Tangled - Part Five

*** SEVEN : THE BIKER AND LEE.

The next two weeks were a nightmare. It was the longest, most miserable time of my life. I was deeply in love with him and it was wrenching me apart. I looked pallid and drawn and I developed dark circles under my eyes. I had no appetite and I tossed and turned in my bed at night. I had no idea how much longer I could go on in this state.

During that time, I managed to get through the days at work like a robot, but the nights were really bad. I sat at home, too depressed to do anything. A couple of times, I left the apartment late at night with little concern for my safety, and took long walks to tire myself out, but it didn't help. I still slept badly, and awoke in the morning in as worse a state than ever. Danny felt helpless because he didn't understand what was wrong with me, so he had no idea of what he could do to help me. Although we'd shared many things, even our deepest darkest secrets, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth.

A song by Gary James, played itself over and over in my mind. It expressed exactly what I felt and what I was going through.

"You don't lie awake at night like I do,
'Cause you don't feel the way I do about you.
You don't know how much this whole thing hurts me,

'Cause you don't cry,
'Cause you don't need me now,
'Cause you don't want me now.
You don't want me,
'Cause you don't love me,
That's what kills me.”

One night was quite different, however, and I was able to leave the heartache behind for a couple of hours. I'd walked around the block a few times and as it was almost two in the morning, I had decided to go home when a guy on a motorcycle rode past me. He stopped at the top of the road and looked back at me. I put my head down and slowed my pace. He turned his bike around and slowly rode back to me. I stopped, unsure of what to do.

There had been several homophobic incidents in our area and although I can handle myself pretty well, I began to feel a little afraid. He pulled up next to me and I was able to get a good look at him by the light of the street lamp. His motorcycle was all black and chrome apart from the red flames sprayed onto the sides of the petrol tank. He was well built and tall, wearing a black leather jacket and black leather pants.

He had on black leather riding gloves and was wearing a full face helmet with a tinted visor. His helmet, like his bike, was black with red flames painted on the sides. I couldn't make out his face behind the dark visor at all. I stood still, unsure of whether to run or not.

"Hi!" He said, his voice low and muffled by the visor.
"Hi!" I said. “Um . . you're not going to . . ?" I left the question hanging.
“Don’t worry, I'm gay so I’m not going to hurt you if that's what you're thinking!" He chuckled deeply, the sound of his voice low and hollow because of the helmet.
"Can't sleep?” He asked and I shook my head. “Neither can I.”

It crossed my mind that it seemed a little rude that he didn't show his face, then I dismissed it. He looked around the deserted street and then turned back to me.
“This might seem a little odd right now seeing how late it is, but would you like to go for a ride?" He asked, his voice husky and deep. Now I was almost sure that this was beginning to look like a pick up. I hesitated and then almost as if he knew what I was thinking, he said.
"Just a ride, nothing else, I promise. I know it's late but I'd just like a bit of company, that's all.” He paused. “Just a short ride, I give you my word."

He sounded very sincere so I thought 'What the hell, why not?' and as I had nothing better to do than to go to bed and toss and turn, and I was sure that if this encounter turned out bad, the pain he might inflict would never come close to the pain I'd been going through, so I jumped on the back of the bike behind him. He reached back, grabbed my arms and pulled them around his waist
"Hold on tight!" He said softly and gunned the engine and pulled off.

It was exhilarating. He took us out on the main beach road and let the bike go. I clung to him, my arms tightly wound around his waist, my head resting against his broad, warm shoulder. He smelled of aftershave and leather and of solid man.
I lost myself in that ride along the highway. It felt so good to hold onto someone. I forgot my pain and heartache and I began to feel a little human again.

He stopped at North Beach and we dismounted.
"Come!" He said quietly and he took my hand and led me down onto the sand.
This is the part where I may have to run or fight, I thought, but he sat down and pulled me down next to him.
"Look!" He said gruffly and pointed out to sea.

The moon had half set over the ocean in a blaze of silver and blue light. It was large and bloated and a silvery path of moonlight glittered on the water. It was spectacular. We sat next to each-other in silence for a while, and then he draped his arm about my shoulders and pulled me close.
"Do you mind? It's a little chilly!" He whispered. This is it, I thought, now is when he comes on to me. ‘Just a ride, nothing else;’ he’d said. Yeah, right!
"No, it's okay!" I said. "Cozy!"

We sat close together in silence, and I wished desperately that it was Lee holding me. But I had to content myself with pretending it was him, for I knew that Lee would never hold me like this, ever. It was so peaceful and pleasant, sitting next to him, his arm about me. I suddenly had this profound feeling that he needed this short respite as much as I did and I realized that he had no intention of pushing things further, so I relaxed against him and enjoyed the view and the warmth of his hard body next to mine. We watched the play of silver light on the ocean as the moon slowly sank below the horizon. Soon there was a tiny sliver of it showing above the sea. The biker lifted his hand again and pointed.

