Meant to Be : Part 2

It was a cloudless night and the warmth of the sun from what had been a scorching day was gone now. The air was cold on my face as I crept through the woods along a path I knew well by now, the path that led to our place, the lake. I knew he was here, his car had been abandoned at the same spot where he always left it when we came here.

The path was bathed in a soft moonlight glow but I used my phone as a light so I could see where I was going properly. When I was younger, not long after we’d discovered the lake I’d come sprinting down this path, excited to get to the lake with Paul. I tripped over a tree root and cut my knee pretty bad, Paul had to carry me home, I’d learned my lesson and never tripped over that root again. I arrived at the lake, any other night it would have been beautiful, the water was still and there was a certain calmness as the surface glistened and reflected the full moon. Paul sat with his legs hunched close to his chest and his muscled arms wrapped round them, he was just staring out towards the lake.

Instinctively I took off my jacket and wrapped it round his shivering shoulders.
“Shit Paul come on, I have to get you home.” I began to help him to his feet but he pulled away from my grasp.
“No. I like it here. ” Paul’s voice was still quiet and weak, just like it had been the last time we spoke earlier.

I wasn’t going to be able to move him by force, so I decided to sit down and try to talk things out with him.
“I feel like I’m losing my best friend Jack.” Paul’s words cut through me like a pain I’d never felt before, immediately my stomach twisted into knots and I felt sick.

“Please don’t say that Paul, you’re still my best friend, but I’m just going through some stuff that I have to deal with by myself right now.” I swallowed and awaited his reaction.
For the first time since my arrival Paul turned his head to face me and I saw his face, even his tanned skin was white and his lips were a strange purplish colour, his eyes looked swollen and red and he’d been crying, I’d never seen him look so vulnerable.

“I’m your best friend, you shouldn’t have to go through things alone while I’m here.” I noticed Paul clench his fists and grind them against the dirt on the ground, like he was angry at his incapability of helping me. I just lowered my head, unable to face him.
“You’ve always been there for me Paul, but you wouldn’t understand this. I’m trying to find the right way to tell you, I thought about it all night before I came looking for you, but now that I’m here with you, no words seem right to express how I’m feeling.” It was a lame excuse, but it was the truth.

“You don’t need the right words, just any words to stop me feeling so confused at why we’re drifting apart” There it was again, that shooting pain when he said we were drifting apart.
“You’ve spent all the years we’ve been friends sticking up for me Paul. You always told kids that just because I had two dads didn’t make me different or weird, and it didn’t make me gay like them. I know you wanted to believe that, and I wanted to believe it too, cause I wanted to be like you and I wanted to always be your friend, but you’re wrong. I’m sorry Paul but I don’t look at girls the way other guys do, the way you do. I..” Paul cut me off before I could say any more.

“When the guys in school talk about the girls they find hot you always put your head down or play with your phone and act like you’re not listening. So I make a joke or change the topic. When we’re getting changed for lacrosse you never face any of the guys. But I always stand next to you and talk to you. When you were 16 you started getting really close to that guy, Ben Wilson from our math class. I was jealous of you being close to another guy, but I understood that you had to explore relationships. I guessed he was your boyfriend or something. Then one week you were so upset and wouldn’t give a reason. I knew you’d broken up, so everyday I kept you busy, going to the lake, the cinema, going out for dinner.” Paul sounded relaxed now, he didn’t sound mad or upset anymore, slightly relieved in fact.

“Where are you going with all this Paul?”
“You like guys, you think girls are gross, breasts don’t interest you, you’d much rather see a nice cock” suddenly my eyes widened and I gasped
“Paul!?” in response he simply giggled, god it was good to see a little smile on his face and hear him laugh again.
“What? It’s true” Paul giggled again. “You’re gay and gay guys like dick.”

That was the last thing we said before we left the lake and went back to my house. Paul rang his parents to let them know he was ok and he was going to stay at my house, his mum insisted on speaking to me to thank me for finding him and looking after him, and for being such a good friend.

Paul and I were laying on my bed, he was wrapped in a blanket and we were both watching cartoons, this time the blue bunny is caught in a snow storm and has to build an igloo. Every now and again Paul would ask me a question, apparently he has always wanted to talk about my sexuality, but never could until I knew that he knew.

“How far have you gone with a guy?” Paul didn’t sound hesitant or uncomfortable about talking about this, it wasn’t like he would be grossed out by the answer. Instead it was just like he was talking with a straight friend about girls.
“It’s embarrassing really, I’ve eh never done anything.” I closed by eyes and waiter for the jokes and shock that were surely coming.
“That’s not embarrassing, I think that’s nice actually”. I opened one eye to look at Paul, he wasn’t making fun of me, he wasn’t smirking of laughing, he thought it was nice that I’d never even kissed anyone?
“What do you mean you think it’s nice?”

“Well when you get your first kiss, it’ll be special and with someone you care about. I’ve kissed loads of girls, and yet I’ve never had a kiss that felt like what you see in the movies. You know that kiss that makes you forget everything around you and makes you just focus on that person and their lips on yours.” I’d gotten so lost in Paul’s words, I couldn’t help but watch his beautiful pink lips as he said such sweet words, who knew he was such a romantic.

I stopped staring at his lips and shifted my gaze to his eyes, they were looking off into the distance and although it was dark, the glow of the TV allowed me to see that his eyes were watering. I suddenly felt the urge to wrap my arms round him and protect him, in all the years Id known him he’d never once looked vulnerable and yet tonight there was something so small and delicate about him.

“What’s wrong?” Paul didn’t even look at me as I asked him, he just kept staring at the wall.
“Why do you think I haven’t had that special kiss Jack?” Paul’s voice was shaking and tears his eyes were glistening from the tears waiting to pour down his tanned cheeks.

“Because you haven’t met the right girl. But you don’t need to worry, because you’re amazing and the woman who’s gonna give you that earth stopping kiss is out there, looking for a funny, sweet, beautiful and caring guy, she just doesn’t know his name is Paul yet.” It killed me knowing that some woman would give Paul that kiss he clearly wanted so badly, I wished it could be me. Why wouldn’t my lips be the ones that gave him butterflies and made him fall in love. Oh yeah, because I wasn’t a woman. While I was thinking about how jealous I was of that mystery woman he would meet one day I didn’t notice Paul had finally looked at me.

“You think I’m beautiful?” Shit I hadn’t meant to say that. Paul’s eyes were still watering and it was hard to tell if he was going to punch me or burst into tears.
“Fuck Paul, I’m sorry I didn’t mean…” I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Paul was on top of me and everything went black.