Sand Castles : Part One

After repeated requests for a second part to ‘Sand’, I sat down and wrote this. I hope it holds up to everyone’s expectations.

*** Revelation.

“Hello . . Sand.” I said gently.
I watched Nic carefully. He shuddered and then sighed heavily.
“You . . you’re not angry?” He asked softly.

I shook my head slowly.
“No.” I said gently. “I’m not angry. Why would I be?”

He sat down on the day bed slowly, his green eyes on me.
“Well . . !” He began. “I . . um . . sort of deceived you . . you know . . lied to you.”

I sat in the armchair facing him and smiled.
“No Nic.” I said. “You have never lied to me. Ever!”
“But . . this morning . . on the beach . . !” He stammered.
“Yes.” I said. “This morning on the beach you sort of lied to me by omission I guess, but that’s different. You just didn’t tell me.”
“Oh God, I tried, David.” He said softly. “I really tried. I went to meet you to . . you know . . to tell you everything but I lost my nerve. I . . couldn’t bear the thought that . . you know . . you might be disappointed . . angry.”

“Nic, let me tell you something.” I said. “I’m not disappointed at all. In fact, I’m really glad it’s you and not some strange man who might turn out to be completely different to what I’d imagined. That might have been disappointing.” I paused. Nic’s eyes held me in my chair. “I think that subconsciously, I hoped it would be you; I wished it to be you. Don’t you see? I’ve got two for the price of one; Sand and you!”

He rose and crossed to his desk. He opened the drawer and took something out. He came over to me and held it out to me. It was a bundle of loose papers – my notes to Sand.
“These are yours.” He said. I shook my head.
“No, they belong to you now.” I replied. “I wrote them to Sand . . to you.”

He stepped back and sat down on the day bed, my notes clutched in his hand.
“Can I ask you one thing?” I said. “How did you do it?”

He smiled and his dimple flashed appealingly.
“It was pretty easy.” He replied. “Each day, after you left for your run, I would ride down to the beach on my bike. I’d leave the note for you and then wait in the sheltered bus stop across the street. Once you’d got the note and gone . . um . . I’d go down and get your answer. That gave me a whole day to write the next one. The messages in the sand were easier to get. I could read them from the boardwalk. I . . uh . . left the new ones for you while you were running up to the point.”

I nodded and smiled.
“And of course, the day you collapsed in the hall, there was no note.” I said matter of factly. “I should have caught on then I guess, but I was so concerned about you it never crossed my mind.”

He nodded and smiled sheepishly.
“I’m sorry, David.” He said. “About . . about everything.”
“Don’t be.” I replied. “I’m not. You . . well Sand helped me more than you realize.”
“I’m glad.” He said.

I thought carefully about how I wanted to phrase the next part of what I wanted to say.
“Nic.” I began. “I want you to know that I meant every word I wrote in those notes. Every single word.”

He nodded and silently looked down at the crumpled notes in his hand.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” I asked carefully.

He looked up at me and nodded slowly.
“Yes.” He whispered. His eyes held mine and I saw a world of love and desire in them. “And I . . uh . . meant every word I wrote.”

We stared at each-other in silence for an eternity. I realized that I loved this man more than anything in the world. I loved him and I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life. But I had to be really careful how I was going to handle the situation. It was obvious to me that he had never had a lover and I didn’t want to scare him off.

Nic got up and went over to the desk. He carefully replaced my notes in the drawer. He closed it and turned and faced me.

“I . . um . . I want you . . Oh God!” He stammered. He shook his head as if to clear it and then he took a deep breath. “David, I . . love you . . uh . .damn it!”
“It’s okay, don’t say anything right now.” I said softly and stood up and crossed to him. “I know Nic, I know.”
“God I’m such a bumbling idiot!” He whispered in a rush. “I can’t even say ‘I love you’!”
“You just did and you’re not an idiot.” I said gently. “That’s something you’ll never be.”

I reached out slowly and laid my hand on his shoulder. He shivered at my touch but I knew it was because of his nervousness. I leaned forward slowly and kissed him gently on the lips. I resisted the urge to part his lips with my tongue. One step at a time, I told myself. He let out a small moan but responded to my kiss. I drew back, my eyes on his. They glowed with an inner light that made them seem even more startling than they really were.

