My German Lover, Part 27, chapter 2

“I’ve made a big mistake!” I said to Paul, with tears in my eyes.

“What do you mean by a “big mistake”?

“…Well I… I … I…”, I stuttered looking at Paul, my vision blurred with tears. My heart was thumping wildly in my chest. I felt so bad… I was so angry… and I also felt guilty… It was just too much for me, and as tears kept coming to my eyes I exploded and started to cry like a baby.

Paul came to me, took me into his arms… then said:

“…Cry my friend… cry! Go on. Let the steam go off… That’s it! Later, we’ll talk!”

I cried like that for a while… then I calmed down.

“…Feel better now?”, Paul asked, looking at me straight in the eyes…

“Yes… Thanks! (…) I’m sorry…”

“Hey! I told you I would always be here for you… You’ve decided to come to me… And I’m glad you did. Don’t feel sorry. I don’t know if I can be of any help to you… but I will do my best! I’m here for you Jack! You hear?”

“What I have done is TERRIBLE Paul…”, I said, involuntarily exaggerating the situation.

For the first time in my life, I was facing a real crisis. Not only was I totally unprepared to face it, but I was not even able to gauge its magnitude…

“That bad huh? (…) But you’re still alive, aren’t you?”

“…Of course…”

“Well… as long as you’re alive, it can’t be that bad! The big mountain you see today… will look like a small hill to you tomorrow… And do you know what Jack?”

“What?”

“…Well… whatever the mistake you’ve made… The sun will rise tomorrow morning as it always does… and life will go on… Nothing will stop, just because you think you’ve made a terrible mistake… It can’t be that bad. Now sit… and calm down okay? Then we can talk if you want…

I looked at him and, with a small smile on my face I answered:

“Yes… Thanks.”

“Okay!… “Now, put a smile on your face… and tell me what’s wrong….”

“It’s terrible!”

“Is it? As terrible as having two Gestapo officers at your house, ready to arrest you?”

“What?”, I exclaimed…

“… You heard me! That’s what I call “terrible” And I’ve been through that! So… I guess the first thing for you to do is to put your mistake into perspective! You didn’t kill anyone, did you?”

“…No”

“Cause “THAT” would be terrible. (…) “Do you stand accused of a crime of something?”

“…No… It’s not “THAT” terrible, I mean…”

“Ohhh… So what you did is terrible, but not “THAT” terrible, huh?”

“Right!”, I answered, grinning…

“Okay! … so… What did you do?”

“…Well… It’s a long story…”, I answered, looking down at my feet.

“Hey… I have all my time. Are you in a hurry?”

“No”, I answered, laughing…

“Don’t you feel better when you’re laughing like that?”

“I guess so…”

“Now… are you ready to tell me?”, Paul asked, with a friendly smile on his face…

“…Did I ever told you about my best friend Richard?

“…Not that I can remember…”

“Well… we’ve been friends since my family and I moved from Paris to Montréal. I’ve known him since I was like 10…. We go to the same school… have always been in the same classes… and he’s a swimmer like me! So we used to swim train together…We used to do everything together… You know, hanging around…swimming, skiing… everything. Some of our friends often say: “If you can’t find Jack, look for Richard cause Jack is certainly with him… We were just inseparable…”

“I understand. What you’re telling me is that Richard is your best friend…”

“…He used to be…”

“What happened?”

“Well… a few weeks ago, he came to spend the weekend at my house… we used to do that all the time you know… One weekend I would stay over at his house, the next he would stay over at mine. So nothing new there…”

“Un-huh…”

Usually when Richard stays over for the night, he sleeps in our guest bedroom… But that night my brother Robert also had a friend over to our house. The two of them were going to a party that evening, and they had agreed that after the party his friend would stay over at our place for the night. Now you know Robert: He had decided his friend would get the guest bedroom for the night, and the hell with me and Richard!”

