The Road to Happiness - Chapter 1

Hello, this is Arthur once again. I am here with another fictional story from me. If anything like this has happened to you in real life, this is pure coincidence.

Chapter 1 : Loving someone doesn't mean to be loved

My name is Alex, I am 19 years old and right now big raindrops are hitting my face as we speak as I am lying there, on ground. I can’t feel anything – my body is both limp and numb, there is no pain, no strain, nothing at all in my body. Only thing seems to work was my mind as thoughts race through it without stopping. These are my last minutes, I can feel it. Only thing I physically can feel is the taste of blood in my mouth; the only thing indicating I was not dead, yet. It is true as they say – you see flashbacks right before your death. Broken, numb just waiting in this raining night for eternal sleep..

How did it come to this you ask? If I ever had known it is coming to this, I would have made this month different and maybe I’d be well, in my bed. But it is too late and you can’t change the past.

Yes, it all started month ago. I had spent my first month in college. Time had passed but I was still settling in. College is the first huge step towards future after High School years and best should be made out of college years. This story is not about education, no. It is about me and my biggest mistake – falling in love with Stephen.

I knew I was gay for a long time. It all started in my school years, grade 8. I was dumb back then and had read some teenage books that it’s just normal and it’s just teenager years of confusion. I believed them but, boy, was I wrong! Years passed and I still was attracted to boys. I was shy as hell and could not get in shower after gym with other boy because I would get an instant hard on. There were some hot guys in my class so it was hard to stay soft. My hormones were raging in my body, roaring for sex but I had to learn control it, otherwise I wouldn’t survive. And I learned.

Returning closer to future – I graduated with pretty decent grades and very good exam results, so I was able to get in college my classmate and best friend John sent the application in. He had always been my friend as far as I remember. We had grown up together in school, starting from 1st grade till now - inseparable friends. He was attractive too but our friendship was fear I didn’t overcome to come open about my true thoughts about boys. What if he hated me afterwards? What if I was going to be just a ‘faggot’ in his eyes and spit-in-the-face worthy crap? Our friendship meant to me so much.

I had already noticed Stephen in first days here. He was 21 years old, had brown, short hair, dashing smile, pale eyes and he was about the same height I was - 5’7’’. He was in his third year at college and somewhat popular. I guess if you are part of college’s soccer team and you win games you are popular. Every girl particularly was ready to faint for the soccer team boys. I was ready to faint for Stephen. He was my crush and I just couldn’t help it. I was always watching him from afar, never near the crowd, which just buzzed around those guys like bees, cheering for them, listening to their stories about their scored goals and wishing them luck to upcoming games.

Whenever I could get time, I went to watch his practices along with the buzzing fan club of theirs but I always would be seating seats away from them as they would not stop buzzing; discussing strong sides of team, their strategies and teamwork. Soon I learned Stephen was sort of second best player on this team. I didn’t care though. He was perfect in my eyes, in every way but I thought he would never know because I was not one of those guys with courage to say what I feel. I would get scared like scared dog when it puts tail between its legs and just runs or hides. I was perfectly cozy in my spot watching him.

That practice evening started off as usual – team went to field to start their warm up for the practice. Soon after the ‘buzz team’ followed chatting as always. I was amongst them, just nodding or trying to get in right spots with small words of agreement caring less for their predicament of result in upcoming game. I just wanted to see Stephen, that’s all. As always, I safely got to the spectator seats with the rest of people and as always sat in my usual place, darting my eyesight across the field following Stephen and every movement he did for the team.

Suddenly, I heard a voice. It was shouting, apparently at my direction.
- ‘WATCH OUT!’ It shouted. Straight toward to my face was flying a soccer ball. I instinctively covered my face with my arms, palms in front of me, facing the bullet-ball. I felt it hitting my palms really hard, making my palms swell from pain but I never heard it falling down on ground and hitting concrete under the stadium seats.

- ‘Are you okay?’ Voice was near, somewhat worried. I had shut my eyes tightly; my whole body was strained so badly I could feel my very muscle clenched. I remember I was in shock condition and couldn’t move. Not every day you get a soccer ball flying directly in your face.
- ‘You can let go of ball now, you know. Besides, we still need it to finish the practice.’ Voice continued. After that, I could hear a low chuckle coming right from it.

