Blood and Love : Chapter 19

*** Excerpts from the journal of Daniel Damien….

*** 1855, 5th January.

Today has marked the end of the bond closest to my heart. Arthur has gone. The promises of a lifetime of bliss and love have gone with him. I have nothing left to cherish. My life has come to a standstill. The entire Damien estate around me is bustling with activity: rigorous cleaning and preparations. A serene chaotic atmosphere is pervasive in the mansion. I enquired and was informed by our bubbling butler that my father’s closest friend of years Mr. Askern and his son Alexander are coming to stay with us. While the butler was providing me with the information, I heard my father’s commanding voice from the top of the spiral marble staircase.

“Daniel, I would like to talk to you in my study. Now.”

I looked up at the frame of the decisive man, his hand clutching his sturdy walking stick, standing against a large portrait of the smiling visages of my brother, my father and me. I noticed the differences between the art and the muse. The thick bushy eyebrows and moustache set on a hard, lined and impassive face. While the art showed a smiling benevolent father, the muse was a decisive, firm, strict and dominating authoritarian. I had no inclination to speak with anyone, let alone him. However, I was in no mood to direct another argument and decided to do as directed.

The study was a huge room with shelves of books, maps and artifacts, some family heirlooms while others mere decorations. The ensemble boasted of generations of royal education, the Damien lineage and bloodline. My father was sitting in the ornate chair behind his huge ebony desk covered with papers, few books, quills, ink et al. Perhaps, matters regarding the city’s governance and development. Being the Mayor, my father exhibited the grandeur of the position and the associated responsibilities.

“Yes father. You wished to speak with me.”

He looked at me with his piercing grey eyes from below the bushy eyebrows. After analyzing me for a minute, he spoke.

“How are you?”

I bit back the retort and answered in a restrained tone. “Let us not discuss my well- being father. I do not wish to talk about …that.”

He narrowed his eyes but spoke softly. “You know whatever I did was for your good. Your association with that young man was most unnatural and unacceptable. The prestige of the estate, the family and the honor of our lineage was at stake.”

“For my good! Unnatural and unacceptable! I’m sorry father but you were, you are and will always be incapable of understanding your children. After mother’s death, you may have given us wealth, name, education but the one thing, the most important one: love; Father, you failed to provide us!” I hissed in frenzy.

“Daniel Damien! That’s enough!” He bellowed. I could see anger building in his shivering frame and hurt pride in his eyes. “I will not tolerate an argument from my sons. Behave and be in control of your tongue! You will not indulge in your unnatural whims till I breathe. Arthur Ray was a abomination and you will forget him! You will do as I say!”

I looked at him in sheer anger but could not utter another argument. I couldn’t argue any further. Seeing me quiet he continued.

“My friend Askern is coming tomorrow. His son Alexander will accompany him. Remember Daniel, I have known Askern since my Wittenberg university and militia days and I shall not tolerate any misdemeanor. Moreover, Alexander is nineteen now and wishes to enroll in the University. You have been an eminent scholar there and with your twenty-first birthday next week, you will have earned your degree. Askern expects you to help Alexander with the University enrollment procedure. And I have promised that you will. Is that understood?”

I looked straight into his eyes. I had a lot to say. I wanted to refuse. I wanted to do anything to thwart the man.

“Yes.”

“Then we are settled. You may leave.” He said and returned to his documents.

I turned and walked out to the roof. As I stood looking into the distant orange horizon and the vast landscape of slowly darkening greenery, a tear made its way down my cheek.

“Was I going to suffer forever?”

*** 1885, 6th January.

The Askerns arrived today. A certain feeling has emanated in my being. I can’t make sense of it. The more I try to fathom the depths of this alien feeling, the more elusive it seems to comprehension. My existence appears to be a paradox. Perhaps, I’ll narrate the entire episode in this journal. Maybe then I shall receive some clarity about this issue.

