Empty Spaces : Chapter Four

Going for a drive was one of the few things that didn’t make Seth Johnson feel like a complete loner in his new ‘gay’ reality. In fact it gave him a sense of freedom, of purpose, despite not having any particular destination in mind. Seth’s mind was such a buzz of worries, doubts, and nagging feelings of possible rejection, that it felt good to get away from it all. Soon he was on the outskirts of town, doing just a bit over the speed limit, noting how the summer breeze had a slight chill in it; fall was just around the corner.

He decided it was probably around time to get back home. He knew his father would be off work soon, and it was better that he be around, just in case he decided to try and drown his problems in beer and vodka. Seth felt bad for his dad, but all that he could do was stick around and try to clean up after the mess that he made. His dad was not known for his subtlety when he was drunk, and tended to break things, either by accident, or because he’d thrown them at Seth.

Seth’s father, Nate, used to be an incredible father, and husband. But when his sister Carol had been stabbed in a seemingly random act of violence, the rage that Nate felt was inconsolable. That was when he started drinking. The loss of his sister fueled this deep, dark part of Nate’s soul, and he just seemed to lose it. Seth’s mother, Claire, couldn’t take it anymore. She knew she had to leave, and she hated doing it, but there was no way she could live with him anymore. He was just a shell of a human being…he looked the same on the outside, but there was no trace of what he used to be on the inside.

Nate barely seemed to notice when Claire left him, deep down, he understood, but he was still torn up about Carol’s death, and he didn’t have time to worry about such a silly thing like divorce. His work had given him a lot of time off after her death, and he got even more during the divorce, but when he finally did return to his job at the steel plant, it just seemed to anger him more. He felt that he didn’t have a purpose. He just had his mindless job. So, a month later, he quit. Seth couldn’t bring himself to face his father and make him understand how stupid he was being, so he just went along with him silently.

Nate had gotten several jobs after he quit the steel plant, but they had gotten progressively worse. Now, he was working a job that he hated even more. A 9-to-5 desk job in a cubicle, where he crunched numbers on his computer. The only reason that he kept this job was because the pay was pretty good, and he didn’t have to do a lot. Despite the fact that he still felt he was doing something useless, he had given up the idea of trying to live his dream, and just tried to live period.

There had been two incidents over the past three years, that Seth still tried to forget about, but they haunted his dreams. The first was coming home one day after football practice to find that his dad was nowhere to be found. Going into the backyard, Seth saw a ladder propped against a tree, right underneath a power line. Seth saw Nate, standing next to the tree, preparing to ascend to his death. Seth couldn’t let this happen, so he ran to his father and tackled him down. He called the paramedics and they took Nate to the hospital. There, he proclaimed his anger at his son, and said, “You should have let me fucking die! I can’t deal with this, I can’t deal with you!”

Eventually, after getting out of the hospital, he tried once again. This time, he waited until he knew that his son was going to be out of the house for a few hours, and he tied a cord to the curtain rod in the bathroom and tried to hang himself from it. However, the rod broke while he was hanging there, and he was knocked out when he landed heavily. When Seth came home later that evening, he found his father, still alive, still unconscious, and once again got the paramedics to come. This time his father, once he had been revived, thanked his son, and told him, “Seth…I’m sorry about all this…about everything. While I was hanging there; hanging onto life as it were, I got a sort of vision…from Carol. She told me that eventually everything would be ok, but I had to stick with it. I know she’s right, and I know that we can make it through this now. I just need you to be as strong as you have been.” This brought tears from both of them, and they had been closer since.

However, Nate still wasn’t happy. They had never found Carol’s killer, and this thought of despair still lead to him drink his problems away. Every time he would drink, he would find fault with his son, and beat him, or throw things at him, or just verbally abuse him. It was a wonder that with all this, Seth was still able to remain a pretty decent human being.

So, as Seth drove back along the highway towards his house, it was with mixed feelings of despair, worry, and anger. Anger that his father couldn’t snap out of his problems and be a real father, the way that he used to be.

Seth was still about three or four blocks away from his house when he saw someone running. He looked kind of familiar, and as he slowed down to look, the runner looked at him too, showing his face. Realizing it was Corey Silver, and that he looked more upset that he’d ever seen him, Seth slowed down to talk to him.

Corey was not a fan of Seth in any way, so he kept running, going faster now to try and get away. Seth, not understanding what was going on, and really only trying to help, decided to be a little more forceful. He sped up again, got in front of Corey, and then used his car to block his path. He turned off the car and got out. Core was looking at him angrily, still with tears streaming down his face.

“What the fuck do you want?” Corey said to Seth. Seth was taken aback; he’d never, in the 12 or so years of going to school with Corey, known him to swear. “Dude, chill…I just wanted to see what’s wrong, it’s obvious that you’re upset.” Corey looked at him and said quite snappishly, “Why do you fucking care if I look upset? You’re just a dumb jock, what do you know about real problems? You are the last person I want to see right now!” Really, he was the second-last, but Corey didn’t feel the need to share this information.

Seth was turning red in the face. His anger at being told that he was just another dumb jock, who didn’t have any problems was really too much. Everyone knew about the divorce, but no one knew at all about his father’s problems. And since half of the people they went to school with had divorced parents, Corey hadn’t thought it was a big enough problem for Seth to even try to understand what he was going through.

“You don’t know me at all! You don’t know what the fuck I’ve been through! How is it up to you to decide how I feel?” Seth practically shouted, tears welling up in face thinking about the past few days, this last summer, and all the problems he’d faced since his aunt had died. “You can’t…you don’t know what I’ve been through, so for you to judge me like that…” Seth couldn’t finish his sentence, he was crying too hard now.