When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t help myself but gasp. My heartbeat rate quickly picked up the pace as I saw Stephen towering over my seat. I got the weirdest feeling in my body, as if my own blood was starting to boil – my body’s temperature increased. I begged to myself my cheeks in this dim light from stadium lights at this evening hour could not illuminate my face which was slowly flushing red.
- ‘Hey, now really? Could I and my teammates get the ball back please? ’ Stephen asked. I finally looked at my palms. My fingers somehow had managed to clench around the soccer ball from the shock. I gave him the ball back and was ready to get up and head back to dorms to lay down. I was not in condition to talk to Stephen, not after he had surprised me like that.

- ‘Nice catch, by the way.’ He complimented me when I gave him the ball back.
- ‘M-more like a lucky catch.’ I staggered the words out of my mouth. I wasn’t feeling so well right now. Being so close to Stephen was not good for me. I was feeling really horny as some images instantly ran through my mind, with Stephen and me as the main characters in them. I seriously needed to get away.

- ‘Hey, are you feeling okay?’ He asked. So he HAD noticed my face after all. This just made me more anxious and willing to find my way back to my room and crawl under the covers to sleep off this crazy urge to grab Stephen and pull him as close as I can and kiss him on his delicious-looking lips. Yeah, I was that close to just grab him as I did not care about anyone else in this stadium.
- ‘Yes- I mean- No, I am not. I need to… lay down, yeah, feeling nausea from shock.’ I struggled to look for words. I told him only half a lie. I needed to lay down, right now badly but the reason was different. He didn’t make it easy.

Then, I swear I could see a smile flashing across his face as I rushed away as fast as I could. Maybe it was me just seeing things, imagining details I wanted to be real. I wanted him, close to me, his arms around me, embracing me gently and lovingly. I shook my head as I started to run as soon as I was out of stadium. Not a single time I looked back to see if anyone is following me. I didn’t care. And also, too weak to express my feelings, as the usual question kicked in: ‘What if I am told off?’ After all, he was ladies man, the one, who easily got any girl in college he wanted for himself. A day did not go by without a gossip who had overslept with whom last night and so on. I didn’t care. At least, I tried to not care. I tried to evade gossips overall but hardly possible, since you have to go through hallways to get to lectures.

Following morning I woke up with my boxers drenched in cum. I sighed and jumped quick morning shower before eating some breakfast and attending that day’s lectures. I had dreamt about Stephen that much I remember but what exactly had slipped my mind as soon as I woke up. I felt better after a good night’s sleep and could think clearly. Morning had started of calm, full of lectures of course but that was part of daily basis in college. I was on my way to English lecture when..
- ‘Hey.’ Familiar voice greeted me from behind. I was busy with thoughts of English test so my mind was distracted enough to be able reply Stephen.
- ‘Oh, hello.’ I replied, playing innocently. After all, this was only our second conversation. We had never talked before, so it was fine to give him formal greeting. Yes, I knew stuff about him but that didn’t make me his friend, nor he knew me.
- ‘I see you feel better today.’ He continued. Of course he was going to ask me about yesterday. Why else he even would talk to me? He felt guilty for his team and the ball. It was an accident after all, or so I thought.
- ‘Yeah, I do. Sleep helped.’ I replied. I had to get to lecture, so I wanted to finish this conversation before it even started. I regretted I had to but I couldn’t help it. Test was important, too much important than this conversation.

- ‘Listen, uh, I am kinda in a hurry, just wanted to say hi. Oh, hey, want to come over for party tonight? Friday night and all.’ Stephen said.
- ‘Uhmm….’ I managed to put out. I was considering. Come on, his place! I’d b able to see where Stephen lives. I still couldn’t believe he was inviting me over to his place, for a party. But I was not going to say no.
- ‘Yeah, sure.’ I finally finished.
- ‘Okay, great! See you at 8 pm. Oh, and, here are the directions.’ He told me and gave me a piece of paper with address on it. He was one of those lucky people who could have their own place to live in for college.

The rest of the day was long and tiresome. I couldn’t wait for the party. I was not usually so hyper about the parties but this was special occasion, for me. I tried to block my thoughts about the party at Stephen’s place while on lectures but the more I tried, the more I kept thinking about it, running through possible scenarios how the ending would go. That made lectures twice was boring and twice as long as they usually were. I devoted myself to content of lesson or lecture if I was anxious for something, to keep myself busy and keep away unnecessary thoughts for a day. This time, it didn’t help.

