In My Memory

I knew I would cry so I made the epitaph purposely short; but I didn’t even get beyond the third line before I began sobbing uncontrollably and could continue no further. I began, “Billy was the love of my life. He called me his ‘soul-mate’ and it is only now, as I stand here, that I realise the true depth of what he meant. I have lost my soul-mate and I can’t bare a future without someone to laugh and to cry with like we used to…” 

I met Billy at University only three years earlier. In the tragically short time that we had known each we had both commented how lucky we were to have found something so special, something that people can spend there whole lives searching for and still never find. I had noticed him around campus but had never allowed myself to entertain the idea that either he or I was gay. I was still desperately trying to work out while my life felt so empty, when a mutual friend introduced him to me at a Christmas party. He looked stunning in his white cotton shirt and torn jeans, his dark hair was styled messily and his eyes sparkled in the reflection of the fairy lights. We chatted and chatted, and even as the party came to an end we sat there on the carpet in the corner of the room transfixed by one-another’s stories. He mentioned that he had noticed me jogging around campus and to my delight we agreed to meet the following morning for a run. As I left his house-party he threw me a wink, and gave me a smile that combined cheekiness, warmth and cuteness like I had never before seen.

That night as I hugged my pillow tightly I knew who the person was that I had spent the last 22 years waiting for. I awoke at dusk with an alcohol-induced headache; this soon passed as I stared out of the window at the sun rising above the stirring city below. For the first time in my life there was no shame or guilt in feeling so strongly towards another boy, he was somehow special.

My face flushed when I realised that he wasn’t waiting for me at the statue as we had arranged. He didn’t seem drunk, but maybe he was, and consequently his interest in me was entirely artificial? 
“Boo!” he called playfully as he jumped from behind one of the willow trees that encircled the sculpture.
I almost swung around to hit him. “Fucking hell Billy!”
He giggled youthfully at my shocked expression, but then I began to laugh too as I watched him smiling happily.
“You will be gentle with me?” he said with a cheeky wink, “I’m new to this!”
I was a little shocked by his overt flirting; but also very pleased and immediately reciprocated the innuendo. “We’ll start nice and slowly, and then we will gradually get faster and faster until…”, I paused suddenly surprised by my own boldness, “we’ll arrive back here.”
“Sounds good to me.” he said grinning radiantly.
“Come on then!” I said as I tugged his polo shirt and began jogging away.
We jogged side by side down the hill, around the rugby field and eventually reached the bluebell woods.
“Can we have a rest, coach?” Billy asked.
“I suppose so!” I answered with an exaggerated, but comical, sigh.

Billy sat on a fallen log and caught his breath. “Do you realise that you’re smiling?” he ventured.
I hadn’t realised that I wore a wide grin. Before I had chance to question his odd comment he continued. “It’s nice to see you smile. I’ve noticed you around and you often seem a little…distant.”
I thought for a moment about what to say; now was not the time to tell him about the difficulties I had experienced about understanding my sexuality. 
“Guess it must be the company!” I said as I blushed, and then started jogging along the sunny path that led through the trees.
The next thing I knew was Billy sprinting up to me, grabbing me around the waist and kissing me ever so gently.
I didn’t protest. We looked into each other’s eyes as we parted lips. We waited for a fraction of a second to judge the reaction of one-another before launching into a full-on kiss. The happiness was all consuming and I thought from that moment on I would never feel lonely again. 

But here I am, sitting alone amongst the daffodils in the wood that holds so many memories, on the day of my lovers funeral. It was against the large oak tree over there, that a few days after our first kiss, he pushed me against its’ rough bark, unbuttoned my shirt, pulled off my trousers and made love to me on the moss.

I remember one night, as we sat in the nearby park looking at the stars with my head nestled into Billy’s chest, he stroked my hair and simply said, “I love you so much that I would die for you Jack!” I recall hugging him tightly and telling him that I loved him that much too, but never really comprehending that one-day his statement would be put to the test.

The Saturday of last week was a beautiful day. We woke in the bed of our shared apartment to see the sun streaming in through the French windows. We lay in bed, feeling contented by the touch of one anothers skin pressing against our naked bodies. Before long, Billy suggested that we take the motorbike out to the woods where we had met, over at the university grounds, and so I reluctantly released my grip and began to get ready. 

It had been a few months since we had visited the woods but little had changed. We sat on the fallen log beside which we had shared our first kiss, and looked up at the squirrels running through the canopy of newly budding branches. We walked hand in hand along the trail, which was illuminated by shafts of sunlight stabbing between the trees. 
“I’ve got a surprise for you!” Billy said as he turned to look me in the eye.
“Bloody hell you’re always randy; where do you find the energy from!” I replied jokingly just so I could initiate one of his smiles, which still fascinated me endlessly.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a platinum bracelet.

“What’s this for?” I questioned.
“I wanted to spend my first weeks wages on a present to say thank-you for being patient with me while I have been sorting out my job recently.” he answered and then pulled me close to kiss me.
“I love you Billy!” There wasn’t a day in the last three years, four months and nineteen days that we didn’t tell each other that we loved one another, and I can honestly say that each day I meant it more and more. Little did I know I would only ever say this to him one more time.

When we returned to the motorcycle the spare helmet which had not been locked away, had been stolen; not the best ending to a perfect afternoon but none-the-less this didn’t dampen our spirits. Obviously I said he should wear the helmet since this was a legal requirement for the driver. He reluctantly agreed and promised to go slowly and stick to the minor roads. I didn’t have the passion for the motorbike that Billy had, but none-the-less frequently rode as a passenger, and it was only a 5 minute journey back to home, so I wasn’t at all worried. He sat on the seat and I wrapped my arms around his waist. It was an exhilarating sensation to feel the wind rush through my hair as we rode along. 
“This is wicked!” I called out above the noise of the engine.
A few moments later Billy calmly said, “It’s my turn to feel the breeze now! You put on my helmet Jack.”

I easily removed the helmet from his head and put it on, because he was only travelling at a moderate pace on a straight road. “Feel’s good doesn’t it?” I shouted.
“Yeah!” Billy paused and then continued, “Promise me that whatever happens in our lives that you will always strive to find happiness.” he said in a sombre tone that surprised me.
“Of course, so long as I’m with you I will always be happy!” I said sincerely but flippantly.
“Even when I’m dead Jack. You must promise me!”
“OK!” I laughed at the unusual timing of the conversation. I noticed that I was now shouting louder over the noise of the engine.
“I love you Jack. So so much!” 
I thought I saw a tear roll down his cheek.
“Are you alright cutie. Pull over and we can talk if something is bothering you.” I replied.
“No it’s okay, I’m fine!”
“Good, coz you mean the world to me. I love you so much too Billy!”
Then as the road began to turn I realised that the motorcycle was making a loud clattering noise. I noticed Billy pumping the brakes but the bike maintained its acceleration. And then as we hit the sharp turn in the road, the bike lost control and my world went black; forever darkened.

I cried and cried like I had never done before in the hospital when I awoke, and was eventually told that Billy had received fatal head injuries. I can’t remember much else about that day, I just cried and slept and dreamt and then woke up to find the nightmare was in fact reality. It was later explained to me that the thief who stole the spare helmet, had tampered with the brakes and they had failed. 
“When would Billy have know this?” I asked the policeman, still in a daze.
“As soon as the motorcycle had started moving at about 20 miles per hour the braking system would have broken and from then on a crash was inevitable.” he said in a professional monotone.
“I love you Billy!” I whispered as I wept at the haunting realisation of his sacrifice.