We stood at the ornate, majestic oak door waiting for the Askerns. My father stood leaning on his stick looking into the distance. I stood near the entrance away from him. Evan was not back from the trip to a relative. The other officials and servants stood according to the decrees and status. As the receiving party stood patiently I started taking in the weather. It was a gloomy day. The January sun was veiled by slightly dark clouds promising rain. The wind had gathered momentum and was cool, slightly strong. The clouds cast their shadows on the earth below and the ambiance was that of a dusk scene at noon. Birds were flying towards their nests perhaps; the rain was to come soon. The scent in the air indicated that the clouds had landed somewhere.

Suddenly, the call of the watchman brought me back to my company and I saw the iron gates being thrown open to let in a carriage drawn by two handsome white horses of superior breed. The black but lavish carriage traversed the path leading up to the house and halted in front of us. The valet got off the ride and handsomely, with the grace of a noble’s official, opened the carriage entrance. An old man in his sixties, clad in a traveling coat on top of a handsome suit, with a stick and an eye-glass, got out. With a beaming face he walked towards my father and the men embraced.

“It’s been so long, Damien.” Mr. Askern spoke in a cheery booming voice.

“Sure it has. There is a lot to talk about. Let’s proceed to the hall.” My father stopped for a second and looked around puzzled. “Where is Alexander?”

“Oh! Alexander was behind us. You are aware how charged a youth my son is. He decided to ride on his horse to the place. He will be here in another minute. Ah! There he is.” Askern pointed towards the gate from where the neighing sound had come.

I turned to look and time stopped.

A handsome black horse was galloping on the stony gravel path that led up to us. But the rider, Alexander was a rarity. Young man, the look of an eighteen year old, an innocent face with a cute grin rode the horse. The wind was flirting with his medium length blonde hair. His coat flying with the wind as the horse gained speed. He stopped at the door and dismounted. He wasn’t that tall. In fact he came up to my shoulders.

“Alexander! How are you, my boy?” My father cheered and embraced him.

“I’m fine, sir.” Alexander curtseyed and flashed a shy charming smile.

I found my self gaping at Alexander. His face was flushed with the ride and a rosy complexion arose on his pale cheeks. His lips were light pink and his eyes the color of the emerald green. They twinkled like a diamond and had an intensity that could seer through you. His physique was impressive. He appeared to be athletic.

“Meet Daniel. He will be helping you in the admissions.” My father suddenly said.

Alexander turned to look at me and flashed another charming smile and lifted his hand.

“Good morning, Mr. Damien.”

I hesitated for a second as his words got me out of my reverie. Slowly, I took his hand. It was very soft and cold. My hand was cold and sweaty. At the touch he politely frowned for a split second before smiling cheerfully.

“Call me Daniel.” That was all I managed.

“Only if you call me Alex.” Alexander answered softly and winked.

I simply shook my head and smiled confused.

“Let’s get going. It’s time for dinner. I’d suggest that you both get ready for the dinner. It’d have been a long journey.” My father announced and everyone entered the mansion.

Alex stopped and turned to look at me. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t read. A soft smile on his face as if he was amusing himself on a private joke. With that he turned and entered.

I stood watching him go. I walked outside the portico and stood staring into the mansion. I could see Alex smiling. Laughing and talking to my father, acting a perfect gentleman. I could see my father being impressed. I felt a rush of warmth in me. But, this warmth had a tinge of fear to it. I was soaring into unnamed territory. I had no idea. Was this right?

Suddenly, the sky burst open and thunder and lightning filled the atmosphere. Rain made its way to the earth. I stood in the rain letting it wash over me. I needed answers. But for now tranquility was what I desired.

*** 1885, 10th January

Alex. The mere mentioning of the name sends shivers throughout my being. An unfamiliar nervousness coupled with ecstasy, a fluttery feeling in the heart and an immediate smile are the results of his name. I can only imagine how I look when he is actually present.