"Watch carefully." He said softly. I watched the last bit of the moon slip below the dark sea and as it disappeared, for a split second, the sea flashed a brilliant green. I gasped. It was stunningly beautiful.
"What was that?" I asked him breathlessly.
"Fluorescence in the water. It flashes briefly as the light disappears." He said in a low voice. "We were lucky, it doesn't happen often."

We sat in silence for a moment and then he spoke in a soft, hollow voice. I thought I heard it break slightly but I put it down to my imagination and the muffling effects of the helmet, which for some odd reason he was still wearing. Stranger still, his helmet didn't seem to bother me at all. I guess because it made him seem more mysterious and exciting.

"Take me to the sea when the moon above is bright.
We will sit and speak of love and hate, life and death.
And when at last the moon has dimmed its silver light,
And as the stars appear above, I will sigh and draw my breath.

And when the bright flash of green skips across the cold, dark sea,
I will tell you of my love and of all the things you are to me.

And like the sea and sand, the moon and sky, we shall never be apart.
For you, my love, will forever possess my body, my soul and my heart.
John Stevens, 1969."

There was a pause while I digested this.
"That is very beautiful!" I whispered at last.
We sat in silence a while longer and the Gary James song ran through my head again.

"You don't cry,
'Cause you don't need me now,
You don't want me now.
You don't want me,
You don't love me,
That's what kills me."

The waves lapped gently on the sand and above us, the stars shone brightly.
"I know that song, very well." The biker said softly.
"Sorry, I didn't realize that I'd spoken out loud." I said.
"It's a good song." He said.
“Eyes!” I whispered.
“What was that?” He asked softly.
“The green flash.” I said. “It reminded me of someone, the man I . . um . . a man I know. He has eyes that color.”

We sat in silence a little longer and then he stirred against me.
“This green eyed man.” He whispered. “Is he a . . special friend?”
“No!” I said with a sigh. “I would really like him to be but I don't think he likes me very much. In fact, I don’t think he likes me at all. He's just an acquaintance, a very distant acquaintance.”
"I have to take you back now!" He said suddenly, his voice gruff and oddly hard.

He drove me back to where he'd picked me up. He stopped the bike and turned it off but I was reluctant to let him go and dismount. I sat behind him, my arms still tightly wrapped around his waist, my body pressed up against his and my head resting on his shoulder. It felt wonderful to be able to hold someone, to feel the warmth of a hard body against mine and I didn't want it to end. The thought of going back to my empty apartment scared me because I knew that I would be in for another long sleepless night. He sat still for a few moments, almost as if he was also enjoying the close contact of our bodies as much as I was.

Then he stirred and said gruffly. "We're here!"
I continued to sit behind him, lost in his warmth and closeness.
“We're here, David.” He repeated after a few moments. “You can let go now.”

I apologized and got off the bike. In my confusion and haste to dismount, I missed the fact that he knew my name.
"Thanks for the ride, and the poem!" I said. "And thanks for showing me that amazing thing. You have no idea how much I needed that!"
"Thank you for the company." He said softly.
"Will I see you again?" I asked.
"No, I don't think so!" He said.
"At least tell me your name!" I said. He started his motorbike.
"Good-night!" He said quickly, gunned the bike and took off.

I stood and watched him go and thought about how odd yet friendly the whole incident had seemed.

Two nights later, I was getting ready for bed when I heard the rumble of a motorbike down in the street. I looked out the window and there, parked under a street lamp, his motorbike idling, was the biker. I quickly threw on jeans and a shirt and tore out of the apartment barefoot, but when I reached the street, he was gone. For some inexplicable reason, I felt terribly disappointed. I did wonder briefly how he happened to know where I lived. Then I put it down to pure coincidence, he probably knew someone else who happened to live in the same street as me.

In the days and nights that followed I looked out for him and although I thought I heard the sound of his motorcycle a few times, I never saw him again.
I did however, see Lee several times, each time more distressing to me than the last.

The first time was on the Monday night of the second week. I was taking a long walk again very late into the evening when it suddenly started to rain really hard. I had walked quite a distance from home and knew that I would be soaked in minutes so I took shelter under the awning of a small shop. I stood in the semi-dark and watched the rainwater run down the street and into the storm drain.

I had been there for only about three or four minutes when someone else came running up the sidewalk and dashed under the awning. I glanced up and to my horror, I recognized Lee immediately. This was the first time I'd seen him since my disastrous confession at the bus stop. I shrank back further into the shadow of the doorway and turned my face away from him. I had no inclination to confront him at this time. I held my breath and tried desperately to be invisible.