“I . . um . . David . . I’ve never . . you know . . !” He began softly but I put my fingers to his lips to quiet him.
“Shh!” I whispered. “I know, Nic.”

I pulled him to me gently and put my arms around him. He came into my embrace willingly and his arms wrapped themselves around my body. We stood and held each-other. I could feel every part of him against me and I reveled in it. The hard, hot bulge of his crotch pressed against me and I became highly aroused. An overwhelming heat flooded my groin and I felt my dick fill and swell rapidly. He moaned softly at the feel of it and his arms tightened around me. I dropped my face to his shoulder and drew in a deep breath. His scent was intoxicating, a blend of his maleness mixed with a subtle hint of cologne.

“Nic.” I whispered. “I love you and I want you more than anything right now but I don’t want to rush you into anything, okay? We’ll take it slow, one step at a time.”
“Oh God . . !” He breathed. “I . . uh . . love you too . . so much it hurts.”

I drew back and looked into his beautiful face. It was true. I could see it in his eyes. He loved me and I knew it would be for always. Then he leaned forward and kissed me, surprising me. I felt his tongue probe gently at my lips and I opened my mouth willingly. Our tongues collided and twisted around each-other wetly. He moaned again and I sensed his desire heighten. I ran my hands down his body and over his buttocks.

He tightened his arms about me and pressed his hips harder against mine and the heat at our groins intensified. His kiss became more urgent, more demanding. I ran my hands up his body under his shirt and the tight muscles of his broad back quivered under my fingertips. He released my lips and groaned. I ran my lips down his neck to the base of his throat and dropped small kisses along his collar bone. He threw his head back, his breathing suddenly fast and erratic.

Then he let out a ragged groan, his fingers dug into my shoulder blades and he shuddered violently and his entire body trembled uncontrollably. His hips spasmed against mine and I knew immediately what had happened. I had been half expecting it, considering the heightened state of arousal we were both in. I was pretty close to dropping a load myself. He moaned long and loud and then his legs sort of caved in. I held onto him, swung him round and sat him down on the edge of the day bed. I knelt between his knees, my hands gripping the tops of his arms to steady him. He started to cry quietly, his breath heaving in great gasps. My heart went out to him and I had never loved him as much as I did right then.

“Nic, please don’t.” I said softly. “It’s okay, really. Don’t feel bad. I know what’s happened and I understand; I really do.”
“Oh God . . I’m so sorry . . !” He gasped. “I . . I’m so sorry!”
“Don’t be.” I said. “Please relax. It’s quite normal.”

I pulled him to me and put my arms around him. He dropped his head onto my shoulder and I held him close while his sobs subsided.
Finally, he lifted his head and I released my hold on him. He sat back slowly, his eyes on his hands in his lap. I sat back on my heels and rested my hands on his spread thighs.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered again.
“Nic, look at me.” I said but he shook his head, lifted his hands and covered his face.
“Nic, please look at me.” I said again and reached out and took his hands in mine. I pulled them from his face and held onto them. His eyes darted about the room and then settled on my face reluctantly.

“I’m . . so embarrassed . . !” He began.
“There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It can happen to the best of us.” I said with a smile. “And I’m not at all surprised, considering how turned on we both were. It almost happened to me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I said with a smile. “It was pretty close for me but you pipped me at the post.”

“I still feel bad about it though.” He said.
“Well don’t.” I finished and leaned forward and kissed him on the mouth. He returned my kiss eagerly, letting me explore his warm mouth with my tongue. I drew back and smiled into his wonderful eyes.
“I suggest that we get some coffee and then talk; I mean really talk.” I said. “There are things I need to know about you and I’m sure the same goes for you. What do you say?”

“Sure . . but first I need to . . you know . . uh . . oh God . . !” He mumbled.
“Get cleaned up?” I said with a grin and he nodded vigorously. “Okay, I’ll get the coffee then.”

I stood up and pulled him to his feet. He quickly dropped a hand to his crotch to cover the wet patch that was spreading across the front of his jeans but I stopped him.
“No secrets, Nic.” I said. “From now on, there must be no secrets between us. I know what happened to you and I must admit that it’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever experienced and I truly wish that it had happened to me. Besides, the thought of knowing what that wet patch really is; is so damn sexy!”