It’s been a few days yet I feel drawn towards him. His charm is magnetic. Whenever we sit for the meals or during the conversation sessions in my father’s study, I can’t stop myself from looking at him and losing track of time and space. But, the best feeling of bliss comes when I see him subtly looking at me and smiling softly. Often he winks at me while taking a sip of wine. Whenever we run into each other in the corridors, he smiles his charming smile while I stand with my hat in my hands, staring at him and smiling foolishly. Often he arms brushes mine while passing in the corridors and I can’t help getting shivers of anticipation running all over me.

Today, he spent the afternoon with me writing his applications for the university. We were seated in my room. While he sat at my table writing a letter, I sat across from him feigning to read a novel. Often I tried to sneak a glance at him. Heaven knows he was innocent and beautiful as he sat nibbling at the end of the quill, slightly frowning at the contents of his letter, thinking deeply. He then looked up and our eyes met. I hastily returned to my novel.

After a few minutes I heard his soft boyish voice addressed to me.

“What are you so engrossed in Daniel?”

I looked up aghast. Perhaps, the look on my face showed some mortification, for he instantly said.

“Did I disturb you? I’m sorry I had no idea you were busy.”

“Oh! No, not at all.” I immediately spoke. “I was just lost in these lines here. It took me time to take in what you were saying.” I tried to smile.

“What lines have enamored you so much? Can you read them to me?” He suggested and leaned on the table to listen.

I was trapped. I looked down at the random page that was open. What impressive lines would I talk about? My nervousness was getting paramount when I noticed a line which explained my predicament well. I cleared my throat and in an almost steady voice read.

“He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.”

That was all I read. It hardly took a few seconds. I looked up at the reaction of my listener.

Alex was smiling softly. There was a twinkle in his dark brown eyes.

“You seem to be of a very romantic disposition.”

“Uhm…Well…I can’t really say.” I tried to formulate an answer. “It’s just that the lover’s predicament is so universal.”

“This predicament has been the bane of several unrequited relationships.” He said.

“True. But it’s not his fault. Love is an over-whelming emotion. We tend to transgress all boundaries, all social and even moral codes for love. Love is like the raging waves of the oceans. Once they cross the limits of the shore and enter lives, they wash everything away that comes in their path. Love over-whelms everything. Hence, this predicament is natural and justified. It prevents any crossing of lines.” I answered thinking about Arthur and my failed relationship and my swaying aside the feelings for Alex.

Alex got up and walked towards the window. He cast the curtains aside and threw them open. It was raining outside. Cold strong winds made their way into the chamber. He stood looking into the night without speaking. I felt uncertain about what to do so I sat still looking at his back. Finally, he spoke.

“Do you see the rain, Daniel? It’s another form of the waves you talk about; another form of water’s existence. You say love is like the raging waves. It encompasses and over-whelms. Love is also like this rain. It sooths, it washes away the mundane, the dust, the weariness of the summer sun. It liberates and rejuvenates. True love breathes life into you. You look at the destructive side only. Yes, love over-whelms. But that’s the nature of love. The thirst for love…..the pining for affection. Unrequited love gives a lot of pain. But, the worst is the regret of not confessing your love. It stays there forever like a thorn stuck in your heart.”

He turned to look at me. He was smiling. I sat transfixed, staring at him. I had been swept away by what he had said. Lightning and thunder appeared outside and I woke from my trance. I looked at him framed against the rain enveloped landscape. I don’t remember how it happened. I threw the book aside, crossed the distance between us in three strides and came face to face with him. He was a head shorter and looked up into my eyes. I looked into the deep twinkling brown eyes.

“Then, I don’t want to live with this regret forever. I love you, Alexander Askern.”

With that I took his face in my hand and kissed him on the lips. He reciprocated and our lips united in a passionate confession of love. The rain intensified, the winds blew harder and thunder filled the air. Love had prevailed.

*** 1885, 17th January

It has been the most exhilarating one week of my life. Alex and I are gradually coming to terms with this new found intimacy and platonic love between us. Ever since the first kiss and declaration of love, I have started feeling the familiar warmth and deep connection with Alex. I become uneasy if he’s away from me for more than an hour. The desire to hold him to me and never let go is gradually gaining strong hold in my heart. I feel a yearning for him whenever he’s away from me. Our physical intimacy is restricted to kissing and lying together. The consummation of our relationship may happen tomorrow night.

