Shadow

In what may have been twenty minutes or so later, Nathan almost fell away from consciousness, when his phone abruptly rang. The sudden, shrill sound caused Nathan’s eyes to pop open and for his head to jerk up from his pillow. He did not recognize the ring tone. When he picked up the phone and read the little monitor, Nathan recognized the number.

Russell.
Nathan’s heart beat so fast and loud that he wondered if Blake and Justin could hear it downstairs. The phone must have chimed five times before Nathan finally clicked the talk button and brought the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
“Nate, it’s me…”
Too many months passed since Nathan last heard that voice. He thought he would be psychologically and emotionally prepared to hear it, but those three words—the way Russell said his name—triggered a rush of conflicting emotions within Nathan that he could not control.
“Russell?” He had to pretend he had not been expecting this call, which to a certain degree was true. Nathan knew Russell would call, just not this early…or rather not so late.
“Yeah…”

The rich sexiness in Russell’s voice still thrived, but Nathan also heard something else in it as well: pain.
“What’s up?” Nathan asked.
“Were you sleep? You kinda sound like you were sleeping.”
“I’m about to…I mean, I’m in bed right now…”
“Oh, ok. My bad. Maybe I should call you tomorrow or something…?
“No!” Nathan replied, a little too excitedly. “You can talk to me right now. What’s up?” Nathan rose into a sitting position.

Russell sighed. “I don’t even know how to say this…” his voice trailed off. Nathan waited in desperate anticipation for Russell to continue.
“Go ahead and tell me, Russell.”
“I probably shouldn’t have called you,” Russell said. “I think this is a bad idea to talk to you of all people about this.”
Nathan’s heart sank.
“Well, Russell, it’s too late now. Just go ahead and tell me.”

After a long pause, Russell answered, “It’s about Drew…”
Russell had never shared the name of his current boyfriend with Nathan before, but Nathan instantly knew that was who he was referring to.
Now it was Nathan’s turn to be silent. “What about him?” he finally asked.
He shuddered, not just because the cold bedroom. His insides, his blood—his spirit felt frozen.
“He’s gone.”
Nathan’s stomach fluttered. “You two broke up?”
“No…that’s not what I meant. I meant to say he disappeared.”

The pain in Russell’s voice reached a harrowing crescendo when he said ‘disappeared’.
“When I came home from work last night, he wasn’t here. He hasn’t been here all today either.”

Nathan listened to all of this, hearing it, but somehow not able to translate those words into actual meanings. “Maybe he just went somewhere and—”
“No,” Russell interrupted. “I talked to him fifteen minutes before I got home. He was here. His stuff is still here. His cell phone is here. His car is still parked in the lot. Everything’s here except for him.”
“Did you call the police?” Nathan asked.
“No.”
“Well don’t you think you should?”

“Police aren’t gonna do shit, Nate. You know that. Besides, I think it’s gotta be twenty-four hours or something first before you can report it.”
“So why are you calling me about this?” Nathan did not want to ask that question, but sooner or later he would have to. “I mean, what do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know…like I said, maybe I shouldn’t have called you. I know I’m probably the last person you wanna hear from.”

“That’s not true. I do wanna hear from you.” The words came out before Nathan had the chance to stop himself. “It’s just that I don’t know what you want me to do about this.”
“It’s stupid, but I just thought you could help me. You know how you know stuff…all that weird shit…? I thought maybe…”
Oh, you mean the ‘weird shit’ you never believed in until your boyfriend vanished? Nathan thought.
“What…help you find him? Russell, I don’t know—”
“Can I see you tomorrow? There’s more I need to tell you about this. But I think it’s better if I tell you in person.”

He wants to see me, Nathan thought.
Talking on the phone with Russell was difficult enough, and now he wanted to talk face to face. “You just can’t tell me right now?” Nathan questioned.
Russell hesitated. “You know what, Nate? Forget it. I shouldn’t be bothering you with this.”

Now Nathan grew angry. “Okay, Russell, don’t fuck around. You already called me. Don’t play games.”
“Fine.You still work at the bank?” Russell asked.
“Yeah...”
“When’s your lunch?”
“Usually one.”
“I’ll drop by then. We can talk more about this.”

Nathan wanted to say ‘I don't think that's going to work for me’, but was unable to. “Okay. That works for me.”
“Okay.”
They were both quiet for what seemed like an hour.
“Guess I’m gonna get off now,” Nathan said.
“Yeah…um, thanks for hearing me out, Nate. It was um, good to hear from you. It’s been a minute.”
“Yeah, it has been…”
More awkward silence.
“Night, Nate.”
“Bye, Russell.”

