Not Yet Out

Let me tell you the story of my pathetic and sad life until this day. It all started when I did not grow out of that stage in my life; the stage where little boys do not like girls for being girls, and girls don’t like boys for being boys. I grew up in not a broken family, but in a family that did not want me as a son, mainly because I was a very active kid. So they shipped me to London from 4 years to live with my grandmother who lived there where he husband was studying (my step granddad and my childhood as a whole different story). And where I come from, the Middle East, being gay was completely out of the question. So this is how it all began.

I never really grew out of that stage, but I did not do anything about it. I was never exposed to a gay community. When I reached the age of 13, I thought something was wrong with, and by that time, I was back to my home country. I wasn’t attracted to any girls like my friends, and I never really noticed them anyways. Sometimes, when we would all be hanging out or something, and see a couple, they would all be looking at the girl and talking about how hot she looks, and I would be looking at the guys and admire how sexy they really are. I did not dare to say anything though, knowing that fact that being attracted to men was not accepetable.

In my early teens, I stared having huge crushes on my hot friends. whenever we would be alone together, I would just sit and imagine what would it be like to just have them in my rapped around my arms and to kiss their hot red lips, or play with their silky black hair, falling hopelessly in love with the color of their eyes, imagining what would it be like to kiss those hot athletic bodies. That never happened. And because it never happened, I became depressed.

I spent all the years of school, up until graduation (June 08), loving those sexy beasts from a distance, watching them get bigger and bigger, as I got more depressed. I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t come out of this ugly dark closet im locked in, which I am still in. No one knows I’m gay, and I have no idea when is it going to happen.

I started getting bigger myself, put on some weight rather than muscles. Depression and the fact that I could not be who I am made me fat. I am a sad gay person, who has no idea what to do with his life. I dream to be kissed, to be touched, to be hugged, to be loved, to have this one person in my life that I come home too, to look forward for a date, to dress up for someone, to be inspired by someone, to become a better person because and for someone, to loose weight because of someone, and for someone. I am 18 years old, and I have never been kissed in my life!

I recently moved to Brisbane, Australia to study. I am going crazy. All of those hot guys around me are driving me nuts. I cry myself to sleep some nights, just because I can’t do anything about my sexuality. I don’t know how to come out. I would disappoint too many people in my life, and I would hurt even more. I know for a fact that I will be disowned by my family if I even tell them I am gay. I walk around the city, glaring at guys, looking at their hot bodies and asses and eyes and the hotness written just all over them, and feel like shit because I’m fat and cant seem to loose weight because I’m depressed. I am living a lie. I don’t know how to get out.

I am struggling with my self. Sometimes I feel like I just want this person, who is just like me, who likes guys, to just sit and talk to. To tell him what I am going through. To be able to get a free hug just because. I just don’t want to cry myself to sleep most of my nights. I want to be able to go out and have fun. Go to a club, make out, and enjoy my freedom and being away from home. I just can’t.

I know my story is crap, and its nothing of a love story, or a sex story for that matter. But I need to talk to someone. I just need to put it out there, in hope for response, and maybe comfort and sympathy and advice. Feel free to message or email me!