Cut and Pain

I was in a trance. Some small part of my brain screamed at me to stop but I could not. All of the pain and suffering was too much that I could not cope anymore. I had left letters to my family on the table.

The bathtub was full now. I turned off the hot water and undressed. When I was completely naked I got into the bathtub and reached over to the basin and grabbed the knife that I had grabbed from the kitchen, I was lucky that my father had sharpened them only yesterday. I placed the knife against my wrist and sliced up the vein on my right hand and then I did the same to my left. I dropped the knife outside the bathtub and sat down in the bathtub. There was still enough adrenaline in my system which blocked out the pain of what I had done to myself. I allowed my wrists to fall beneath the surface of the water to allow the blood easier access to the wounds I had inflicted on myself. The hot water helped to speed up the process as the warm water thinned the blood and made it flow quicker. As I felt my life force leaving my body I could not help thinking back on to the events that had led me to this moment.

Up until this moment I had been on to this earth seventeen years ago. I was raised by my mum and dad who were devout Christians (my mum more so than my dad). It all started a while ago when I realised that I desired for the male body rather than that of the female body. I do not know how it came to happen but my secret got out or rather that someone created it in hope of tormenting me but did not realise how true they were.

It spread like wild fire and soon my parents heard of it and I was confronted by my parents. My mother was livid with rage and disgust; my father just took a back seat on this occasion. My mother degraded me in the vilest way; she called me out in front of Sunday mass and told them that I had been tainted by the devil and that I was no son of hers. When I returned to school on Monday I was alone! No one wanted anything to do with me; it was like I had the black plague. The teachers would not speak to me and no one wanted to sit next to me in class, nothing!

My mother would not be in the same room as me, she would not do anything for me. I cooked my own food late at night when my mum was in bed, I also did my own washing at this time as well. My father was a little more sympathetic and would help me on the sly in small ways that would not attract my mother’s attention.

No matter what I did after the leak, I could not get my mother to speak to me besides to tell me that I was no son of hers. I slipped further and further into denial and depression with each passing minute. My father helped to keep it at bay without even knowing it but he could not hold back the darkness on his own. Now I was waiting for the end to come. Some minutes later I blacked out with a sigh filled with release and relief.

I woke up in a room with bleached white walls and electronic beeping. I tried to move but found I could not. Then my father was standing over me; his eyes were bloodshot and swollen; he looked like he had been crying.
“Why Matthew, why?”
“Dad?”
“Yes Matthew I am here.”
“Where am I?”
“At the local hospital. The ambulance rushed you here after your mother and I found you in the bathroom. Why Matthew? Why did you do it?”
“It felt like there was nothing left to live for. No one would acknowledge me. It felt like I did not exist.” I sobbed.
“You do exist Matthew. You are my world; you are why I am here!”
“But I am considered tainted! You should not be here! Go before they reject you. Please father I cannot have that on my conscience as well.”
A tear escaped my father’s eye and he lent forward and placed his forehead against mine and whispered to me.
“Matthew, I do not care what everyone thinks. I only care about you and your well being.”
“What about mother?”
My father looked away and I knew instantly what my mother thought.
“She went into hysterics when we found you in the bath. She wanted you instantly exorcised, she was screaming about demons and other things. If the situation had not been so dire I would have laughed.” My father said the last sentence with a smile on his face, though it seemed to be quite forced.
I could see my mother reacting in the way that my father had described and I wished that it had been videoed! Seeing my in control mother breaking into religious hysterics! Priceless! I cracked a smile and my father’s turned from a forced smile into the real thing.
“Did you video tape it?” I asked eagerly. Though I knew he hadn’t, it helped to distract my mind from the pain. He laughed.
“Sadly no but it will be one of those memories that I will never forget.”

Just then the door opened and a doctor walked.
“Ah I am glad that you’re awake Matthew. How are you feeling?”
“A little groggy but functioning.”
“That is good. How are the braces? Not to tight?”
I looked down at my hands and saw that both of wrists were both strapped the railing of the bed. That was why I wasn’t able to move earlier.
“They are fine. Can you remove them so I can sit up please?”
“I cannot sadly but I can raise the back of the bed to sit you up?”
“Fine!” I grumbled.
Two minutes later I was up. The doctor came over and performed all of the standard medical examinations. He consulted my chart and said.
“Well you lost a large amount of blood but you seem to be fine other than that. We will have to get hospital psychiatrist to do a mental examination though and we will see where it goes from there. The psychiatrist will be here first thing tomorrow morning and she will then give his advice to me.”
With that she left.