Nathan clicked off his phone. It took an overwhelming amount of strength to suppress the tears gathering in his eyes. He lay there for a long time, replaying the conversation over and over in his head, still partially in disbelief that he really talked to Russell, wondering if this was one of the most realistic dreams he ever experienced.
Do I really wanna see him tomorrow? Nathan asked himself.

He closed his eyes, trying desperately to shut everything out of his mind, when he heard his bedroom door open. He did not have to open his eyes to know who entered.
Nate, you asleep? Blake’s voice filled Nathan’s head like light filling a shadowy room.
No, not yet, he responded.

Blake closed Nathan’s door and quietly walked over to Nathan’s bed. He sat at the foot of it. You okay?
There would be no point of lying to Blake. He would be able to read Nathan’s emotions anyhow. No, I’m not.
You talked to him, didn’t you?
Nathan did not respond.
What did the dumb-ass have to say?
Not right now, Blake. I just want to go to sleep.
Do you want me to leave?
Nathan considered it. No, I don’t.

Blake stood and Nathan listened as Blake undressed in the dark. His heart thudded with nervous energy as a few moments later, Blake joined Nathan in bed. Almost immediately, the chilliness that had taken over Nathan’s body vanished. In its place, thick, soothing heat enveloped him as Blake scooted close to him, their bodies almost connected. He should have pulled away from Blake, but he did not.
Are you okay now? Blake asked.
I’m better.

Blake lightly kissed the back of Nathan’s neck. It sent pleasurable chills down his spine to his toes.
Good night, Nate.
When Russell said good night to him earlier, it sounded cold and obligatory. But when Blake said it, and maybe because the voice came from inside of Nathan’s head instead of over a phone line, it sounded warm and authentic.
Good night, Blake.

Nathan closed his eyes, finally able to rest now.

Chapter Three : The Complication

Nathan awoke a few minutes after six in the morning, before his alarm went off. Grayish light filtered through the bedroom window. He saw rain droplets on the glass. It was not raining right now, but it had been shortly before. Nathan lay tranquilly in Blake’s arms, a bit surprised that Blake had not gone back to his own bedroom after Nathan fell asleep, as he usually did. Blake’s breath blew softly and warmly against Nathan’s skin. Nathan loved the security of Blake holding him. A big part of him wanted to stay in that same position all day, but he knew he would have to get up soon and get ready for work.

Blake shifted slightly and his hard dick pressed up against Nathan’s ass. Blake shifted again, causing his dick to press up even harder against Nathan’s butt. In turn, Nathan’s cock gradually swelled in his underwear. A week passed since Nathan last masturbated and more than a year since he last had any form of sex.

Many times Nathan imagined what it would be like to have sex with Blake. There had been numerous opportunities in the past to bring those fantasies into fruition, but Nathan always made sure to respect the boundaries between his and Blake’s friendship. While Nathan knew many young, gay male friends liked to have sex with each other every now and again, some without any problems, he made sure that was something he never did with Blake or Justin. He never wanted sex to be the catalyst that would cause the destruction of his friendship with Blake. Still, Nathan often found himself wondering how long he could resist Blake until he finally yielded to him.

Knowing he should not be doing so, but feeling compelled to do so anyway, Nathan reached behind him to touch Blake’s body. His hand came into contact with Blake’s firm, sharply-defined abs. He trailed downward with his fingers, past Blake’s neatly-trimmed pubes, and ultimately arriving at his dick. Nathan squeezed Blake’s cock. It felt hot, thick, and incredibly rigid in his grasp. Blake groaned softly.

Nathan froze. He waited nervously to see if Blake would awake—no, he was still dreaming away, snoring very softly. Nathan carefully turned around so that they faced each other. The pale light coming in from the window illuminated Blake’s nearly flawless face, giving Nathan the chance to admire Blake’s smooth mocha skin hue, his clean-cut square jawbone, and his perfectly formed, full lips. He almost looked even more irresistible asleep than awake.
Suddenly Nathan found himself contemplating what would have happened if he had gotten together with Blake instead of Russell.

Would it be like it is now? Nathan pondered. Me watching him sleep, waking each other up with kisses? Or would it have ended up like it did with Russell, me lying in bed alone, lamenting a relationship that probably shouldn’t have existed in the first place.
Blake opened his eyes.

Nathan snatched his hand away from Blake’s dick, feeling waves of embarrassment crash over him. He wanted to explain himself, although he could not think of anything to say at that point. Blake killed the short distance between their mouths and kissed him. That first kiss was short and simple, but still powerful enough to ignite Nathan’s whole body into a blaze of ecstasy.

Before Nathan truly had the chance to mentally register the situation, Blake was on top of him, pinning Nathan’s smaller and leaner frame with his larger and more ripped body. He covered Nathan’s mouth and neck with kisses, while reaching underneath Nathan’s shirt. Blake’s fingertips skipped along his stomach, to Nathan’s nipples, where he began to tenderly pinch and caress them. Nathan moaned, arching his back, causing his hips to lift a little from the mattress. Blake took that as an opportunity to snatch off Nathan’s underwear briefs, releasing his fully hard dick.