“…Yes…”, Paul answered, laughing… “I see what you mean…”

“Yeah! So my friend Richard and I had to share not only my bedroom but my bed also… since I only have one large bed in my bedroom. That was not really a problem because as I said, it’s a large bed…”

And I stopped there and remained silent for a while…

“…And?”, Paul asked, looking at me with insistence…

“…And so that Saturday Richard came to my house. After supper, we started talking about video games and other trivial matters and eventually we made our way up to my room. We hung out for a while, playing video games…”

“Then, we heard Robert and his friend say they were leaving for their party. My parents were downstairs watching TV…and we heard Robert ask my mum: “Can I take your car mum?”… and she said: “Yes. Here are the keys… and remember Robert: You’re driving. So don’t drink alcohol…We trust you Robert with that, don’t disappoint us!”. “I won’t”, we heard Robert answer. And a few minutes later we heard the car leave…”

“Knowing my brother and his friend were gone, Richard looked at me and said : “…Hey… You know your brother’s porn Video Cassettes you told me about? Do you know where he hides them? … Maybe we could secretly borrow one and watch it… What do you say?”

“Shit… I don’t really know where he hides them… but I suppose they are hidden in his bedroom… let me check…”, I answered, grinning… So I went to my brother’s bedroom, went searching for his tapes… found them and took one. Lucky for me, Robert is not too good at hiding things from me! Anyway…I went back to my bedroom and with a big smile on my face I told Richard: “Found them… here, I have one…”. Richard grinned. I closed and locked the door behind me and threw on the VCR to watch…”

“So Richard and I started watching the straight porn film. Richard was watching pretty intently as different scenes came and went…I guess he was enjoying the film cause soon enough, I noticed he had a boner... and was not even trying to hide it...”

“Now I must tell you Richard and I know one another’s bodies inside out. We never hesitated to change clothing in front of each other, especially when we’d go swimming… We have even jerk off together in the past… We would wank as if each other wasn’t there, keeping our hands and body parts to ourselves…”

“I understand…”, Paul said, grinning… “You two are not the first to do that you know… But go on…”

“…So we were watching the porn film… and at one point, Richard looked across at me and said:

“Hey pal… Do you mind if I jerk off? I’m so horny…”

“No sweat dude… Go ahead…”, I answered, grinning…

“Richard quickly undressed down to his boxers. Then he reached into them to pull out his hard dick and slowly began to wank himself off, while watching the film…”

“Of course I did the same and before long the two of us were jacking off… but not touching one another, like we have always done in the past…”

“Now… I must tell you Paul that I have always liked girls… at least till that point. Up until then, I have always been quite girly… and shit! I even have a girlfriend…”

“Un-huh…”, Paul answered, looking at me. “And so… what happened?”

“…Well we kept watching the film and eventually, Richard reached orgasm… and so did I. After that, I went back to my brother’s bedroom to put his tape back where I had found it while Richard was taking a quick shower. After he was done, I also took a quick shower… and as it was getting late, we started to get ready for bed. As always, we were only wearing boxers…”

“Anyway… I went to bed first… and Richard got in bed behind me. And we went to sleep…”

“…That’s not the end of the story I hope? Because I fail to see…”, Paul started so say

“No no no…”, I interrupted Paul… The worst is yet to come…”

“Oh…”

“Yeah!”, I answered, with a very sad smile on my face…”

“…During the night I suddenly woke up. As I said, Richard was sleeping right behind me and he was so close to me I could feel his dick getting on the hard… So… I don’t know why I did it… really I don’t know! But I decided to back up into him and felt his hard cock on my ass. After a few seconds I could feel his dick digging into the base of my spine… For a while, I didn’t move… just to see if he was really asleep. I was holding my breath.”

“…Was he really asleep?”, Paul asked…

“Well… I don’t know why, but I thought he wasn’t, and that he was doing that on purpose…I thought that maybe, he wanted to make a move on me but was too shy to do it openly… Pretending he was asleep would serve as a good excuse, should I be mad at him for trying to make a pass at me… you know…”

“So what did you do?”