I turned to my father and asked.
“What happened when I arrived here?”
“Well they gave you a blood transfusion to replace some of the blood that you had lost. Your vitals settled and they placed you here in this room. You have been out for a while.”
My father gave a heavy sigh and looked me in the eye and said to me.
“Son, I do not think it is safe for you to return home. I am scared what your mother will try to do.”
I swallowed hard.
“Where shall I go then?”
“Well I was hoping that you would move in with me?”
“What???”
“Well while you were out of it, your mother came here with the pastor and demanded that you be exorcised. When I would not allow them in; well your mother lost it and demanded a divorce. So I happily obliged. I was not going to allow her to hurt you even more. I signed the papers yesterday.”
“But where will you live?”
“Well I was thinking of going back home.”
“What back to Australia?”
“Yes. I think it’s time I returned home. It has been many years since I was last there. I would so love to go back. So, do you wish to come?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well all that you know is here!”
“Dad, school was worse than home! There is no way I am going back there willingly if there is another option. So when do we leave?”
“As soon as the custody arrangements are settled and I resign from my job and pull you from school. In other words it should not be too long.”
“Won’t the custody arrangements take a while to sort out?”
“I do not think so. Not with you being able to legally decide who you wish to live with.”

The next day I spoke with the psychiatrist and I was discharged that afternoon with strict restrictions on what I could not while I recovered. Dad took me out of school the next day and handed in his resignation. My father also went and collected our things. He came back looking a little worse for weather. Apparently my mother had been there and was throwing insults at him the whole time while packing up our things. The divorce proceedings went by with little effort, everything was split down the middle; but things got messy when it came to the custody battle.

My mother wanted full custodial rights! Me and my father had not been expecting this! When the day of the hearing came I got dressed and drove with my father to the court house. The hearing was opened and it all began. I was called up to the stand and was questioned. My mother’s lawyer started.
“Now Matthew here was taken to the hospital on the night of May 13 to be treated for self inflicted knife wounds. Do you deny this Matthew?”
“No I do not deny it.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Because I felt that I never had anything left to live for?”
“And why did you feel like you had nothing left to live for?”
“Because no one would acknowledge me. At school no one would speak to me, I was made outcast.”
“What was it like at home?”
“More or less the same. My father made it a little easier though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well my father did little things for me. If he saw that something of mine was damaged he would leave a note in that item with some money to tell me to get a new one. He also talked to me every so often when I was washing my clothes.”
I saw my mother give a dirty look towards my father. She had not known that he had done what he did. The statement that I had given seemed to take the wind out of the lawyer’s sail.
“No further questions your Honour.”
My father’s lawyer stood up.
“Now Matthew what happened after you inflicted the wounds on yourself?”
“Objection your Honour! What is the relevance of this line of questioning?” My mother’s lawyer asked.
“There is a point to be made your Honour.”
“Then make it please.”
“Okay then.” And my father’s lawyer turned to me.
“Matthew. Who was there in the room when you woke up?”
“Only my father.”
“Was your mother in the hospital?”
“I am not sure. My mother did not come to my room from when I became conscious to when I left the hospital.”
“And did you go back home?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because my father suggested against it and because I did not wish to be in the same house as my mother, so I followed my father’s suggestion.”
“Have you had any form of written or verbal contact with your mother since your incident?”
“I have not had any form of written or verbal contact with my mother for about four months!”

The questions continued and I was finally allowed to step down from the witness box. My mother and father were called up to the box individually to be cross questioned. My mother said that she was in shock about my ‘condition’ she called it and that she needed that time to process it and recover. My father expressed that he was taken by surprise about my sexual orientation but could see that I was struggling myself so helped in small ways so that it would not be harder on me by enraging my mother. My mother loudly objected against that statement but was told to be silent or be reprimanded. Then finally the judge called me into her office.
“Matthew I know this is hard on you but I need to ask you some questions of my own before I make my decision. Matthew who would you rather live with?”
“My father.”
“Okay. Now what would happen if I sent you with your mother?”
“Well I would go but I would be taking my bags and heading for the first bus terminal.”
“And where would you go?”