Real Life At The Red Rock Ranch

I had attended camp at the Red Rock Ranch for 5 years in a row. I was scared to death on my first trip, and it was frightening to be away from my parents, my house, and my bedroom for three whole weeks. I cried a lot and spent most of the first week begging my parents to come get me. I even went as far as making threats of suicide. Looking back on it now, I can see that I was a drama queen-in-training when I was young.

The next summer was a little better, and I didn't cry once. Nor did I make empty threats about taking my own life, which was a "measurable improvement" right? - 

It was my third summer at Red Rock that some amazing shit happened. From the second that I arrived that summer, I instantly took notice of how much my friends had change in one year. The fact that I was so intrugued by it was a cause of even greater concern to me, but I didn't dwell on it too much until I fugured out what it all meant.

I distinctly remember sitting around the camp fire, and not being able to take my eyes away from a guy named Bryce. God! had he ever changed. He was once "the chubby kid" with braces on his teeth, and a pair of thick eye-glasses. As I was having these thoughts privately in my head, I clearly heard myself think. "Damn! - Bryce got really cute." I was like "Whoa! hold the phone there, little camper!" This was the onset of my gay awakening, and the entire transition realization to acceptance did not take very long.

I'd like to say that this was like the "little gay light bulb" that lit up over my head, but the implication over my observations of Bryce where very clear to me. This was more like the "big gay light house" that lit up over my head. It was a fucking beacon of light so bright, that it lit up the darkest corners of my mind. The corners where I hid all of my secrets including those that I kept from myself. I just freaked out quietly in my head for a few minutes, as realty slapped me in the face. I couldn't even pretend not to know what all of this meant.

"Ain't that a bitch?" I thought to myself. 

20 minutes ago I was walking from my cabin to the campfire. I arrived, took a seat, made a couple of S'mors over the fire, then I saw Bryce's and how beautiful he looked bathed in an orange glow from the campfire. - and BANG! - just like that, I'm a freakin' homo! - 

I remember thinking "Holy Crap! my folks will hit the fuckin' roof if they piece this little puzzle together." They shelled out $350 bucks to send their kid to camp, and their getting back Liberace in a few weeks.

That, in a nutshell, was pretty much the cruxt of my gay awakening. So, I just soldired on, and never looked back. Camp was never quite the same after that. The rest of that session became somewhat of a labrotory experiement.

The next session would be my last even though I didn't know that at the time. We where all older, more curious, less inhibited, and by week three, it turned into a virtual circle jerk. And as for myself and two other's, one of which was Bryce, it was a even more then that. Bryce became the first boy that I ever kissed, and of course we didn't do it because we wanted to, it was just the rules of the game. But at our age, that was a logical explaination, but it's pretty flimsy when you put some real thought into it. I mean, what else could be expected from 3 boys playing spin-the-bottle? But hey! that was our story, and we're stickin' to it!

I really missed camp when I didn't go the following year, but I had a drives license by then, and didn't want to give up three weeks of this new found freedom to go play spin-the-bottle with some curious straight boys. I had plans Jack! - I was a man on a mission. But I quickly learned that it wasn't that simple. That whole summer I remained sexless, and wonder if I had fucked up by not going to camp. I couldn't get Bryce out of my head, and I missed him terribly. The entire summer of my 16th year was a total bust. I had started it off as a man on a mission, and ended it as a girl interrupted.

I remember feeling that I was going to regret not going to camp that last summer. I suddenly found myself finishing up my last year of high school, too old to go to camp, and terribly missing the first boy that I had ever kissed. I came to tearms that Bryce was gone from my life, and I'd most likely never see him again. 

Two summer's later, when I was 18-years old, an envelope arrived in the mail. Red Rock Ranch was offering me a spot to be a councelor for both sessions (7 weeks). This basically meant that they would pay travel expenses to-and -from camp, feed me for 7 weeks, and in return, they get a counseler who requires very little training. I already know all of the rules, regs, songs, agendas, etc. It would also get me out of having to look for a job for 7 whole weeks, and I jumped at the offer. 

When the day arrived, I took the Amtrak to make the 80 mile trip to the Red Rock Ranch. When I arrived at the station, I could see a few other people gathering around with Red Rock Ranch shirt's on. I recognized a few of them from my sessions years earlier as a camper, but I didn't know them well enough to remember thier names. I walked back out to the platform to smoke a cigarette, and read my Enquirer. I started to become consumed with thoughts of Bryce, and how foolish I was for not seeing how much he meant to me until it was too late. Deep down inside, I knew that I was making this trip so that I could at least feel closer to Bryce. I wanted to find a way to let him go so that I could move on with my life. I wanted to see if sit on that rock by the lake where we sat and held hands. I wanted to see if our initials where still visable that we carved into a tree. 

