My German Lover, Part 27, chapter 4

Henri was right. I quickly realized that Mike and I had no right to run upstairs and disturb our old friends at such a time. We had to respect their privacy.

“… You’re right Henri. Let’s have a coffee…”, I finally answered.

We went to the kitchen and had coffee. All the staff was there, waiting. We didn’t talk much. At one point I looked at Mike and said:

“…Maybe I should drive you back to the Club. I guess we won’t train today, huh?”

“I won’t leave you alone. I’ll just give the Club a call to let them know what happened. We’ll see later…”

“Okay”, I answered with a sad smile on my face.

Mike made his call and came back. I looked up at him and he simply said:

“No problem…”

I nodded.

About half an hour later, Paul walked into the kitchen and looked at us. Immediately we all raised and Henri brought a chair for Paul to sit.

Paul looked at him with a sad smile on his face and sat. Madame Suzanne brought him a cup of coffee.

“…Thanks”, he said, before taking a sip…

We were all looking at him, but no one wanted to ask questions. So we all remained silent. Then Paul said:

“Well… as you may have guessed, we have lost a dear friend. The doctor said Hans didn’t suffer. He died of a massive heart attack during his sleep and he probably never realized what was happening to him. Thank God.”

I was looking at Paul as he was speaking and when I saw tears in his eyes I just couldn’t help it and tears came to my eyes too.

“Now I must call Hans’ children… so will you excuse me?” Paul finally said…

He left the kitchen to make his calls. We sat down and remained silent. Then Will and the doctor came in. Again we all rose. I could see Will was very calm…

“…Please sit down…”, he simply said.

Again, coffee was served.

“We left Lutz alone with his brother. That’s what he wanted. Poor Lutz. He has lost the last member of his family…”, Will sadly said…

“Oh no”, the doctor answered… “You are his family… all of you. He’s not alone…”

Will looked at the doctor and smiled…

“Yes… that’s true”, he answered. “That’s not what I meant…”

“I understand what you meant.” The doctor said…

“yes.”

“… At least, he didn’t suffer. I hope I’ll go the same way when my time comes…”, the doctor added.

Will remained silent. He was staring into the distance… and I could only guess what was going through his mind. They had gone through so much in the past…

After a few minutes, Will raised his head and looked at Suzanne:

“…Could you make some fresh coffee… and bring some to Lutz?”

“But of course”, she answered. 

Later Hans’ children arrived. Paul and Will were there to greet them at the door, and they all went upstairs. When Paul and Will came back Paul said:

“…We left them alone with Hans and Lutz…”

“Maybe Mike and I should go to my house…”, I said, feeling it wasn’t our place to be here at such a time…

“Why?”, Paul said to me… “You’re part of the family Jack. Lutz will be happy Mike and you have stayed.”

I just nodded.

“Let’s go outside and have some fresh air, shall we?”, Will suggested…

We all agreed and we all went to sit on the colonnaded front porch. Will and Paul were silent, and we respected their silence. Mike and I didn’t say a word. Later the silence was broken by Henri who came to the porch and said:

“Dinner is served”

“I’m not hungry”, I said…

“You must eat my friend. Life must go on…”, Paul answered, tossing his arm around my shoulder. “Come…”

When we got to the dining room, Lutz and Hans’ children were already there. I looked at Lutz with tears in my eyes and he smiled back at me.

“I’m so sorry…”, was all I could manage to say to him…

“You know Jack, at our age… we expect that to happen. We will all die one day… and all we hope for is that when our final day comes, we don’t suffer. Hans didn’t… and we thank God for that”, he simply answered.

I didn’t eat much. And during the meal, when I looked at my old friends I was surprised to see how calm they all were. And for the first time I fully realized they were old. Although they were calm, they looked tired to me. Not much was said during the meal. Again I wondered what was going through their minds. Were they thinking about death? Were they asking themselves who would be next? When you get old and the end gets nearer and nearer with each passing day, how do you feel about death? Are you scared? I had so many questions… but of course, I didn’t ask any of them.