“I silently rolled in our bed to face him. We were so near to one another now that I could feel his breathing on my face. His eyes were close, just like if he was really sleeping. I didn’t know if he was acting or what… but for a while I kept watching him… and really, I was under the impression that he was not sleeping at all…”

“…I don’t know why but at that moment I just wanted to touch his dick… A huge urge inside me said this felt right… but a smaller voice in me argued… “What am I doing?” And the longer I lay there, looking at him, the more I wanted to touch his dick… so I started very slowly and worked my hand up his leg, never looking away from his face. His breathing was normal, so I finally worked my hand to his hard dick, feeling it through the thin fabric of his boxers… I swear to you Paul that I had not planned this in advance… and I never thought that night would turn out like this…”

“I believe you Jack… and so, what happened?”, Paul answered, with a sincere smile on his face…

“Well… my mind was going a hundred miles an hour… my heart was pumping through my chest… and I had to calm my breathing. So I remained still for a few minutes with my hand on his hard dick. It was so big… so warm… and it was throbbing under my touch. I wanted it, that’s all I know. So I decided to slowly free it from his boxers and I gently wrapped my hand around it. Again, I waited for a few seconds and looked at his face. His eyes were still close… but his breathing had accelerated a bit. Then, I began to jerk him off oh so slowly. I could feel he was oozing in my hand… so I thought he was enjoying what I was doing. At least… all the signs were there… I even heard him sigh…”

“And how did you felt, doing that?”, Paul asked…

“It was a totally new experience to feel his hard dick in my hand… and to be honest, I had never felt such sensations of pleasure pulsing through my body… Yes. To be honest Paul, touching his dick sent ripples of pleasure through out my body. I had never been so hard before in my life… I don’t know if you see what I mean…”

“Hey… at my age, do you think I don’t know a thing or two about that? I’ve been around you know… I know what you’re telling me is very, very personal… but you see Jack, I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that could scandalize nor surprise me. In the sex department, Will and I have pretty much done all there is to do you know. So feel totally free to talk. Don’t feel embarrass…”, Paul answered, grinning…

“Un-huh.”, I answered, feeling more comfortable to talk… “So by now, I must admit I had thrown caution out the window. I was too horny to care about anything else and I guess my brain just stopped working. So I continued jacking him off, and I felt him begin to tremble slightly. I wasn’t sure what was happening but I couldn’t stop… and began to jerk him off faster and faster. Then I heard him let a huge sigh out, and seconds later, he began to shoot…”

“That’s when he woke up. For a few seconds he just stared at me, not understanding what was going on. But when he realized my hand was wrapped around his hard dick, he looked again at me, his face scorned with anger…”

“Oh shit!”, Paul said…

“…Yeah. You can say that!”

“Did he say something?”

“What do you think? He was mad! And he pushed me so hard I almost fell off our bed… then he said:

“What the hell are you doing? Why did you do that? I’m not gay you know! Don’t you ever touch me again, you hear? And I thought you were my best friend…”

“I swear Paul… My blood froze and a chilling feeling ran down my spine! (…) And before I knew it, he was out of the bed, getting dress. “Where are you going Richard?”, I asked him, totally stunned… “Home!”, he answered. “Are you crazy or what? We’re in the middle of the night…” I replied…

“He looked at me for a second or two… then said: “Give me a pillow and a sheet… I’ll spend the rest of the night on the floor…”.

“Oh come on Richard… come back to bed, I won’t touch you… I swear…”, I answered…

“ I don’t trust you anymore. Just give me a pillow and a sheet. And do it fast!”, he madly said…

“So I gave him one of my pillows and a sheet, and he laid down on the floor for the rest of the night.”

“And as you can imagine, I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night as I kept searching my mind wondering why I had done that. I don’t think Richard slept either. And when the sun finally started to rise he got up and got dressed. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said:

“…Look Richard…” But he interrupted me and said: “I’m going home. And don’t you ever call me again! I don’t know why you did what you did last night… and I don’t really care to know. But I’m not like that… and I don’t want to see you again! Period”. And at that, he ran down the stairs and slammed the front door behind him. For a few minutes I remained still, to see if he had awaken the rest of the family… but luckily, he had not. For a while, I just stayed in bed, crying. I was so mad at me… and I felt so miserable. I had done the unthinkable. What a jerk! How could I have been so wrong?”

“That same day, many times I’ve tried to call Richard but he just refused to take my calls. I even went to his house and when his mother told him I was there for him, I heard him shout from his room: “Tell him I’m not here!”. Of course, his mum didn’t know what was going on… so I just left without saying a word. Since then I did not have one single chance to speak to he. He does not even look at me anymore and I can see that at school he’s doing his best to avoid me. And each time he sees me he turns away. Thank God school is over now…”

At that point I looked at Paul. I had to stop talking. Again, my eyes were full of tears… and I was holding them, doing my best not to start crying…

“…I’ve lost my best friend Paul…” I later said. “And it hurts so much! I miss him. You don’t know how much I miss him. I’m totally lost without him and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to call him so many times… I’ve tried to talk to him at school…. I’ve tried everything, but to no avail. And what if he tells the whole school about what I did? What am I going to do Paul?”

