Confessions: Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The ride was quiet…too quiet. I felt uncomfortable during the entire time, and I didn’t say anything or even look at Damien for that matter. I was too afraid to say anything, to afraid to move, to afraid to breathe. Damien had just dropped a huge bombshell on me, and I thought I was about to have a nervous breakdown. For the most part I was dumbfounded, however, I was very upset at Damien as well. I wasn’t mad at him because he was gay, I was mad because he didn’t trust me enough to tell me sooner. I mean, if he were a true friend he would have told me sooner right? Or maybe I am just overreacting. I couldn’t believe this, I just couldn’t accept it. The thing that troubled me most is the fact that Damien and I are practically one in the same, interchangeable and inseperable.And I could sit here and lie all day and tell you that it didn’t affect me, but it did in a big way. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t deny that apart of me was turned-on by the fact that Damien had a crush on me. What male’s ego wouldn’t be gratified by the thought that his being is considered desirable by both sexes? I’m not sure, I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. The only thing that I was sure of is that I needed to stop thinking about this right now, or I would definitely hit something seeing as that 99.9% of my attention was occupied by the current situation, and the other 0.1% was actually focused on driving. 

By some unspeakable force of will, I managed to restrain the riot that was commencing in my mind. It was at least 12:30 a.m. by now, I was sure. A quick glance at the clock on my dash confirmed the accuracy of my approximation. I slowly began to pull into the driveway of Damien’s manor-like home. I knew that we couldn’t just go our separate ways and let the nights events fester; they had to be solved, and solved tonight. I switched off the engine and sat back. There was another long awkward pause, this one being the worst of all. I could swear that in the one moment I could have went insane because of it. Surprisingly, Damien annulled the silence. 

“Thanks for the ride.” He said as he grasped the door handle to open it.

“Damien” I managed to squeak out. 

“Julian, I really don’t want to talk about it, and I’d really appreciate if you would respect my wishes.” 

“Fine then, but it won’t go away.” I said as Damien opened the door. He turned back to look at me as if I had said something totally foolish and uncalled for.

“Julian, I know that walking away from this is not gonna make it go away, but tonight just isn’t the night ok?”

I glared at Damien intensely. “I wasn’t talking about our problem. I was referring to your love for me…not talking to me won’t make it go away.”

“Really, so tell me Julian, exactly what do you know about my love for you? Especially considering that you just found out about it thirty minutes ago.” 

“I know that even though your confession wasn’t sooner than I would’ve like it to be, that you cared enough about me to tell me.” 

“So tell me Julian, would you have been prepared for my confession back in the seventh grade, huh? Because that’s when I really started to realized that I liked you a little more than I was supposed to.”

I remained silent

“I can remember it like it was yesterday. Even though we had known each other since before we both can remember, it wasn’t until the seventh grade when I really began to nurse my budding affection for you. I tried to suppress my feelings, I swear I did, but nothing worked. The more I tried to repress my emotions, the more restless they became. You have no idea what it was like just being near you. The sweaty palms…the butterflies that felt more like pterodactyls…me not being able to form a coherent sentence while in your presence…not being able to look you directly in the eyes. None of that struck you as abnormal behavior for a just a “friend” Julian? I had to learn to smother my feelings, or else they would have torn me apart. I knew that I wanted something that I couldn’t have, so I had to learn not to like you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep, hoping that in the morning that it was all just a bad dream.”

I saw tears begin to form in Damien’s eyes as he continued to lay all of this on me. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t know what to feel. 

“Damien…I had no idea how you felt.”

“Well let me tell you then Julian, it hurts okay…it hurts like hell. It hurts to breathe. I can’t move without you crossing my mind, I-“

We all posses something in us that forces us to act without thinking, or without any cooperation on our part sometimes. Well, that part of me surfaced itself then at that moment, because before Damien could finish his sentence, I cut him off.

“Damien?”

“What Julian?”

“My memories of the seventh grade might not be as vivid as yours, but I do remember that you still owe me a kiss.” 

And without even waiting for his consent, I found myself leaning over kissing him. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. All I knew is that something inside me propelled me to do it. At first I was thinking that I had made a mistake and possibly just ruined my friendship with Damien forever. However, when he began to reciprocate, I knew that I (or some other uncontrollable part of me) had made the right choice. All of a sudden my body became super hot. I started to think that I was running a fever or something. I had no clue what type of chemical reactions were going on in my body at that moment, but all I knew is that my temperature must have risen a hundred degrees, and almost a minute had passed and I hadn’t stopped kissing him. Thoughts continued to race through my head when Damien broke the kiss.

“Julian, you don’t have to do this, I know that-“

“Shhhhh” I said as I placed my finger on Damien’s lips and resumed kissing him. Something about what I was doing just felt right. I had kissed girls all the time, and as long as I can recall, from the playground days up to Natasha’s kiss earlier, I had never experienced anything like this before. 

We continued to kiss for what seemed like an eternity before I broke the kiss this time. 

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” Damien said in an alerted and almost alarmed tone.

“No…you didn’t do anything Damien. It’s me, I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know what to do.” Damien just smiled at me and said, “Come with me.”

He and I walked to the nearby waterfront, which was less than a fourth of a mile from his house. We walked in silence, side by side to the end of the dock, where there was a bench and canopy. We both sat down still engrossed in silence. 

“Julian, I just want you to know that you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to” Damien finally said as he looked at me almost timidly. 

“I know. But the truth is, I’m not sure that it’s something that I don’t want to do. I’m only afraid of where we go from here, what will happen next, I’m so confused.” 

“It’s okay Julian, I understand.” 