At one point, Paul looked at me and with a grin on his face he said:

“…I know what your thinking about…”

“Oh?…”

“Yes. I know you Jack. And at the moment, you have a big question mark on your face…”

How could he have guessed? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if he’s not a wizard. Some other times it makes me mad to think he can read me like a book.

“…Don’t worry my friend… later, we’ll have time to talk.”, he simply added.

After dinner, I saw three guys from the funeral home bring a coffin inside the mansion. They went upstairs to Hans’ room.

“…Will he lay in state?”, I asked Paul…

“Only tonight. We have never been in favor of having our dear ones embalmed. We think it’s a barbarian practice to have people stuffed like animals…”

I nodded. I had never thought about that…

But then, Mike and I had another problem to solve: We knew the funeral would take place the day after… but we had nothing proper to wear.

“…Can’t go to the funeral wearing T-shirts and shorts, can we?”, I said to Mike…

He looked at me and said: “Shit! And not only that… I must call the Chief of the village to let him know about Hans’ death and ask him for another day leave…”

“…Okay. Call him… then we’ll dash to Fort-de-France to buy something to wear…”

“Shit Jack… I don’t have that kind of money you know… I didn’t expect I would have to buy a suit… We don’t make much, working for Club Med…”

I smiled and answered:

“Make your call, and don’t worry about the rest. I’ll take care of it…”

Obviously my answer was not pleasing Mike, so I added:

“…Look Mike, you’re here with me and it’s important for me that you stay for the funeral. I don’t care about the money. And we don’t have to buy Armani suits you know…”

“Yeah. Nevertheless…”

“Oh come on Mike. Please, don’t argue… I need you here with me…”

Mike looked at me… and after a while, he just nodded.

“Fine!”

He made his call to the Chief of the village and said everything was okay. Then we made a dash to Fort-de-France where we bought two black suits, shirts and ties. The suits were not from “Armani” or “Yves Saint-Laurent”… but nevertheless they looked good enough on us. When we got back from Fort-de-France, we went to my house and we changed…

When I looked at Mike wearing his black suit I smiled and said:

“Hey! You look great! But then… even rags would look good on you…”

“Yeah yeah…”, he answered… “I hate suits!”

“So do I”, I answered, laughing…

We went back to Bagatelle, where mourners were already arriving. I realized that in Martinique, news travel fast. Obviously, many calls had been made… and some neighbors were already there to pay their last respects.

Mike and I went to the vast drawing room where Hans’ coffin had been place, with beautiful flowers all around. The coffin was closed and a large flag was draped over it. I had never seen that flag before. It was a tricolor flag, made of three equal horizontal bands colored black (top) white and red (bottom).

We sat with all the others, to pay Hans our last respects. As Ludwig was sitting right next to me, I asked him about that flag…

“Yes… That’s the old flag in use in Germany during the days of the Weimar Republic, when we were young. In 1935, it was forbidden by Hitler and replaced by the Nazi flag… Since Hans was a soldier, he has the right to be honored as such and so that’s why we had that flag placed on his coffin. We were certainly not going to drape Hans’ coffin with the Nazi flag… and anyway, we have always considered the old flag as our only flag.”

“…But that’s not the flag in use in Germany nowadays…”

“No. But we never lived in Germany under their new flag… so to us, that flag you see there is still our national flag…”

I nodded and refrained from asking Ludwig more questions about the war and about the fact Hans had been a soldier during that war. I already knew he had been a soldier at the time and I could remember that, the day I had met him for the first time on the beach, I had seen the scars on his legs. “Shrapnel wounds” he had explained at the time “suffered during WW II”. Up until now I had never revisited the subject with my old friends. But that night I decided that later, I would ask Paul about that…

The day after, Hans’ funeral took place in the small chapel located on the estate, and he was put to rest in the small cemetery there, right next to his wife. Just before his coffin was lowered into the ground, Will and Ludwig took the flag and folded it. They gave it to Lutz and as the coffin was lowered, they all stood at attention and saluted him. I had tears in my eyes. Thank God Mike was holding my hand.

“…Rest in peace bro.”, Lutz said… “I love you. We all love you. Always will.”