I finally fell on my dorm bed after what seemed ages and gave out a sigh. It was only 5 pm and rest of 3 hours would be twice as hell as that day already was. John was soundless asleep in his bed. Yeah, we shared the same room, as best friends always do if they are doing something together. He had fallen ill a bit so he skipped today’s lectures and decided to get well and not distribute his illness further. I offered him to get some medicine the previous day but he just told he had it already handled. He could take care of himself perfectly, apart from me. There were still few flaws in me I couldn’t handle myself, so I tried to learn from him and from my parents as much as I could.

All what was left to do was do some course work before the party to keep the time running but there was nothing much to do since it was basically test day so I was done in one hour. Other another hour was spent on laptop, chatting with some friends online. I usually knew what to do but with Stephen’s invite to his private party just threw me off the balance. It felt like things are going to change.

Hour was left and from what I managed to get out of directions Stephen gave me, half an hour was supposed to be spent on foot to get to his place from university. I had quick legs so that reduced my path for about five minutes. I still had time before I had to take off to his party so I decided to jump quick shower. The more time passed, the more nervous I got until it built to level I even doubted I should be even going to that party. I had never imagined I would end up at Stephen’s place at all. If I had feelings for someone, I usually let it pass after a while, just trying to bear with it but Stephen was about to make it harder for me; just being near him made me all nervous.

After good 20 minutes I stepped out of shower and started rummaging through closet to look my favorite clothes. I was at least going to make myself feel comfortable with my favorite pieces on me – white t-shirt with writing on it, checked, blue-like shirt with drawing of wolf on back, blue jeans and black socks. I was ready – maybe not mentally but outfit was on and I had to go. I made a promise I would be there.

I remember thoughts kept running in and out of my head while I was on my way. I was thinking of so many things at time I didn’t even notice how quickly the time had passed and I was already in neighborhood. I could hear loud music coming from direction what happened to be exact direction I had to head for next. Loud beat was reaching my ears as I went closer and closer to his place. Cars were parked outside and not quite of the low level cars. Whoever Stephen was friends with; they were not poor, that much I could make out from the expensive cars lining up in two rows – in front of his place and directly across the street.

Doors were open. There were people talking outside, chatting and probably even flirting. It appears party had started earlier than I thought. I was okay with it though. Loud music blocked out the voices and I could fell at least little bit relaxed. I put my palms in my jean’s pockets, though. I was still quite nervous – I did see some familiar faces from the college, some even from first year like me, some from my major I had chosen and some older year people I had met and made friends with. I gave some greetings back as their greeted, some I didn’t even bother or maybe even missed. I couldn’t see Stephen outside, so he probably was somewhere inside.

As I stepped in the house, music got even louder as the source of this music appeared to be inside the house. Next greetings I had to shout out really loud, if I wanted to be heard. This made me relaxed even more as I got the chance to shout out any unnecessary feelings out loud without making sense of them. I felt already better and I could smile. I could smile freely without wondering if anyone is looking at me. I was here because Stephen invited me. I was here, because he wanted me to be here for some reason.

At that moment it struck me. I ceased my movement at once as I realized something – this was not just an invite to a party. There had to be something more to this than it meets the eye. It couldn’t be just an apology for that ball. Or maybe the ball itself wasn’t coincidence. I started to doubt everything at that moment and felt dizzy. Somewhat the feeling was as if I was going to hurl, right here, right now. And then, I fell – I fainted. Before I passed out I felt hit something halfway. Something or caught me, or maybe someone.

- ‘Hey, Hey!’ I heard a distant voice calling for me and something nudging me. I opened my eyes but sight was disoriented and all I could make out was a shape of a face but slowly it got clearer. It was Stephen, leaning over me and trying to get me conscious.
- ‘What… happened?’ I asked, confused, still disoriented. My head still was spinning a bit and thinking was not possible. I barely could put together two words.
- ‘You passed out. Luckily I caught you. If I hadn’t, you would’ve hit the corner of table behind you.’ Stephen explained. I listened and waited. Waited for my head to stop spinning, waiting silently for my memory come back what had happened before the fall. Wherever I was, it was not the same place I was before I passed out. I remembered large room with so many people in it and loud music. Slowly, it came back to me.
- ‘Wait, am I even still at your place?’ I asked. He nodded. I threw a quick gaze around the place. From looks it was-