Evan is back and I immediately told him everything. Evan and I are very close and never keep secrets from each other. He was extremely happy for me and congratulated me while embracing me. I was at peace. As long as I had Evan with me, I felt the sense of right being there and my conscience wouldn’t prick. But, the moment of truth remained. My father was unaware of what was budding under his very roof. What he had banished in the form of Arthur from the door step had crept in and pervaded his entire realm as Alex.

*** 1885, 19th January.

What has happened? The sole question has been gnawing at the edges of my existence as I’m trying to comprehend the events that have happened in the last 36 hours. Where has everything suddenly come to? Everything that has happened since the eve of 18th January is now a blur for me. I need a clear memory to envision my next step. I need to get rid of the frenzy. I’ll write down everything that has happened chronologically and decide my stratagem.

It was the town’s establishment day. The elite members of the society of Mysticus Domus were to sign the document of the town’s establishment and establish governance comprising of the elite families. The historic event was to happen during the grand gala ball in the evening. Our family was the oldest and most respected, hence the Damiens were hosting the event. Needless to say, my father had gone all out to ensure the grandeur of the historic event that would mark the prestige of our lineage.

The guests had gathered in the atrium of the Town Hall. The Town hall was at a convenient distance from the Damien estate and hence the management of the event had been easy. Amidst the huge gathering that had turned up for the event, the proletariats staid outside, waiting for the announcement. Inside were the rich and wealthy upper middle class and aristocrats. The inner circle of the governance, the core of the establishment comprised of the Damiens, the Rochesters, the Gellars, The Brontes, the Keats and the Oakwoods. The atrium was huge and could accommodate about five hundred people. Ornate, grand with beautiful and expensive portraits, velvet curtains and intricate designs, the Town hall was a symbol of power, position and the town’s history.

The evening commenced with the signing of the documents by the core members at a table in the centre of the hall, designed for the specific purpose. My father was made the Mayor while the legal authority went to the Brontes. Oakwoods took the economic departments while Keats the public concerns. The Gellars held the law and justice departments while Rochester became the deputy Mayor. Hereafter the Mayor declared the celebrations to commence.

An exquisite night of fireworks and carnivals! The entire town was rejoicing its new status as a developing place. Development was knocking at the doors. The elite celebrations moved from the atrium to the Damien’ estate. Wine, music and dance- a lavish feast and ball had been thrown for the rich. I stood with a glass of wine looking at the party. My father was busy socializing while Evan was dancing with the Ms, Rochester-s and the Ms. Bronte-s. As I turned towards the staircase I saw Alex and my heart stopped due to the breathtaking view. He looked exceptionally handsome, in fact gorgeous. The suit he wore fit his form perfectly and accentuated his physique. His hair was done neatly and he glowed. At that moment I just wanted to rush to him and make him mine.

He came down and socialized with the other families. After some time he walked towards me with a glass of champagne.

“You look amazing.” I whispered to him.

“And we’re still in this boring party.” He looked straight into my eyes and said. That was one of the most wonderful things about him. His straight-forwardness, his defiance, his unabashed manner gave me strength. I felt a new person around him. I felt I could take the world with him. I took his hand and we sneaked to my bedroom. Once in our lips met passionately. Passion and lust over-whelmed me as his scent and ardor filled my senses, switching all off except the need for contact, for pleasure, for love. Our clothes were gone in a jiffy and I was on top of him kissing every part of his beautiful body.

Pinning him to the bed, rubbing myself against him, getting every contact I could to satiate the yearning in my skin to feel him, to touch him. Our love-making became intense and soon I was in him. Our bodies swayed rhythmically as he moaned in pleasure while I became passionate with the strong sensations of thrusting, of control, of making him moan. We climaxed in our arms. Sweaty, heavy breathing, glassy-eyed we kissed. Our relationship was consummated. I declared I would love him till the end of my days. Before he could reply the door opened and my father walked in.