Changes 3: Blur (rewrite)

Rain poured on me and I felt my clothes sticking to my body as I walked. “Cliché” was the one word that came to mind. Of course there had to be rain, I want my life to be a drama; only I wasn’t making this up. Sometimes you don’t fiction isn’t enough; there aren’t enough words to tell what it feels to lose someone.

I walked slowly across the dark, feeling my feet inside my shoes as they touched the ground, my hands in the pockets of my wet jeans, my blood inside my body, heavy, so heavy I could just stand in the middle of the street and let the rain drown me. “We meet Mark at the age of 18, lost and alone, burdened by a secret he kept from his friends, a secret of something he did not choose nor want. Mark was gay and in love with his best friend, Matt. His secret and the crushing pain he felt had become too much to bear and suicide became the solution. “ I don’t know what I thought of that… Now all I could think about was Changes. All those lines I wrote all those clichés, all the drama I made up for Mark and Matt just to realize I had become Mark, and I had no idea what I was talking about before.

My name is Mark, and the Changes have happened to me (to some extent) and my original idea for this next chapter was to go back to the beginning and change it. But everything has changed on its own, and life and fiction have come together to create this next chapter, were everything’s distorted, everything’s changed, everything’s… a Blur.

CHANGES 3 : B L U R

**** 1.

I sat on a bench in the locker room. If you think I’m back in high school you’re wrong… those days are long behind me and I am now in the locker room of a gym my best friend forced me to come to. At first I agreed because I knew I needed to keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t think of Rick but then I kept going because of all the hot, naked men in the locker room (which kept my mind busy). I pretended to check my cellphone was the tall, tanned jock I had been cruising since I sat down, passed by to “drink water” he pretended not to look at me and I pretended not to look at him. I grinned as I looked at his hard chest, smooth back, perfectly round ass accentuated by the white towel. The jock disappeared and from the showers came Jimmy, rolling his eyes and laughing at me.

“What!” I laughed.
“What... I saw the two of you fucking in your eyes. Give him your number”
“No way… I can’t”
“Come on… pussy”
“Fuck you; I don’t see you giving your number to anyone”
“If someone came up to me I would”
“Why don’t you go up to them?”
“I don’t do that” he calmly replied as he put on his underwear. “Wow you need some dick pronto” he broke me out of my eye fucking the shit out of tree guys that went inside the showers.
“Shut up. Let go”
“Why don’t you shower and jerk off with someone”
“I can’t… not ready to get naked in a public gay place”
“It’s a gym, it’s not a gay place” A locker shut behind us made us turn to see two guys smiling at us as they put on their underwear for the third time.
“It’s not?” I turned to Jimmy.
“Just a little”

“I’ll pick you up at 11” Jimmy said as he pulled up in front of my building.
“Yeah” I closed the door and he sped off, leaving me alone in front of my building. I walked in, pressed the button for the elevator and waited. “I hate waiting” I thought as I rested my back against the wall, catching a glimpse of myself on the mirror next to me. “Don’t” my mind said but I looked anyway. Before I could stare into my eyes the elevator door opened and I rushed inside.

One…

Two…

Rick.

Three…

Don’t.

Four…

Five…

Matt.

The doors opened and I rushed outside, hearing my quick steps as I walked towards my apartment. I opened the white door and went inside to be greeted by a wave of pain. I turned on the light. Somehow I thought maybe things hadn’t changed, but they had.

The TV was gone, the painting we bought at a bazar, a few ornaments, the cushions. Nevermind.. “Ill find, someone like you” What the fuck? Figures that Adele would pop in my brain just now. Why is it I have to have a soundtrack for my life? I walked in the bedroom, trying not to look at anything because everything reminded me of him. Starting from the bed for the obvious reason and because the bed was his. I turned on the computer and stared blankly at the bright screen as it turned on. If I just looked at the screen I could pretend nothing’s broken, the computer was mine and always with me.

“I love you” Matt said quietly in his sexy voice. My chest felt warm and tingly as I moved my body to kiss his lips. It started as a gentle kiss but every time I touched him I couldn’t be enough, it was like if I was trying to make him enter my body so I could have him forever. Richard.
“Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I love you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings” Moulin Rouge.
Matt broke the kiss. –Richard- and rolled his eyes “The only thing cornier than that song is that movie”

I shook the images out of my brain. “I’m going insane” Why the fuck am I thinking of Matt if he isn’t even real- Well, based on someone real, but its not like anything like that happened, they were just fantasies… -Matt- Just fiction…

I opened Facebook, maybe that would take my mind off things, but the first thing I did was check Rick’s profile. “Fuck” I closed it before I could see. “Stop, stop, stop” I pressed my hands against my eye sockets. “Changes… I should write, I’m always thinking about writing and never do” I opened the word page and stared at the shiny, white page.

“I felt the cold wind stab my face as I ran. My nose was numb, my hands were stiff from the cold, and I couldn’t breathe, but I ran faster and faster. I ran away from the pain, ran away from everything. If I stopped running I knew I would die; my heart would shatter and my chest would explode and I would die. I ran away from the note Matt had left me. I ran faster as I thought of the note that I dropped on the bedroom floor. I fell on the ground as I remembered the words. The cry I was controlling suddenly burst out of me and I struggled to breathe on the ground as I remembered the words… I’m sorry. I’ll always love you. Bye Mark”

“Shit… I always want to start that way” I erased the paragraph. “Fuck” I sighed. “Everything’s distorted, everything’s changed, and everything’s a blur” I read the words out loud. I reread them. I reread them. Matt and Mark, Matt and Mark…
“Fuck!” I turned off the computer and went inside the shower.

I cried as the cold water stabbed my naked body. As it warmed I started touching my body and realized I wasn’t half bad… I knew I felt like shit but strangely, for the first time in two years, I felt my age. Young. “Forever young” I thought. My dick started going hard as I looked at it, and since it was there “What the hell” I said as I grabbed tightly around my hard dick and started pumping. My hard felt rough and big against my dick and my dick felt hard and thick inside my hand. I moaned as the images began to pop in.

I touched his hard thigh- Richard- No, John. No, Jimmy, NO. I touched his hard bicep – Adam- No, the guy at the gym, no, the guy at the supermarket, the one on the bus, the one at the movies, the couple, the ad guy, Tiffany’s roommate’s brother, his friend--- I ran my hands through his chest and down to his rock abs, I ran my hand through his perfect face- Whose face? I ran my finger over his luscious lips and then caressed his neck. I moaned as I jerked harder.

He was sleeping and my chest burned with anticipation and fear of being caught. I sat on his lap and I felt I was riding him, I ran my hands through his body, under the shirt, feeling his hard, smooth torso and his dick against my ass. I heard him moan so low I wasn’t even sure he did it. His dick was getting hard as I lightly swayed my hips. I moaned, jerking harder, faster. I got off him and grabbed his bulge, first on the outside and then inside, passing his pubes then taking his thick, cut, hardening dick. I got my hand out of his pants and looked at his beautiful face- I couldn’t see it but I knew it was beautiful- Then I did what I wanted to do the most, since the moment I saw him and every time I was with him.

I kissed him. Matt.

I moaned hard as I came over and over, on the wall, on the curtain, on the shower floor, on my pubes, dripping down my hand and it was all being washed away by the warm water.

What the fuck…