This is a dream, Nathan thought. I’m still asleep.
Blake shook his head, smiling. His teeth gleamed beautifully. “No, you’re not.”

He kissed Nathan again, much longer and rougher this time. Nathan grabbed the back of Blake’s head, pushing him down so that their lips became inseparable. Their tongues slid in and out of each other’s mouths gracefully. Everything in the room—in the world—seemed to evaporate.

Breaking their kiss, Blake used his tongue to travel down Nathan’s body, licking in slow circles around Nathan’s nipples, making him scream silently and squirm around as if he were being electrocuted. Blake kept moving downward, stopping briefly to kiss and lick Nathan’s navel for a few moments before heading to his destination. In one motion, Blake slipped his warm, moist lips over Nathan’s cock and swallowed it whole. Nathan’s toes popped and every nerve in his body sizzled with unexpected satisfaction. Blake went on for a little while before flipping Nathan over onto his stomach and diving face first into his ass.

Up until that point, Nathan had not made any loud noise, but when Blake’s tongue slid across his asshole, he released a surprised, piercing cry that could most likely be heard all throughout their two-story home. He bit the pillow as Blake proceeded to vigorously rim him, prying Nathan’s ass apart with his strong hands, entering him with his skilled tongue. Nathan wanted it to stop, but he also wanted it to continue. It had been too long since he felt this sensation. Although he feared the consequences that would come afterwards, he wanted to enjoy it for now.

“You okay?” Blake asked, taking a short break.
Nathan savored the warmth of Blake’s breath on the arch of his back and he did not know what to say. He did not know if he could even talk. Only when Blake began to push his finger inside of him and the unexpected pain hit him that Nathan knew he had to say something.
“Blake…we can’t do this.”
Initially, Blake did not pay any attention to him. He persisted in his effort to enter Nathan with his finger, although Nathan refused to allow access. Finally he got the message.
“What’s wrong?”

Nathan twisted around so that they faced each other. He saw the flagrant lust in Blake’s eyes.
“You know what’s wrong,” Nathan whispered.
Blake stared at him, his brown eyes shooting through Nathan’s mind. He felt Blake moving around in his head.
It’s okay, Nathan heard Blake say.
Nathan shook his head. “No, it’s not. We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Why not?” Blake asked.

There was a rough edge to his voice that slightly bothered Nathan.
“I gotta get ready for work.”
Blake kissed Nathan, whose whole body started to melt. His big dick throbbed almost wildly against Nathan’s stomach. Nathan ran his hands up and down the firm, tight muscles of Blake’s back, down to his hard, tight ass, trying to lose himself in the moment, but always forced back into reality.
“I’m serious, Blake.”
“So am I.”

He tried to kiss Nathan again, but this time Nathan did a better job of avoiding him.
“Blake, you know this isn’t right.”
“Isn’t right?” Blake replied, perplexed. He rolled off of Nathan and onto the opposite side of the bed. “What do you mean, ‘isn’t right’?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Blake, don’t act stupid.”
“How am I acting stupid?”

Nathan sighed and searched for his underwear amongst the tangle of blankets and sheets. When he found them, along with his shirt, he hurriedly put them on, thankful for the security of not being naked any longer in front of Blake. For Blake though, modesty was not an issue. He remained on Nathan’s bed, using one hand to rub his own chest and the other to jerk himself off.
“Come on, Blake. I have to get ready for work.”
“You don’t gotta be there until another two hours.”
“I wanna get there early.”

The sharpness in Nathan’s voice must have finally indicated to Blake the severity of his opinion about this. Blake scowled and hopped out of bed, not bothering to hide the irritation on his face as he dressed in his clothes from the night before. Nathan wanted to say something, to ease some of the tension between them, but he could not find anything to say, other than:
“Don’t be mad at me,” just as Blake headed out the door.
“I’m not mad,” Blake replied in a less than amiable voice. “Just sorry I wasted my time.

Nathan’s throat constricted, his heart clinched, but he did not have a retort. He let Blake walk out his bedroom, feeling an overwhelming sense of regret and loneliness as the door slammed shut and the rain returned, full-force, hitting the window like a spray of bullets.

* * *

Blake sat at the kitchen table, staring down at a bowl of soggy cereal, not sure if he had the appetite to take another spoonful. His stomach quivered with nausea and his mind swarmed with images of Nathan’s naked body. Underneath the flavor of Cheerios and milk, Blake still tasted the sweet tanginess of Nathan’s skin in his mouth. His dick twitched a little in his shorts with the memory. However, the memory of Nathan dismissing him, mostly nullified any positive thoughts he had about the brief experience.
You know this isn’t right, Nathan had said to him. The words echoed over and over in Blake’s head. Blake lay in his own bed, after leaving Nathan’s room, rewinding the scene over and over in his mental eye.