He laughed softly and I was pleased to see that the Nic I knew had re-surfaced. He made his way towards the bathroom as I picked up our coffee mugs. He stopped at the bathroom door and faced me.
“David.” He said and I turned to face him. “Can I just say that it was one of the most exciting and. . um . . intense things that’s ever happened to me. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome.” I said with a laugh. “But bear this in mind; I’m going to make you pay for it. With interest!”

He looked stricken for a moment and then got my meaning.
“Can’t wait!” He breathed with a wicked grin and disappeared into the bathroom.

**** Desires.

“Okay, Nic.” I began after we had settled down with hot mugs of coffee. “I need to find out a few things about you before we go any further because I want us to be comfortable with each-other. Some of the things will be quite personal but please understand that I’m not prying. I just want us to have a clear understanding of each-other. Obviously, the same thing goes for you. I want you to feel free to ask me anything, anything you want; no matter how personal. Okay?”

“Sounds daunting.” He said with a smile. “But okay.”
“Right.” I began. “First: It is my guess that you’ve never been with anyone, particularly another man. Right?”
“Right.” He answered matter of factly. “I could barely talk to anyone let alone . . you know . . try to . . oh God!”

“Nic.” I berated him. “You have got to talk to me. I’m not going to judge you and trust me, anything you say will certainly not shock me. Besides, I imagine we’re going to get a whole lot more intimate with each-other in the future; far more so than just talking. Okay?”
“Okay, I’ll try.” He replied.
“So now I’ll ask you again: You’ve never had a lover, male or female. Right?”
“No, I haven’t.” He said. “Too shy! You know how I am? How can I possibly get someone to . . um . . sleep with me when I can barely talk to anyone. How sad is that? Thirty-one and I’ve . . um . . never done it! Well, apart from . . you know.”

He held his hand up, the fingers spread. I knew what he meant right away.
“It doesn’t matter and I figured as much anyway. I find it kind of charming.” I said. “Next question and please feel free to ask me anything you want at anytime, okay? If you haven’t been with anyone, how did you find out you were gay?”

“Well.” He said. “I only discovered it when I was about twenty-five or so. Up until then I hadn’t bothered much with things like that because I was studying. I really had no interest in girls . . or guys for that matter. The thought of even asking someone out on a date . . you know . . terrified me. Then I got hold of some . . you know . . videos . . porn videos . . all kinds?” He flushed slightly at this. “And I found that the gay ones really turned me on and I would . . you know . . !” He lifted his hand and made a jerk off motion quickly. “And the others . . the straight ones did nothing for me and that’s when I realized it. Strangely, it never bothered me, I just accepted it.” He finished in a rush.

“Okay.” I said and then posed my next question carefully. “Now, are you absolutely sure about that? I mean, I don’t want to find out later that you made a mistake and would prefer girls after all.”
“Absolutely sure.” He said adamantly. “Girls terrify me more than guys do. And what happened earlier . . you know . . is proof of it. It was so . . exciting and such . . a turn on! I’ve never felt that . . way before. You really got me . . um . . going.” He grinned sheepishly.
“Yeah.” I grinned. “I have to say that it’s the first time I’ve ever made anyone come in his pants. You have no idea how hot it was for me.”

He grinned broadly.
“I still feel bad about it.” He said. “But it’s been a while since I . . um . . you know . . !”
“Jerked off?” I said. “Come on Nic, don’t be shy.”

“Yeah!” He replied with another grin. “And you are so . . kind and . . well, beautiful . . and you really turn me on . . wow!”
“Thank you.” I said with a smile. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
“Thanks.”
“I lie.” I said. “You are gorgeous, you know that? I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am.”
“Thanks again.” He smiled.

The next bit was a little more complicated so I carefully thought about how to approach it.
“David?” Nic asked hesitantly. “Can I . . um . . ask you something . . something really personal?”
“I told you, you can ask me anything.”

“Okay.” He began. “Are you . . um . . circumcised . . or not?”
“Would it matter either way?” I asked.
“No, not really.” He replied with a small smile. “I just want to . . uh . . sort of know what to expect. Do you mind?”
“No not at all.” I said. “You’ll find out soon enough anyway. My name is Jewish although I am not. I’m actually of Jewish descent so it follows that I’m cut.”