I heard the next train arrive and knew that the bus from Red Rock would soon be here to take us the remaining 15 miles to the ranch. I lit up another cigarette, knowing that I couldn't smoke on the bus. 

"Hey man! can I bum a smoke?" I heard a voice say. 

I looked up and there he was. It was Bryce in a shirt just like mine. I hadn't seen him in 3 years, and he really hadn't changed all that much. He was still hot, and I suddenly felt like I was 15-years old agian. My palms got all sweaty, and my heart began to race. After all, this guy wasn't just the first boy that I ever kissed, he was my first love that I thought I'd never see again for as long as I lived.

I couldn't think of a single thing to say to casually bring up the kiss, and I didn't want to make a cleaver joke about it. That first kiss between Bryce and I was my fondest memory from the point in my life. There where alot of things about it that I didn't recognize at the time, but realized later. Like how we just kissed with lips in front of Travis, the 3rd player in our spin-the-bottle session. But after he went to sleep, Bryce and I gave up spinning the bottle and just started making out with tongues. I couldn't have ever imagined that Bryce would return to Red Rock as a staffer, and that we'd have a chance to say good bye properly.

We heard the horn honk, and knew it was the Red Rock bus without having to look up. Well....unless someone else had a very loud "awoooh-gaaahhh" air horn on the car. Bryce and I boarded the bus and sat next to each other towards the back. There was plenty of room since there was only about 10 people on a bus that usually seats 40 screaming kids. We talked about what we'd been doing over the past 3 years, and other meaningless stuff. I could detect a slight tone of nervousness in his voice, and as we got closer to Red Rock, I started to panic.

"Do you remember any of these guys Bryce?" I asked.

"By face, but not their names." He replied.

"So....um.....we should probably bunk together, before we get stuck with one of them." I said.

"No shit Sherlock!" Bryce said. "we have to bunk together! I don't like whackin' it in front of strangers."

"Yeah, at least you and I won't have to play "wadda u wanna do"? I said.

"No kidding! I hated that shit!" Bryce said.

So that pretty much settled it. Bryce and I where going to have a very interesting 7 weeks together. It had me horny just thinking about the possibilities. When we where campers, there was always this tense few moments, as new bunk mates tested the water to see if beating-off in front of each other was cool or not.

That's when "wadda u wanna do?" would start. - It was a quick volley words headed for a common goal. It would play out a little something, like this:

"Hey man! you going to sleep now?"

"Nah, I'm not tired yet."

"what's there to do?"

"dunno, what do you want to do?"

"whatever, what do you feel like doing?"

"don't matter to me, whatever u wanna do?"

"what should we do then?"

"dunno, what do you usually do?"

" the same as everyone else, I guess"

"Yeah, I can only think of two things"

"At this time of night, I say dudes where either jackin' or sleepin'

"No shit! or jackin' them selves to sleep."

"I guess there's no harm in beatin' it at bedtime?"

"well.....I can't say that I haven't done it before."

"Me neither - I do it all the time."

"Yeah? do you feel like doing it right now?"

"I will if you will"

"okay - let's whip um out on the count of three"

I have come to the conclusion that "wadda u wanna do" is basically "fore-play" for jack-off buddies, so that nobody has to whip out a limp dick.. It was a great relief to both of us that we didn't need to do this anymore. We'd outgrown that shyness years ago. For guys, after a few sessions of camp, someone seeing you masturbate is about a private as someone seeing you apply deodorant or brush your teeth.

So here we where, back together again. Bryce's reason for coming was to kill time before he went off to college in September. I wasn't college bound and was just looking for an excuse to put adult-life on hold for just a little longer.

What a perfect setting this was for someone who was resisting adulthood, responsibility, and everything else that comes along with it. I had recently whished that I could relive my first kiss with Bryce, and pretty much the entire last week we had spent together. The fact of the matter was that, I had never been able to capture that feeling that I got when I kissed Bryce. I wondered if it was because it was the first kiss, or was it something else. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait too long to find out.

We got our hut squared away, and one of the two dorms that we'd be responsible for. The camp was deserted, and after 4:00 pm, we where free to do whatever we wanted until chow. The sun was still relatively high in the sky, and we decided to take a boat out on the lake.