“Look Jack, I understand how bad you feel. Really. But I can’t solve your problem for you. All I can do is try to help you find the right answers. That’s all. And you know… I think there’s more than just one question you need to answer…”. 

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say…

“But first… If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about your friend Richard telling the whole school about what you did. If he’s your friend, he won’t do that. He’s probably as mixed up as you are and doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. And if the two of you were so close, he probably misses you as much as you miss him. I’d say he’s simply not ready to talk to you. Give him some time. I may be wrong about that, but that’s what I think. Anyway, aren’t you going to college next fall?”

“Yes…”

“Do you know if Richard if going to college too?”

“Yes… But I’m going to Bréfeuf College next fall while Richard will go to the “Bois de Boulogne” College, cause that’s where his dad studied, and he wants Richard to study there.”

“That’s a good thing. And I think it’s a good thing that you’re spending the summer here in Martinique… That puts some distance between the two of you, and will give you time to do some thinking…”

“Maybe. I don’t know Paul… I just don’t know. All I know is that I feel miserable… and I miss him… and it hurts like hell!”

“Yes. I understand Jack. I swear I do.”, Paul said.

For a while, we remained silent. Paul was staring in the distance…obviously thinking. I had told him everything and had been honest with him. There was nothing more I could say, so I just kept my big mouth shot! Then suddenly Paul turned to look at me and said:

“(…) If you allow me Jack, I’d like to ask you something?”

“Yes, sure…”

“Did you ask yourself why you did what you did?”

“Are you telling me that I’m gay? I answered defensively…”

“…Did you hear me say that? And anyway it’s not for me to tell you who you are and what you are…”

“Sorry Paul. I didn’t mean to offend you. Really. It’s just that I don’t know where I stand right now…”

“I understand…”

“You want to know why I did what I did? (…) Sincerely Paul I’m shocked to see what I did. All I know is that I wanted to do it… It’s like if I needed him… I wanted to be with him, to touch him… to feel his warmth… How can I explain?”

“Let me ask you something else okay?”

“Yes…”

“Let’s just say that, that night… if instead of reacting the way he did… Richard had kiss you: Would you have liked that?”

“…Kind of…”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes!”

“Okay”, Paul answered in a very soft voice. And for a while he remained silent. Then he said:

“(…) Now I think you have some soul searching to do Jack. And you’ve got to be honest with yourself. You’ve got to ask yourself some questions… to discover who you really are and what you are. If you honestly ask yourself the right questions, you’ll find the answers you’re searching for.. And whatever the answers you find… you’ve got to accept them. And do you know why Jack?

“…No. Why?”

“Because for the rest of your life you must be able to look at yourself in a mirror and say: “That’s me! That’s who I am! That’s what I am! And I feel good about that.”. If you don’t, all you’ll see in the mirror is a façade… a front… a lie! Don’t go through your life living a lie, Jack. Don’t do that. If you do, you’ll hate yourself and you’ll gradually destroy yourself!”

“I don’t even know where I stand now…”

“That’s why I say you have some soul searching to do. It’s not always easy to find out who we are or what we are… (…). Look: You said you would have liked it if Richard had kissed you that night… If he had done so, would you have gone farther… Would you have tossed your arms around him? To hold him tight against your body? Would you have kissed him back?”

“…Yes.”

“Have you ever dreamed about that?”

“Well each time my mind goes in that direction… I try to concentrate on something else….”

“May I ask you a very personal question Jack? And you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to… I’ll understand…”

“Yes… go ahead…”

“Okay. You said that Richard and you had a few jerk off session together. But have you ever jerk off, thinking about him?”

“I’ve tried not to.”

“…But it happened, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Start from there Jack. Stop avoiding the truth and face it. Listen to your heart and as I said, do some soul searching.”

“…It scares me…”, I answered with tears in my eyes…