“Look, I just don’t want you to expect too much from me Damien, because I really don’t know what the hell is going on right now.” 

“Don’t worry, I don’t expect much of you. However, there is just one thing that I would like for you to do that I have literally had dreams about, if you don’t mind that is.” 

Apart of me became very worried and I went numb. I could only pray that Damien was not about to ask me to have sex with him, because honestly, it was something that I couldn’t do, best friend or not. But I reluctantly replied anyway.

“What do you want me to do?” I replied, my voice audibly broken. 

“Hold me?”

At that moment I felt something more intense than I had back in the truck when I kissed Damien. I felt my heart melt, and no matter how vulnerable and emotionally confused I was, I simply could not refuse him. I glanced at Damien as he awaited my response. I was weak; I could do nothing but open my arms to receive him. Damien laid his head on my chest and broke into sobs. I only did what came natural. I began to stoke his hair and console him.

“What’s the matter?” I asked in the gentlest voice possible, lifting his chin to look at his face.

“It’s just… I can’t believe that… this is happening… that I am here now… this must be a dream…”

“Shhhhh” I said once again as I wiped the tears from his cheeks. Damien rested his head on my chest once again and placed his arms around my waist. He was hugging me like a child that had just seen his father in a long time. I continued to absently stoke Damien’s hair. Something about this moment was undeniably romantic, and something about it was also undeniably insane. What was I doing? What would happen if someone saw him lying on me? What would happen if my friends found out? Or even worse my family?

“Wha-what’s the matter?” Damien said still silently sobbing. It was almost as if he had sensed my distress. I could tell that he was very vulnerable, and I couldn’t think of leaving him like this. He was a wreck, and he needed solace, and friends don’t leave friends in that type of state. 

“It’s nothing, just thinking.” I said, my voice still broken and cracking.

“Oh, I thought that this just thinking shit had to go?” Damien said as we both burst out laughing. 

He laid his head back on my chest, and those were the last words that we uttered to each other that night, as Damien fell asleep in my arms, with his head resting on my chest. 

I was deep in contemplation when the first sight of the sun creeping over the horizon disrupted my thoughts. It was simply majestic how the sun hit the water, and made it shone with a most vibrant orange hue. The sky was a mixture of crimson and violet, and the air gently flaunted the fragrance of flowers from a nearby meadow. I had not slept the entire night. I found it impossible to sleep under the current circumstances that had just entered my life less than twenty-four hours ago. In no way was I prepared to deal with this type of situation, and my pondering all night didn’t seem to produce a viable solution. I was once again roused from my thoughts, but this time by the movements of Damien readjusting himself on my chest as he continued to sleep. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating against mine. I could feel the beat of his heart resonate throughout my entire body. I could feel his gentle breathing through the sheer fabric on my wife beater. I continued to just stoke his hair. For a second, I believed this moment to be perfect. A part of me didn’t want to ever leave this spot, but a part of me wanted to jump into the silently raging sea before me. I was so lost. I didn’t know what to think, what to do. Was I gay now? Or was I still straight? I mean, I really hadn’t done anything besides kiss him, so I wouldn’t be gay right? Thoughts like these continued to race through my head for what seemed like hours. Contrary to my fluctuating emotions, I bowed my head and kissed Damien gently on the forehead. I saw a small smile crack across his face, as if he knew, even in his dreams that I was still there, and had stayed with him through the night. 

It was probably around 6:30 now. I began to get worried. I had been to this waterfront several times before, and I knew that people generally began arriving around seven. In no way did I want to be caught holding, and stoking another guy’s hair. I gently began to shake Damien and lightly call his name in attempts to rouse him. 

After a couple of shakes, he began to come to. 

“Hey, sleepy head” I said as I pushed his hair back from his face.

“Mornin’.” 

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good” Damien said strectching as he sat up from my embrace and looked downward.

“So…where do we go from here?” he said looking out at the water.

I replied after a moment of silence. “I don’t know. I guess we still go forward. We continue with the way things were before all this happened.” 

“Yeah, but will that solve the problem Julian? We can’t just forget and no matter what we do, we can’t undo what has already come to light.” 

His words disturbed me. “What has come to light? What do you mean what has come to light?” I inquired a little agitated. 

“Well, you know, with me finally spilling my guts to you and telling you about my homosexuality and how I feel about you, and me finding out that you’re gay-“

“Hold on, BACK UP! Who said I was gay?” I said standing up enraged. 

“Well, with all that has happened, I assumed…”

I cut him off. “Well you assumed wrong. I never said that I was gay okay.” 

“Okay, but you can fight it as long as you want, but you are fighting a losing battle” Damien said standing. I guess in some way he thought I wasn’t serious and pissed at the fact that he had just called me gay.

“Hold on, what the fuck are you talking Damien? I’m not gay, and don’t every let me hear some shit like that come out of your mouth again.” Damien’s look became more serious.

“It’s okay Julian, I can help you. Denial is natural in the beginning.”

At that moment all hell broke lose. I became even more infuriated, and I acted on my next impulse. I punched Damien as hard as I could in the face, knocking him back flat o his ass. He lifted his hand and rubbed the side of his lip, which was now bleeding, and looked at it. And even at that moment as I looked into Damien’s eyes, I could tell that he was more emotionally hurt by what I had just done than physically. However, I felt no regret for what I had just done.

“Look, I don’t know what you are trying to turn me into Damien, but stay the fuck away from me…I never want to see your face again.” 

I turned and stormed off, never looking back until I had gotten far enough down the road to see if Damien was following me. He wasn’t. I could faintly see his silhouette outlined by the sunlight, just standing on the docks, still and motionless.