Seymours Endless Story - Vol. 1, Jerry & The Landloard

On the way home from school that day, I started to plan how I would end my life in the morning. I ran it down in my head from start to finish. First is the note. "Holy Fuck! The Note!" Rang out in my head as I rememberd that I didn't take the note off of the door before I ran off to school. I looked at the time and realize that my dad is most likely home. I jumped a wall and ran down the shoulder of the freeway to cut 10 minutes off my time instead of walking by the maze of streets.

If there was ever a time where God was trying to send a sign, it was now. Malfunctioning gun, dad getting home late from work, I decided to put killing myself on the back burner.

Tom side that he felt the same way when he learned about Edgar and his crew going down in the ocean. He only thought about it but never attempted. He said that he could live with the pain on earth, and didn't want to jeopardise his chance for an eternity in heaven. He was convinced that he and Edgar will be together again in heaven. 

I am not foolish enough to think that what happened between Jeff and I hasn't had a negative impact on my life. It almost killed me and I hated him for not loving me. I also hated God for making me love Jeff. For more then a decade, I felt that my life was some sort of experiment, or simply amusement for others.

It stayed that way for many years until my 10 year high school reunion. By the time I walked into the lobby of the hotel on my reunion night, 13 years had passed since that day that I told Jeff that I was in love with him out in that schoolyard.

About an hour into the reunion, Jeff appeared from the crowd. I almost didn't recognize him, but I knew that voice. He seemed anxious and very animated.

"Oh shit! Jerry, thank God your here. I was afraid that you wouldn't be here. Come on, I need to talk to you." He said and was physically guiding me out of the ballroom into the hallway.

We went to one spot, but people would see us and approach us to catch up on old times. We must have moved 3 different times until we found a secluded table in the corner of the hotel bar. Jeff didn't waste any time getting to the point.

"I am going to beg you to forgive for how I reacted that day, ya know? In the field at school." He said. 

He was off to a bad start. I was not about to sit there and have him refer to the day that I confessed my love for him as: That Day, Ya Know, In The Field, At School. 

"Okay, can you give me a hint? That Day? School? Field?" I said. Jeff actually look pissed.

"You're kidding me right? I'm talking about the day you told me that you were in love with me!" He said very loudly. It was loud enough to draw attention from half of the people in the small bar. That made my happier.

"Jeff, I know what day you where talking about. I just wanted to hear you say it." I said

Jeff apologized again and said that he felt bad for the way he reacted. If I had to pick one out of the million things that made me fall in love with this person as a boy, it was his commical sense of logic and reason.

"I mean, Come on Jerry! What would you have done if I told you that I was in love with you that day?"

I just looked at him knowing that he'd correct himself and elaborate on what he meant.

"No! I mean if it was reversed. You didn't love me, I just loved you and I told you so. But you dont love me." Jeff said

"What you need to do Jeff, is to take that scenario and think about how it would make you feel."

"I did, 5-years ago and that's why I'm here. I feel like shit. Fuck man! you were my friend. How could I have done that to you?" Jeff said. I could see tears starting to form in his eyes. I was just about to tell him about my dads shotgun. I'm gald his tears came when they did.

"Jeff, It's okay man. I forgive you. I forgave you back then because you didn't go and tell evryone."

I met Jeff's wife after we went back to the ballroom. I was surprised to find that Jeff had told her about our friendship, and why it ended. When Jeff marched me up to her all excited.

"Honey! Honey! This is Jerry, Jerry this is my wife Debbie." Jeff said. His wife said hello, hugged me and then slugged my on the shoulder.

"You forgave him after what he did?" She said "God! what is it about him that makes people love him?" His wife said.

"I have no idea. I was gay and had already seen his penis, and told him that I loved him anyway. Go figure?" I said.

"Me too!" she replied, and we laughed when we realized that Jeff could hear us.

"Helloooooooooo, I can hear you guys!" Jeff said.

I noticed that Tom was just sitting there smiling at me. I don't even recall looking at him as I recounted this story. In my mind I had gone back there. It felt great even though it was both happy and sad. 

I told Tom about what happend the day after I took my dads shotgun in the hallway bathroom. I've never told anyone this. It's never even been written on paper until now. 

The next morning I got up and went to school. My dad was long gone to work as usual. My mom made me breakfast as usual. She was fixing a plate for Jeff and I told her that Jeff had called and said he wasn't going to school today. I was going to have to come up with something. I hated myself for trying to turn Jeff into a faggot. I got to school and made it through homeroom even though a million thoughts where buzzing in my head. During first period I was called to the office. I started walking towards the office and then I saw my dads car parked along the curb before I even got there.

The secretary asked if I wanted anyone in particular to bring my assignments home, and I was about to say Jeff when I caught myself. "No! I'll make up the tests in studyhall on friday" I said. My dad didn't say a word and I could tell that whatever was wrong was serious.

"What's wrong dad"

"Get in the car" he said.

We drove down the street and he just kept looking over at me. I was very confused and scared because my dad has never been shy or at a loss for words. I thought that he was leaving my mom, and he decided to tell me away from school.

"Dad! What's wrong, where are we going." I said again.

"You tell me what's wrong. What in the fuck is wrong with you! Where are you planning on going, Son!"

I was freaking out. First of all, I had never heard my dad say the "F" word, nor have I ever seen him this upset. I've seen him mad a million times but this was different. He wasn't mad, he was upset.