“Right, of course. So am I . . cut I mean.” He smiled. “Um . . there’s something else I’d like to know . . also personal.”
“Go ahead.” I said with a grin. “The floor’s open.”
“What I want to know is; are you . . um . . top or bottom?” He finished hurriedly, almost as if the words felt bad in his mouth.
“To be perfectly candid Nic, it doesn’t matter to me either way.” I said. “I like sex and I really don’t mind how it comes. But I think that sort of thing can be sorted out much, much later, okay? What about you?”

“I don’t . . I don’t really know.” He said.
“Nic, at this point it doesn’t really matter.” I said. “That’s what makes it all the more exciting. We can find out about each-other one step at a time.”

He nodded slowly while he digested this. He had more or less broached the subject I had wanted to bring up.
“But seeing as we’re on the subject.” I said. “I gather you know what goes on between two guys in the sack. You’ve seen videos of it so I assume you’re familiar with gay sex.”

He nodded.
“Yes, I know what it entails.”
“Okay.” I said. “What I want you to know is that if there is anything; anything at all that makes you feel uncomfortable, you must tell me. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything you don’t want to just to please me, okay? I want us to have fun together and enjoy each-other with no awkwardness. Also, I want you to realize that what goes on in porn videos is often over-exaggerated. They are purely designed to give the viewer the maximum amount of excitement.”
“Of course.” He replied. “Thank you for being . . so patient, so . . understanding.”

“Nic, I haven’t had a relationship with anyone for a very long time. It was so long ago that I can barely remember it.” I said. “So in many ways, I’m just as new to this as you are. We’ll find out about each-other together.”
We stared at one another for a moment. I marveled at how lucky I was to have such a man, a man who clearly loved me without reservation. I briefly wondered what Sand would think of it all and then mentally kicked myself for an idiot. Nic was Sand, so the thought was redundant. But it did give me an idea.

“Nic, I have an idea for a little experiment.” I said. “I would like you to go along with me, if that’s okay?”
“Of course, anything.” He replied without hesitation. “What do you want me to do?”
I explained my plan to him and I watched his face brighten with understanding.

Then we talked some more. We talked on into the afternoon and then into the evening. He told me of his lonely life and I told him of mine. We shared lunch and in the evening, we went to a local restaurant and had our first dinner date. Later, I showed him around my apartment and then we watched a movie together. Finally, we both fell asleep, curled up on the day bed in his apartment, wrapped in each-other’s arms fully clothed. I wanted to make love to him desperately but I held off. There was plenty of time for that later. What was exhilarating was the fact that we were together and that we had learned so much about each-other during that memorable day.

*** Sand.

I awoke at my usual hour. I turned my head and looked into Nic’s face. He was still asleep and he looked angelic. I shifted slightly because my left arm, trapped under his neck, had gone to sleep. He stirred and opened his eyes.

“Good morning.” I whispered.
“Hi.” He said and smiled.
“I have to get up.” I said. “I need to change and go.”
“Yes of course.” He sighed. “You really want to do this?”
“Yes, Nic.” I replied. “I think we both need to do it. Call it closure, if you will.”
“Right.” He said and sat up. “Do you want some coffee first?”
“No thanks.” I said. “I never drink it at this time.”

I got up and gave my arm a shake. The blood rushed into it causing a momentary ache. I went to Nic, kissed him and told him I’d see him later.
In my apartment, I quickly changed into my running gear and went to the desk. On a clean sheet of paper, I wrote what I needed to say and then rolled it up into a narrow tube.
I opened my door and stepped out into the corridor. Nic was already there, his newspaper clutched in his hand a lazy smile on his face.

”Have a nice run.” He said.
“Thanks, I’ll see you later.” I said and left.

I ran down to the beach and straight to the children’s playground. I went up to the great rocking-horse, bent and slipped the rolled up note into its gaping mouth. Then I jogged down to the water’s edge and ran up the beach to the point.
The note was in place, at the back of the horse’s throat, waiting for Sand. It would be the last letter I would ever write to him.

Dear Sand,
I know in my heart that this will be my last letter to you, yet strangely I am not saddened.

A most wonderful thing has happened. My neighbor Nic, whom I have mentioned before, has declared openly that he loves me. The most amazing thing is that I have come to realize that I love him. I love him more than anything in the world. When I am with him, my heart fills with joy and I feel complete in mind, body and soul. He has become my life now.