That was too much for me. As tears started to run down my cheeks, Mike took me into his arms. He didn’t care about what the neighbors and all the others who were present would think or say. He just did it. And a few minutes later when I raised my head from his shoulder, I saw that Will, Paul and Ludwig had gathered around Lutz and were all holding him into their arms. They didn’t care either.

Then our Martinican friends started humming a song. I had never heard that song before, but it was beautiful. And when the last note had been hummed, we saw Lutz throw a rose into the grave. One after the other, Hans’ children did the same. So did Paul, Will and Ludwig. But not the neighbors… and not the others. Obviously, that was a family “thing”. I didn’t know. As Mike was still holding my hand, Lutz walked towards the two us and gave us two roses. We looked at him and took the roses from his hand. He just nodded to us. I turned to look at Mike and saw he had tears in his eyes. And so did I. 

We walked to the grave, Mike still holding my hand. We looked at Hans’ coffin down there… and after a second I said:

“Rest in peace my friend…”

Then, Mike and I dropped our roses into the grave and slowly walked back to our place.

I looked at Paul and saw him smile to me.

Then I looked at Lutz and saw him nod to four Martinicans. With their shovels, the started to fill the grave with soil.

I had never witness such a thing before. In Québec, we tend to hide things like that. I think people are so afraid of death, they don’t want to see that. Not in Martinique. I looked at the people around us. They were silent. They were just looking at the grave being filled. They didn’t look scared.

And when the grave was totally filled, we saw our Martinican friends place flowers on top of it. We all did the same. Then we all walked back to the mansion where food was served.

I went to Paul and said: “Look Paul… I just can’t stay. It’s too much for me… Do you think Lutz would be offended if Mike and I would go back to our house for a while?”

Paul looked at me and answered:

“…Go my friends. Go. Lutz will understand…

I had tears in my eyes and was doing my best not to start crying.

“…Jack?”, Paul asked me…

“Yes…”

“…Never forget… That’s life. From the very moment we are born, death is part of us. We will all die one day. Nothing there to be afraid of…”

I nodded… then looked at Mike and said:

“…Shall we go?”

“Is that what you want?”

“…Yes. Please.”

Mike and I went to my house. We made a small fire on the beach and just sat there… looking at the fire. Mike took me into his arms and I cried.

“Hey babe… don’t cry”, he said… “Hans had a good life. He and his wife are reunited now.”

I looked at Mike and said:

“…I know. But nevertheless, it’s hard to lose some one you love…”

“Hey… As Paul said, we will all die one day. You and I will die one day, you know…”

“…Yeah well, let’s live before we die, huh?”

“…Yeah”, Mike softly answered. “What you just said reminds me of an old song. You have heard about Edith Piaf haven’t you?”

“…Yeah. Sure…”

“I remember my dad had a record of her… and there was that song she was signing… “Mon Dieu” I think it’s called (My God)… Anyway… She was signing something like you just said…”

“Never heard that song…”

Mike started to hum the song… then he began to sang it with a very soft voice:

“Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu! (My God! My God! My God!
Laissez-le moi, encore un peu, mon amoureux… Let him be with me, a bit longer, my lover…
Un jour, deux jours, huit jours… One day, two days, eight days…
Laissez-le moi, encore un peu… Let him be with me, a bit longer…
À moi… With me…

Le temps de s’adorer, So we have time to adore one another,
De se le dire… To say it to one another…
Le temps de se fabriquer des souvenirs… So we have time to forge memories…
Mon Dieu! Oh oui… Mon Dieu! My God! Oh yes… My God!
Laissez-le moi Let him be with me,
Remplir un peu So he can fill my life
Ma vie… a little…

Le temps de commencer, So we have time to start something,
Ou de finir… or finish it…
Le temps d’illuminer, So we have time to shine,
Ou de souffrir… or to suffer…

Suddenly, Mike interrupted the song to look at me:

“Hey! I didn’t want to make you cry you know…”, he softly said, giving me sweet kisses…

“…That song is so beautiful Mike… She must have suffered a lot to be able to write a song like that…”

“I don’t know if she wrote it herself… but she sang it with all her heart, and that was enough to make the devil cry…”

“…Yeah. Do you know what, Mike? That’s what we’re doing right now, you and me… We are forging memories… the best kind! (…) I love you Mike. I love you…”

“And so do I, Jack. You’re right… having you in my arms just like that, being here with you… just you and me… that will stay engraved into my memory for ever. No one can take our memories away from us. No one.”