He swerved the car into a parking lot of a park between our house and my school. Then he screamed at the top of his lungs. Understand this point! He was fucking screaming, not yelling, but mother fucking screaming.

"TELL ME! TELL ME GOD DAM IT!" he screamed and then tossed my note in my lap. He had found my note in the trash. I didn't even recognize it until I opened it and saw my writing. I swear I could have passed out from the blood rushing to my head.

"TELL ME!" My dad screamed again and started pounding his fists on the stearing wheel.

"TELL ME! TELL ME SON! TELL ME WHAT COULD BE SO BAD!"

I just remember falling forward onto my back pack and crying. "I'm a fag dad. I told jeff that I was in love with him and now he hates me."

"So you're going to kill yourself over that! That's not your problem son, it's Jeff's problem." He said.

"No dad, Listen to me! Jeff isnt the fag, I am! And he hates me because I'm in love with him."

"I heard you son! I rather you take my shotgun and go kill Jeff because he's too stupid not to love you back. At least this way your mom and I can come visit your dumb ass in prison."

"But I'm gay dad. Aren't you listening to anything I'm saying? Don't you understand."

"No I don't understand. You're gay, so what! You were going to have make a choice sooner or later son! Do you think mom and I wouldn't love you?

By this time my dad was reduced to tears. I had now managed to tear down the lifelong perception of my fater as strong and indestructable. It wasn't long before he won back that perception. He gragged my by my shirt and pulled me over to him like I weighed 5 pounds.

"Your mother will never learn about the shotgun! Do you hear me?" He said.

"Yes sir" I said

"Tonight you will tell your mom about what's going on with Jeff, that's it. Never tell anyone about this note, ever! Do you understand me?" He said.

"Yes sir."

"Never think that you can do or be anything that will make me and mom stop loving you. You look at me and tell me that you'll never do that! PROMISE ME!" he shouted.

"Okay! okay! I promise." I said.

"I want you to know something. If you ever do that. I will take that shotgun and turn it on your mom, and then myself. Understand! I mean it son."

I knew that my father would never do that. He loved my mother way too much. He was just trying to make a point and It was made. This, as far as I know, was the only secret he kept from my mother. 

Yet again I had gotten lost in telling this part of my life to Tom. I looked over to find him blowing his nose into a handherchif. 

I asked Tom why he was crying and he told me that he has always wondered what his father would have said if he knew that he was a homosexual. Tom said that my story reminded him of his youth. Tom's father died, never knowing that his son had experienced the joy of true love.

"My father was a wonderful man." Tom said. "He respected Edgar so much. I had never seem my father cry until he learned of Edgar's demise."

"Why didn't you tell him about the two of you?"

Thomas said that his mother had found a note that he had written to Edgar when they were both 16-years old. It wasn't anything bad, it just wasn't the way two boys should feel about each other. Or so his mother thought. But it was how he felt on the day that he wrote it. He handed me the actual letter. 

July 2nd, 1935

Edgar,

I hope that this letter finds you well and in good spirits. It is not the same
without you here my dear friend. I can hardly walk from one end of town 
towards the other, without stopping every few moments at a place that holds
fond memories of us.

I have every intention of keeping my promise to you dear Edgar. To even 
look in another direction is unimaginable to me. I have no reason or desire
to go and find something that I already have. That I have in you. 

August will not be here soon enough. I can hardly sit still over the thought
of your return to me in three more weeks. I can hardly sleep, or eat if you 
can believe that. Three weeks my angel, that's all. Then we'll have forever.

With much love and devotion,

Thomas

Thomas said that one day out of the blue, he was called to the principals office, which wasn't uncommon for him. What was uncommon, was to find his mother sitting in a chair when he got there. He said that his mother was visably shaken but remained quiet until they left the school building.

"I asked mother what was troubling her, but she just kept on walking." Thomas said , and I could tell that whatever was coming was emotional to him.

Tomas asked his mother one more time what was wrong. She open her small purse and handed Tom the note that he had written to Edgar. She told him that she found it doing laundry. Tom said that he told his mother everything. How he and Edgar have been lovers for almost 4 years now.

"Your father must never learn of this. Do you understand Thomas?"

"Why mother?"

"When Edgar returns from camp, You will tell him that I am aware of your relationship, but he must never mention it to anyone who may know your father. Do you understand?"

"No! I do not understand. "

"You must never tell anyone about this note. Promise me son?"

"Yes Maam, but tell me mother. What is so bad about love?"

"You are my son and I love you no matter what, But I am your mother. People will hurt you Thomas. If they learn of the love between you and Edgar, they'll hurt you. Both of you."

"Hear me now mother, hear me well because I'll only say it once. I will never allow anyone to harm Edgar, like my father will never allow anyone to harm you. I'd rather die, and so would my father. So tell why it's permissable for my father to proclaim his love for you, yet I seem to not be permitted to proclaim my love for Edgar."

"We are married Thomas, husband and wife. What you and Edgar are doing is illegal and you can be sent to jail. That will never change Thomas. For the rest of your life, you'll have to hide it. That will never change."

"You shouldn't say that mother. If what you are saying is true, then Edgar and I will have no reason to look for happiness in this life. We can just go and look for it in the next life."

End Part 1 Here - The Foundation