Nathan had knocked on Blake’s door shortly after. Blake knew Nathan wanted to apologize. He wanted to make things right before leaving for work. Even though Blake knew this, he did not want to see or talk to him. Perhaps later on, they would talk about it, but not right then. Still, as Nathan left for work, he sent a telepathic message to Blake, one that Blake could not ignore even if he wanted to: I’m sorry Blake. You didn’t waste your time.

Blake finished playing around with his cereal, ready to dispose it, when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Justin jogged into the kitchen, dressed in a loose-fitting tank top, displaying his nicely toned arms and shoulders, as well as a pair very snug- fitting white underwear briefs that showed his sculpted legs and round ass. Justin’s thick black hair was unkempt, like he had just awakened. He sat across from Blake, grinning.

“What are you smiling about?” Blake asked petulantly.
“You know what I’m smiling about, Blake. Don’t act dumb.”
Blake swirled his spoon in the watery milk. “Not really.”
“Yeah, you do. You and Nate. How’d the butt sex go?”
Blake glanced up at Justin. “You heard us?”
“Man, I think the whole block heard you two…possibly all of Alameda and parts of Oakland.”

Images of his brief, intimate moments with Nathan floated into Blake’s mind, but he fought them back.
“I don’t really wanna talk about it, Justin.” Blake put his spoon beside his bowl and rubbed his eyes with his fingers.
“Oh, it was that bad, huh?” Justin asked, the excitement slowly slipping from his cute face. “Nate couldn’t take it?”
“More like he didn't want it,” Blake said. “Guess I came on too strong and he got scared.” The spoon started to tremble slightly.
Justin looked sympathetic.

“I’m tired of being his damn teddy bear,” Blake complained. “He likes it when I sleep in his bed. He knows how I feel, and then when I do something about it, he throws that ‘Let’s just be friends’ shit in my face.”
“Well, don’t blame yourself,” Justin said. “You know how complicated Nate is. He’s attracted to you, but he doesn’t want you to be Russell part two.”
“I’m nothing like that dumb fuck,” Blake exclaimed. “And Nate knows I would never do him dirty like that.”

“What your mind knows and what your heart knows are two different things,” Justin said. “It’s different with you, Blake. Nate only knew Russell for a couple of years. He’s known you for like, a third of his life. If you two were to get into a relationship and shit went bad, take the depression he went through with Russell and times it by ten. Except this time he wouldn’t have a best friend to fall back on.”

Justin made a lot of sense, but Blake still did not want to listen.
“Blake, if it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen. He does want you.”
“Not enough. Not more than Russell.” That name felt like acid on Blake’s tongue.
“They haven’t been together in a year,” Justin argued. “It’s not like they’re gonna get back together—”
“They talked last night,” Blake interrupted.

Justin appeared confounded. “How do you know that?”
“Last night Nate got a flash about it. That’s what we were talking about in the bathroom. I told Nate not to talk to him, but he didn’t wanna listen.”
“But that doesn’t mean—”

The spoon launched upward off the table like a rocket. It hit the ceiling and stayed there in place. Justin looked at Blake, whose fists were tightly clenched. The veins in his arms nearly protruded from his skin. Blake seemed ready to explode at any second. Justin switched his attention to the spoon and mentally willed it back down to the table slowly. It made a soft clinking sound as it hit the table.
“You need to calm down, Blake…before you really fuck something up in here.”
“I’m just pissed right now.”

“I know you are. But overreacting is not gonna fix the problem.”
“Then what the fuck will then?” Blake’s bowl slid quickly to the left, almost off the table, but he caught it before it slipped over the edge.
“When Nate comes home, just talk about it,” Justin advised. “Calmly.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t really want to talk to him and he probably doesn’t wanna talk to me about it either. Fuck! Shit’s gonna be hella complicated now between us.”
“Uh, things have always been complicated with you two,” Justin said.
“Yeah, but having sex with one of your best friends changes shit whether you want it to or not.”

“Well, beating yourself up about it isn’t gonna make things better,” Justin said. He rose from his chair and began to walk out of the kitchen. Blake had to refrain himself from looking at Justin’s perfect bubble butt, shrouded by his underwear. “I’m going back to bed,” Justin continued. “Don’t gotta be at work for like another four hours. You’re gonna give me a ride, right?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Blake muttered.

Justin headed back upstairs to his room. Blake waited until he heard Justin’s door close before he got up from his seat and walked over to the sink. He looked out the rain-stained window into the small, cluttered backyard and wondered if things would ever be the same again between him and Nathan, although he already knew the answer would be no.