“…No one…”, I softly answered.

As Mike was holding me into his arms, he started to slowly rock me. After a while, I started humming the song he had just sang for me… “Mon Dieu”… I will have to ask Will and Paul if, by any chance, they have the record of that song, I said to myself.

But for the moment, all I cared about was that Mike was there with me. Thank God he was holding me like that. I needed him, and he was there for me. Thank God. 

Later that night, I drove him back to Club Med and as he was leaving me, I looked at him and with tears in my eyes I said:

“I love you Mike. Thanks for being there for me today…. Thanks.”

“I’ll always be there for you babe. Always. I love you…”

Finally Mike got out of the car and walked to the Club’s gate. The guard came out of his hut and seeing Mike, just nodded to him. I watched him walk on the Club’s private road and at one point, I saw him turn to wave at me. I switched my head lights on and off…to let him know I had seen him wave at me. Then I saw him disappear into the night.

Why was he disappearing from my sight like that? Why was the night so dark? Where were all the stars that usually light up the sky? Why was he walking alone on that road? Suddenly, I had a bad premonition. Why was I feeling the way I was? Something was going to go wrong. But what? Why? For a few seconds, I remained still. Mike had totally vanished into darkness…

Much later, I would remember that bad premonition….

As I was staring into darkness, I came to realize the guard at the gate was looking at my car and at me, with a friendly smile on his face. I smiled back and left.

I drove back to Bagatelle. When I got inside the mansion, I saw a very dim light coming from the drawing room. I slowly walked in that direction and saw Will and Paul sitting in there, alone. They were holding hands. I didn’t say a word. As I was turning to go upstairs to my room I heard Paul say:

“…Night Jack… Get some rest”

“Do you have eyes behind your head or what?”, I asked, smiling…

“No. I don’t”, he answered. From the tone of his voice, I knew he was smiling too…

“…I didn’t want to disturb you…”, I answered…

“You did not. Are you okay?”

“Yes. And you?”

“Don’t worry Jack. We’re fine. Thanks for asking…”, Will answered… “Now go to bed. It’s late…”

“What about you? Aren’t you going to bed?”

“…We will. Don’t worry for us Jack.”

“Okay then… Night!”

A few days later, as Paul and I were sitting around the pool, I asked Paul about Hans…

Paul looked at me for a while then sighed. “It’s a long story…”

“You’ve already told me that many times in the past Paul… I’m in no hurry today…”

He smiled at me and answered:

“…I guess you’re not huh?”

“Nope!”, I answered, grinning…

Paul then told me how in 1941 he had met Hans for the first time in Berlin, just a few days before Hitler’s invasion of russia. He told me about the Russian campaign… and about Stalingrad. About what had happened there, and about how Hans had been wounded. He explained how Hans had been evacuated from Stalingrad and sent to a military hospital in Germany. He told me that after his release from that hospital, he had moved to Paris… to live with Lutz and Franz there…

But I had so many questions! What was Lutz doing in Paris at the time? And what about Will? I wanted to know how and when Paul had met Will… I wanted to know everything…

Paul smiled at me and said:

“To understand our story my friend, you must know about what was going on in Europe at the time. You must know about the Second World War… (…) I’ll make a deal with you if you want!”

“A deal?”

“Yes”, he answered laughing… “Read about that period, and when you feel you know enough… tell me, and I’ll tell you our story. But first, you must know about the events that occurred at that time because if you don’t, you won’t be able to understand our story…”

“Fine with me!”, I answered, grinning…

For two weeks, Mike and I spent our evenings sitting in front of my computer, reading about WW II… and of course, we had many questions. We made a list of them and one night, we went to see our old friends to get some answers, and they answered each and every one of them.