Corey looked on shocked. He’d never seen this display of emotion from anyone like Seth before. He’d always looked so in-control, so calm, so cool…he couldn’t even begin to imagine what the other boy was thinking. He felt bad for what he’d said, but he still didn’t want to talk to Seth. Of all people, Seth would understand his problems the least. So, trying to be as polite as possible he said, “Listen, I’m sorry for what I said, I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge you it’s just…well, it’s not as if you haven’t been an asshole in the past. Hell, you’ve pretty much been nothing but an asshole to everyone who isn’t ‘cool enough’ to be in your clique. I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t like you. I don’t respect you. I don’t think I have anything in common with you. And, I’m okay with that. I’m happy not really knowing you, and you’ve been more than happy staying with your group of friends. Let’s keep it that way.”

Corey started to walk off, but Seth grabbed him by the arm. He wasn’t hurting him, but he wanted Corey to at least listen to what he said. “You know what? I probably deserve that, but what if I want to change? What if I want us to be friends? You haven’t exactly given me a chance to try to get to know you…” Corey looked at him, pityingly and said, without much emotion, “I don’t need to. I know exactly what kind of person you are. And that’s more than enough for me to know to stay away from you. Good-bye Seth…” And he walked away.

Seth didn’t understand. All he was trying to do was be nice by asking Corey what was wrong. He started to doubt himself. “Am I really an asshole like he says? Do I really make people feel that way about me?” he asked himself. He slowly got back into his car and continued on his way home, feeling much the worse for his run-in with Corey.

Seth dried his face off with the towel that he keeps in his gym bag for football practice before he walked into his house. He didn’t want his father to know that he’d been crying. He reached the front door, and heard the familiar sounds of the television. How normal it seemed, coming home to a father watching some tv. But he knew that by now, his father would be on at least beer number seven, and probably down half a mickey of vodka…straight. Seth opened the door quietly, turning the door handle slowly, and pushing it until there was enough space for him to walk in. He closed the door behind him and walked into the living room. There was his father, semi-conscious; sitting slumped on the couch, plastered in front of the television.

Nate grunted at the presence of his son. “What tooky oo slong boy?” he slurred. “Dad, you know that I have tutoring after school on Wednesdays and Fridays. I just got held up a bit longer than usual trying to help this one kid with his math problems,” Seth said, keeping his voice level, so as not to betray how upset he was with the condition his father was in.

Nate used to be a good looking guy. He kept himself fit, hey ate healthy, and he took pride in his physical appearance. He had dressed a bit like a farmer back then, being from Alberta, and he often wore plaid shirts and even a Stetson every now and then, and he had a nice goatee as well. He had been such a handsome man, and his ‘almost Southern-drawl’ like voice had certainly attracted much attention when he was younger, including that of Seth’s mom. But now, in his present condition, Nate needed a shower, a haircut, and a shave. He was wearing the same ragged pair of jeans he’d worn for a few days now, and a shirt that looked as if it had been used to clean up mud from the floor. His hair was long and shaggy, and fairly unkempt, and his body odor had started to come across through his clothing. The only reason he was able to keep his job with this ragged appearance was because he did do a good job, and his bosses all felt sorry for him. But Seth wasn’t sure how much longer that was going to last.

Nate looked up at the boy and practically screamed with rage. “I don’t fuckin’ care what chu been doin’. I telly oo to be here for fuckin’ four clock, theny oo betta fuckin’ be here for fuckin’ four clock!”

Seth kept himself calm, it was difficult, but he kept the pain and sadness out of his voice as he said, “Dad, I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again…” His dad looked at him in disgust. “That’s too righty oo won’ta! Now, get tha fuck outta here before I beat your assb oy!” Seth hurried out of the room, his eyes stinging. It pained him to see his dad like this, but there wasn’t anything he felt he could do about it. He went to the kitchen to start making dinner. It was something he was expected to do every night, but Seth didn’t actually mind, he loved cooking, and it took his mind off his feelings.

His cell buzzed, and he grabbed the sidekick he’d bought himself awhile ago, and clicked it on. “Hey Jules, what’s up?” He kept his voice sounding upbeat, and he thought he’d tricked her. “Okay, you always were the worst liar in history,” she responded, “what are you trying to hide? Seriously, I’m getting a little sick of you not trusting me with things…” Seth felt bad for not telling Julie; they were best friends after all, and he had just dropped one bombshell on her that she took really well, but he just didn’t feel like this was something he was ready to talk about. “Okay, you’re right, I’m not exactly in the best mood right now,” he started, “but I really don’t feel like talking about this. I promise that I’ll tell you as soon as I’m ready, but until then, I need you to understand.” She hesitated a second, but decided against pushing the subject. “Ok, just promise me that eventually, when you feel up to it, you’ll tell me what’s going on. You know, after the other day, there’s obviously nothing I can’t handle, and Scott’s the same. He actually even told me that he respects you even more for being brave enough to come out to us…he’s really proud of you!” Seth smiled at this. It was something he needed; to hear that his friends were still definitely okay with him. “Yeah, don’t worry, I do promise to tell you. It’s just…I’m not ready to talk about this yet. But, how about dinner on Friday at Dock’s? You, Scott, and I…we always have a great time there. Remember the time we honestly got drunk on virgin Daiquiris?” Julie laughed lightly, “Are you kidding me? The waitress was wondering whether or not to take Scott’s keys, but when she saw that all that we had had were virgins she just thought we were nuts! Friday is definitely on, I can’t wait. And make sure you stay out of trouble, alright? I need you to be able to talk to us on Friday! I love you, and I’ll see you there!”

Seth hung-up the phone, and continued making their dinner. He put half of it on a plate for his father, and brought it out to him in the living room. The tv. was still on, but his father had fallen asleep in his drunken stupor. Seth placed the plate on a tv. tray in front of the man, and went back to the kitchen to eat his share.