I Can't Force You To Love Me!

So, i believe i have a social anxiety disorder, which means in public places, and talking to new people makes me anxious and a quite very shy person. Well I met this guy a few months back, let's call him Lance,
and after plucking up the courage to talk to him like a normal human being, i decided he was a nice person, and little did i realize then, he would become someone who would come to fall so hard for, and spend many many nights sobbing my heart out over.

Anyway, we only saw each other when we went to the local pub for a few drinks on a Friday or Saturday night, along with quite a few other friends.

I was chatting to one of my friends, let's call her Gertrude, and she was like

"Hey did you know 'Lance' was bi curious,"?

So i replied, with my hopes high, "No, do you think i should take a chance an get to know him more, an maybe see where it leads"?

So she replies, in her drunken state, "Why not we only live once, you should take as many chances as you can"

I hit a snag though, me being 18, an never having a proper relationship, i was scared to think of how i would be with someone, what they would think of me, and how i could go about asking him out.

Later that month he had asked one of the girls in our group out, an they had gone on a date, well this was hard on me, but not as hard as things was going to get.

A month or so later, im invited to my friend, "Betty's" boyfriend's house, "Adam", along with a few other people i don't know, i know Lance is going, we are all chilling out with a few beers, an we had ordered pizza, i find myself with no choice but to sit next to Lance, so i try an make casual conversation, i ask him

"How did the date go"?

He then stated, sadly, "Not so well, the date was good, but when i asked her out after words, she told me she only wanted to stay friends"

With this news, and the comment from Gertrude a month or so ago, i decided i need to take a chance quickly, but i knew it would be one of the hardest things ever.

Later that night, Betty's boyfriend Adam is cleaning up, an me Betty, an Lance decide were gonna go to bed, but one problem, 4 of us was going to be sharing a king size bed. I was slightly thrilled an nervous at the same time, but Lance ends up at one end, an me at the other, with Betty in the middle, well i had been talking to Betty about my situation for a week or so,

"Will (Me) don't you think you should just come out with it, if you don't do it now, you may never do it"?

So me being me, i kinda start to shake an have a mini panic attack, knowing what 1 off the outcomes could be, but also knowing it had to be done, blurted out,

"Lance i fancy you!"

I then proceed to burst out crying, having a bad feeling about what i had just done, knowing he wont reciprocate the same love i had for him.

He just lay there, not saying anything, an Gertrude asked him if he heard me, as i had said it in such a whisper, his reply was a soft yes, and as i waited what felt like hours for a reply, non was given..

I lay there balling my eyes out, with Gertrude hugging me saying everything will be ok, that i should get some sleep an things would seem better in the morning.

Morning came, i wanted to leave his presence an gather my thoughts, was i dreaming the night before? When i met, as i left the bathroom, he was smiling at me more than usual, i smiled back, a fake one of course, little did he know i felt as if every part of me was shattered into a million pieces.

A few days later, we was once again at the pub, this time, just me him an another friend, our other friend 'Zac' had gone to the toilet, which left me alone with Lance, something i had being hoping would not happen all night, he opens his mouth an say's to me..

"Will, about the other night, i need to tell you something, im assuming you have heard from others that i am bi curious, well here's the thing, i am only interested in the sexual side of being with a man, we could be "friends with benefits" which would suite me fine, where as i can tell that you want a full on relationship with me, and that is where i can not help you, i can't feel love for you that i don't have. I cant love someone who i don't have feelings for"

This crushed me more than the silence a few nights before, after a minute or so of thinking of i then replied..

TO BE CONTINUED, STAY TUNED FOR NUMBER 2!