My first time wasn't a time at all

Did you ever sang "Smalltown boy" by The Communards?

"Pushed around and kicked around always a lonely boy.
You were the one that they'd talk about around town as they put you down.
And as hard as they would try they'd hurt to make you cry.
But you'd never cry to them just to your soul.
No you'd never cry to them just to your soul."

I was growing up in a small town in the early eighties, in a very unfriendly family, who never went out in holliday, or even went for a walk since i was a boy. So this high school trip was my first journey. We came to a bigger town, where i happen to live now, for i moved here years after this story occurried. I often come over the hotel where we stayed, and i remember this issue now and then.

We were to share rooms in groups of three. The teachers set the members of each group, so we had nothing to choose, which i did appreciate, 'cause i wasn't too popular. My room mates, i'd never been specially close to them in school days. In fact, i didnīt like much one of them, i'll call him Jose. The other was fine, very cheerful; call him Manuel. I hadn't noticed he was really handsome; in fact, i hadn't been aware of manly beauty till this journey. I was very childish, both psychologically and bodily. Had no consciousness about what sex was supposed to be, not even as for my own body. Had never enjoyed touching my body, i mean, being aware of what i was doing.

So this was the night in which Manuel tryed to awake my bodily consciousness. Only that he couldn't. After having visited the town and had dinner, everybody went to their rooms. The mates in my room were preparing our stuff for shower, when Manuel asked to have a shower together, the three of us, as he got naked. Jose rapidly said no; i guessed later he wasn't interested in boys. I was indeed, but i didnīt know it then. I was terribly shy and had the security that that wasn't a proper invitation, so i rejected too.

Manuel took his shower by himself, though i was courious, and so i managed to entry the bath, and got a glimpse of his manly body, much more grown that mine. He had, for example, a thick bush of pubic hair, where i only had a shadow of fuzz. Of course, Manuel was rubbing his dick; and not, of course, i'd never seen that before.

But i was too shy. I came back to the room, got naked, and had shower in my turn, also alone. Finally, when the three of us were clean and laying on our beds, only Manuel came on hand jobbing himself, the other two back in our undies and with no erection. There was no touch, no luxurious look. I don't even remember wether Manuel came on his bed or not. And nothing happened the following night, when we had to share the same room again.

I didn't think in this event, maybe for months or years. As i've said, i was too childish psychologically, and Manuel couldn't manage to wake up my sex instincts. He wasn't mature nor experienced, though he had an almost manly body.

Two years later we quitted school; he started to work at his father's, and i went on studying, so our lives came away from each other. I didnīt see him for several years. One day, i was visiting another school mate that dwelled next to Manuel's door. When i was going out, Manuel opened his door and said: "Hei, dude, why don't you come some day to my house, so we could listen to music?". I sounded great, didn't it? I answered "yes", but never went back.

I was still very shy. Moreover, by that time i was really frightened, 'cause i was realizing i was gay, and this scared me. Scared me from myself, and also from the other people. Specially people like Manuel, or at least as i rembered him as he showed himself that hotel night. And i never saw him again.

It took a good time for me to accept myself as an homosexual. But, when i went through with it, i always recall that night as the one of my first time. It'd been too early to me. I guess it was so too for Manuel; he couldn't blow away my shyness, neither my childsih innocence. But that was my first time, as i can see it now. This could not be what everybody's supposed to call a first time. Maybe it wasn't a time at all. But it was the mine.

Maybe i write next time 'about the real first time.