“Wow!” He remarked offhandedly. “That was sudden!”
I ignored him. I heard him shuffle closer and then his sharp intake of breath. He moved in front of me.
“David!” He whispered. “What are you doing here?”
“Having coffee!” I replied tartly. “What do you think?”
“Don’t be facetious.” He said. I shrugged and he stared at me for a few moments, his green eyes dark under his brows. I looked away and shrank back against the door.

We stood together, but so far apart under the awning for another five minutes or so until I couldn’t bear it anymore. I made a move to leave, but he reached out and stopped me with a hand on my arm. I froze. Even through my clothing, his touch was electric.
“Don't leave.” He whispered.
Hope flooded my body. Maybe, just maybe he would . . !
“You were here first.” He said. “I'll go.”

With that, he turned and ran off into the rain. I stood there, numb and then sank to my knees and the tears flowed. I loved him so much and he didn't want me. Being so close to him for that brief time had been almost unbearable. Later, when I had cried myself out, I stood up and slowly walked home, oblivious to the pouring rain.

I met up with him again only two days later. I had finished work and locked up for the day and quickly dashed to the supermarket to pick up a few things. As I pushed a small trolley around, I thought about what I could get for dinner. I stopped at the delicatessen and looked over the wide array of cold meats. I decided on some rather good ham and ordered it from the girl behind the counter. As I waited, I glanced around the shop. Then I saw him.

He was near the end of the aisle, reading the back of a box of something. He hadn't seen me so I quickly turned my back to him and willed the girl to be quick about getting my ham. She brought it to me and I hurriedly took it, tossed it into the trolley and dashed up the aisle away from Lee. As I rushed around the corner into the next aisle, I risked a glance over my shoulder but he had disappeared. I swung around the end of the aisle with my trolley and ran straight into him. He jumped back in surprise.

“What the . . !” He started and then stopped when he saw that it was me.
“Sorry!” I said quickly under my breath and tried to push past him. He grabbed my wrist and stopped me. His grip was steely and the heat of his hand made my entire body tingle. I stopped dead.
“David, wait!” He said. “We can't go on avoiding each-other forever.”
“Funny!” I said shakily. “Considering it was you who wanted to get away from me, who couldn't even bear to look at me!”

He stared at me, his eyes dark under his arched brows. I looked down at his hand on my wrist.
“Could you please let me go?” I asked softly and looked up into his wonderful eyes. “Please?”

He glared at me for a moment, let my arm go and then stepped aside.
“Right!” He said under his breath. I held his eyes, willing him to say something further. Something that would give me hope. His green eyes bored into mine and then he turned and walked off. He stopped a little way up the aisle and turned to face me again.
“Let me just say that I never asked for this.” He said. “And you should never have told me that you . . uh . . what you told me that night at the bus-stop.”

I stared at him.
“That I'm in love with you? You can say it you know, I really don't mind.” I smiled wanly. “I never asked for it either, it just happened, I never saw it coming and I can't deny what I know in my heart to be true!”
He moved closer to me.

“I'm sorry.” He said, his eyes unreadable. “But I can't . . !” He stopped and looked away for a moment. Then he looked back at me, his eyes dark.
“Can't we just be friends?” he whispered.

I shook my head and to my horror, a tear ran down my cheek.

“You know that's impossible. I couldn't bear it.” I whispered. “Would you want that if you were me?”
“No.” He replied after a moment’s thought. “You're right, I wouldn't want that.”
“Now maybe you can understand.” I said. “It would kill me to be near you, yet so distant from you.”
“David!” He said softly and looked away again. “I'm sorry!”
“Don't be. It's my fault entirely, not yours.” I said with a small sad smile. “I should never have allowed it to happen, but you see, love can be unpredictable, unfathomable and unexpected and trust me, it was totally unexpected!”

I stared at him candidly, willing him to say something that would give me hope.
He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to avoid looking into my pained face.
“I'm sorry, but I can't get involved right now. Especially with someone like you.” He said softly.

Then he looked at me again briefly, turned and walked away.

I watched him as he disappeared around the end of the aisle. I felt numb and emotionally drained. I left the trolley where it was and walked out of the shop. The thought of having to go through the checkout with tears streaming down my face was unbearable. As I went through the doors, I glanced back at Lee who was at the checkout counter. His eyes met mine briefly but then he quickly looked away.

I stood outside on the pavement, disorientated and lost. Just then, Lee came out of the shop and walked up to me carrying a paper bag of groceries. He stopped, looked at me and shook his head sadly.
“I really am sorry!” He whispered. “It's nothing personal. I . . like you, I really do, but I can't allow myself to . . !” He stopped.

I couldn’t say anything. What was there to say, anyway?
“It’s not you . . !” He tried again. “It’s me!”

He stared at me for a brief moment. I could only stare back in silence .
“Goodbye David!” He said and then he walked away. I knew then that I would never see him again.
“Goodbye!” I finally managed to whisper but he was too far off to hear it.