chest and set off into the dark. I couldn’t go near the house and I was pretty far outside of town, but I was sure I could hitchhike a ride. I needed to get into town, to go back where all this began. I needed to feel anything besides the numbness that enveloped me. I thought of the first guy to make me feel alive, the one who took my virginity and started this whole chain. I set off to find Mark.