However, I have one regret; that I never got to meet you Sand, in person; but I know now that you were right not to confront me. Things might have turned out completely different and I may have lost all that I have gained. I would have liked to have met you, yes; and to have had the opportunity to tell you how much I love you, but I will content myself now with the words on these scraps of paper. And I do love you; more than you will ever know. I came to depend on you; on your kindness; on your understanding and on your love.

How can this be, you may ask? That I can love two very different people at the same time. The answer is simple.

I love you because of what you have done for me. You have taught me to live my life to its fullest. To take risks, and most importantly, you have taught me to love again. And I love you because I know how much you love me.
And I love sweet, gentle Nic. He has taught me about loneliness, about innocence and like you, about love. And like you, I love him because I know how much he loves me.

My greatest wish would be for you and my beloved Nic to somehow come together in one person. That one single being could command all the love that I feel for both of you. This would make me the happiest man in the world for I know that the combined love you both feel for me would sustain me forever, and the love I feel for each of you would be utterly overwhelming.

I love you both.
David.

I reached the point and slowed to a stop. I did a few stretches and then sat on a rock for a while. I watched some seagulls fishing in the shallows and thought about what Nic and I were doing. My plan was simple. I wanted to draw Nic out. I wanted him reveal that part of himself he called Sand and I wanted him to feel secure in the knowledge that I loved him beyond anything, no matter who he was. Of course I had not told him this. I had said that it would be a form of closure and we could put Sand to bed, so to speak. He had accepted this gladly.

I sat a few minutes longer and then decided that I should start back to the playground. I had given Nic ample time to do what he had to do. I ran up the beach, oddly excited because I would read Sand’s words again, albeit for the last time.

I ran straight to the rocking-horse and took a deep breath. I bent and looked deep into its throat. The note was there. A wild sense of déjß vu washed over me as I eased it out. I sat on the wall of the playground and unrolled the piece of paper slowly. Sand’s familiar handwriting jumped out at me from the page.

My Dear David,
I am overjoyed that you have found the love and intimacy that you have so long yearned for.

This man Nic, whom you speak of; whom you love and who claims to love you is a lucky man indeed. I can only hope that he is worthy of your love. I hope that he will treasure it; I hope that he will nurture it and I desperately hope that he is able to return it tenfold. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you with kindness and respect and who will love you unconditionally for all eternity. I can only hope that Nic is such a man. The love between two people is like a sand castle. It has to be maintained or it will crumble and fall into the so many grains of sand that make it up. I hope he is up to the task of keeping the walls of your sand castle intact as you are his.

I know now that you no longer need me and I know that you have learned as much from me as you are able. Did I not say that I would help you shed yourself of your loneliness? Did I not say that I would help you find the love you desired? Well, I think that I have achieved these goals and this pleases me beyond anything. In that thought alone, I am quite content.

You say you love me and I truly believe you do. It pleases me greatly that you also love Nic. A man’s heart knows no bounds. It is as wide as the never-ending sky and it is as deep as a bottomless ocean and it is quite capable of loving any number of people. I will be quite content with the love you bear for me and I will carry it with me forever.

Please remember that I do love you, more than life itself and be happy in the knowledge that I will always love you.
I have done what I set out to do and I am happy. I will not say ‘good-bye’ for I know that sometime in the future we will speak again. I feel it in my soul.

Remember that I will always be with you, no matter what.
Until we meet again.

I love you,
Sand.

I carefully folded the note and slipped it into my pocket. Nic had played his part well and I could only hope that he realized the whole point of the exercise. I knew that Sand would always be a part of him and the fact that he claimed that he would always be with me made me believe that they had somehow merged into one being. I could only hope that this was so.

I trotted home slowly my thoughts whirling around my head. I went straight to my apartment, called the gallery and left a message pleading sudden illness. I needed to spend more time with Nic. Besides, the thought of trying to work the day through seemed a little daunting. I knew I would not be able to concentrate and would probably get frustrated and angry with the staff so it was better all round if I stayed away.

I did a few more stretches to ease the slight ache I had in the small of my back and then I had a shower and changed into a comfortable pair of trousers and a loose cotton shirt. I had a few things to do and because it was still early, I took my time. I left the building and called in at the produce market and picked up a few things and then I made my way to the meat market. I chose some choice pieces and then slowly made my way home. I was excited at the prospect of spending the entire day with Nic, yet I was strangely calm.