Secret Admirer 2

I stood infront of Andy speechless. I really didn't have a clue what to say at that moment when I turned around to find out my secret admirer was my best mate for life. I was glad he spoke first.

"Dan, I know this must be a shock for you, please come have dinner with me and I will explain everything." Andy said to me.

I just nodded in agreement and followed him inside, he spoke to the receptionist and we followed the waiter to our table at the back of the restaurant. I sat down and looked at him, still not saying anything.

"Dan you ok?" He asked concerned.

"Uh..yeah I'm ok...I think...I mean what?...When?...Why?...How?...Is this a joke?" I asked stuttering my words.

"No it's no joke. Everything I sent in those notes is true, I love you Dan, always have. I just never knew it before. The last few months it's occured to me how much I do love you and how much I want you. I understand that you don't feel the same but I needed to tell you as it's driving me crazy. I just hope our friendship isn't over because of this, that means more to me than anything." Andy explained.

I sat looking at him. God he was hot, those eyes and that smile could make a fish look twice. 

"I don't know what to say Andy. I thought you were straight....I mean when I came out to you that I was Bi all those years ago, and told you I loved you, you pulled away from me and I was afraid we'd lose our friendship because of me. I'm glad we didn't but why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't know I loved you then....I suppose deep down I knew, but I couldn't be in a gay relationship then...imagine what my folks would've said. You know my dad would've thrown me to the wolves, and my mum was no better. I couldn't do it Dan, but I've regretted it ever since. I'm gay, always have been. I've told Emma and she said she had it figured out and she's cool with it. Our marriage hasn't been right for a long time, I just didn't like to say anything until now. Turns out she's in love with another guy and wants to start a relationship with him. I've told her I love you and she's happy if I'm happy." Andy said.

I saw a tear fall from the corner of his eye. He wiped it with his sleeve and put his head in his hands. I felt like crying myself. I was just pulling his hands away from his face when the waiter came. He introduced himself as Phil and said he'd be our waiter for the night. We came to our senses and he stood there whilst we chose our meal from the menu and ordered a non alcoholic drink. He left our table.

Andy started again. "I'm sorry Dan, sorry for everything. For letting you love me back then, for not loving you back, for all these years we've missed out on and for bringing you here tonight and confessing my love for you. Maybe it was wrong to do this, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No Andy it's ok. I'm glad you did...I hate secrets between us. I just don't know if I can have a relationship with you now. Yes if I'm honest I think you're gorgeous and I always have done. I just never let my feelings show afterwards." I paused for a second but he didn't reply. "I loved you Andy and it hurt to know you didn't love me back. All the things we did together and you stopped it just like that. But I suppose I was glad we were still friends, at least I knew we could be together somehow."

I had tears in my eyes as well by this point. Andy had his head bowed down. The waiter came with our drinks, took one look at us, put the drinks down and hurried off. 

I let out a chuckle. "Think we scared the poor guy off. Give him something to talk about back in the kitchen anyway....two grown men crying into their dinner."

Andy couldn't help but smile back. "I suppose we better get a grip before they bring the tissue box out."

Just then the waiter came with our starters. We said thankyou and he smiled. We ate in silence, and I couldn't help but glance up at those ice blue eyes that had me first hooked 20 odd years before. When we were finished, the waiter came back to collect the plates. We ordered another drink and he smiled again at us and went off.

"He seems a nice guy."

"You fancy him?" I asked, suddenly worried.

Andy looked at me. "He's not bad, nothing like you though." He sighed loud. Then looked at me. "I should've listened to my heart instead of my head. I destroyed something that could've been good, something that I wanted."

I put my hand on his and a jolt of electricty ran right through my body. I'm sure he felt it too as he looked into my eyes. I didn't move it though, it felt good. I looked at him for a few moments.

"Andy please don't blame yourself, it's my fault as well....maybe I should've tried harder to keep you. But we were young, we hadn't experienced life, other people and relationships. I realised that soon after and when I fell for Laura I thought that maybe it was for the best and we weren't meant to be. You have nothing to be sorry for so don't worry about it."

I heard a cough and Phil, the waiter stood there with the drinks. Oh God had he been listening? How long for? He didn't say anything though. 
I realised my hand was still on Andy's and I moved it away, blushing. Phil put the drinks down then wondered off. I took a drink and swallowed...hard. Andy acted as though nothing had happened.

"I guess you're right. I don't regret marrying Emma, it brought us 2 wonderful children, and 2 Godchildren for you. But I regret not being honest with myself from the start, not being honest with my parents and you. Even if nothing comes out of this, I know that at least I'm hapy within myself."

I smiled at him and rubbed my thumb against the back of his hand, not remebering when I put it back there. He looked down and I realised what I was doing so I pulled away quickly. He sighed out of disappiontment.

"I'm glad you're being honest with yourself Andy. I had a feeling deep down that you weren't happy somehow, I just didn't know what and why. Have you told you're parents?" I asked.

"Yeah, mum was ok with it suprisingly. Said she still loved me whatever. As long as I'm happy then she'd support me one hundred percent." He paused. "Dad didn't take it that well, said he still loved me but couldn't understand why his son was gay. I told him I didn't choose to be, but I think he's more worried about his reputation."

"Yeah sounds like your dad alright, he'll come round to it soon enough. I think my own parents were glad I chose to go down the straight root rather than the gay one. I wonder whether I chose the right one now."

We stayed silent for a few minutes, but it looked as though Andy was happy I made that comment. 
Phil brought the main course and smiled at both of us and nodded his head. I wondered what he meant by that. What was he thinking about us now? Did he do that to every customer? I mean it's one thing smiling, but it was almost a grin. I decided that maybe I was being paranoid. 

Again we ate in slience and I wondered what or how I should be feeling. This was the guy I fell in love with when I was 13, the guy who I shared my frist kiss, lost my virginity to, but the guy who broke my heart when I was 16. But he was my best friend, the guy who knew me better than anyone. I thought I knew him but I was wrong. Yes I loved him, but in what way? Friends? Brothers? or lovers? I didn't know if I loved him that way again. Maybe I did deep down but brushed those feelings to the back of my mind just like he did. Could those feelings be brought to life again? Did I want them to? Did I want to love and be loved by Andy and become partners in that way? 

I thought about it some more whilst eating. Yes I did. But how could I? I couldn't leave Laura just like that. I couldn't leave the children and move in with another man. Not just any man, their Godfather! What would I tell them. How do you explain that to three young children?

"Dan?" Andy asked after a few more minutes. I looked up. "What are you thinking?"

I sighed. "I'm thinking about us, about where we go from here. Whether I love you and if it's possible to have a future together." He looked at me and nodded. I carried on. "I'm concerend for the kids Andy. Not just mine but yours also. How would they take the news that their parents are splitting up? Not to mention that their dad and the person they think of as an uncle are going to be lovers. Have you thought about that?"

Andy didn't say anything. I bowed my head down and finished off my meal in silence. Phil came soon after and took his time at our table clearing the plates, walked off with them and came back with the dessert menu. Phil waited for our order. Andy spoke up while I was looking at the desserts.

"You know Dan the kids will be upset, but they'll come round, I'm sure they can tell things aren't going well anyway, and we can tell the rest of the family soon enough, you know our brothers and sisters." 

"I suppose." I said quietly. 

"You know I thought it was just a crush, or just something that all guys do and feel growing up. I didn't think the feelings were real. Now I know they were."