A thump. My heart skipped a beat. The next one was loud. I could hear it, I could feel it hitting against my chest. It picked up the pace. I could feel its rhythm increase faster and faster. Just from thought alone I was in Stephen’s bedroom made my heart pump blood in my body faster. I flushed red and there was no way I could escape Stephen’s gaze. He definitely saw my face going red but I was glad he didn’t say or ask anything. In fact – his own face gained a bit of red in his cheeks.
- ‘Listen, Alex..’ Stephen, said, silently. I looked at his face, surprised – he knew my name and I had no clue how.
- ‘How do you-’ I wanted to ask but I was stopped. My eyes went wide and body limp. For first two heartbeats I thought I was imagining things. For next three heartbeats I thought I was back at my dorm bed, tightly asleep and seeing another dream of Stephen and me. For last four heartbeats I finally raised my own hands and wrapped around his body and shut my eyes as I willingly replied his lips with the same soft kiss he started to taste my lips. That was not a dream. That was reality and I had never imagined this could become true. I could feel my heart flutter from each kiss in which our lips met.

- ‘I have known Alex, for quite time now.’ Stephen said after we broke our kissing. He looked in my eyes and I gazed back into his, unable to help myself. I was put under a spell, spell of a dream-come-true. I just smiled. I couldn’t help but only smile at his words. It didn’t matter what gave it away. It didn’t matter what made him see but he saw and that mattered deeply for me. I was happy for that. That night we kissed so much. That night we did gentle touches to each other, exploring each other’s bodies, caressing every part.

Past two weeks were dream come true. Throughout day we both went separate ways as we had our own lectures, our own friends, our own things to do. Evenings were to ourselves as I always stopped by his place and we talked, we kissed, we went on dates. We didn’t have sex. I thought because he wasn’t ready because I was more than willing to surrender my body to him. There was something in the kisses. Something I could not wrap quite finger around. They were gentle but at the same time unsafe, as if it was not complete. It missed something and it felt mechanic. It something centrally missed, something I should’ve taken in count when I received that phone call from Stephen tonight – love.

I was in my dorm room, reading book for assignment we were asked to do. John was out, hanging out with some people. It was still time before we had to hand it in but I liked to do it slowly, without any pace. I wanted it to be complete and done with all the effort one can put in his works. Then it rang.

I looked at caller I.D. – Stephen. Without hesitation I flipped the cover of my phone and answered.
- ‘Yeah?’ I asked, smiling.
- ‘Hey.’ He replied. His tone was different, alien like, with taste of stone in it.
- ‘What’s up?’ I asked, calm, without alert in my voice.
- ‘We have to talk.’ He said, once more, in the same voice.
- ‘Okay, sure. When?’ I asked.
- ‘Can you meet me in the park, like now?’ He asked back.
- ‘I am on my way.’ I replied and ended the call. Whatever the reason was I hoped it was not too serious. Outside, in distance I could make out sounds of thunderstorm rumbling. Just to make sure I don’t get wet, I got my raincoat, scribbled a quick note to John that I am going out and left room. I should’ve listened to voice of thunderstorm and settle the ominous feeling I had in me as I slowly closed in Stephen’s current location.

This is it. This is how it ended. This is how I met my destiny and lost to it in a battle. I saw him standing on small bridge over the lowered road under it. He saw me and slowly came to me, tucked in his own raincoat as it was windy evening. I could hear another rumble in sky but no it was closer. It was going to rain, I was sure of it.

- ‘It’s over. You and me – it’s over.’ He said in the same stoned voice he talked to me over the phone, as if not even in more stoned voice. I was confused, I couldn’t understand. What had I possibly suddenly done wrong he wanted to leave me? What was my mistake?
- ‘But.. why?’ I asked, silently. Even if I wanted to make my voice louder, I couldn’t. His words did what they were meant to do – make a meaning. He sighed. He probably had hoped I wouldn’t ask and just turn away and run, crying or something. I was not quitter. I wanted to know whatever the reason as I wanted it to be solved because I loved him. I loved him so much.
- ‘Because… I am sorry.’ He sighed again, and hung his head. I waited but he didn’t continue.
- ‘For what? You have done nothing wrong!’ I assured him. He hadn’t done anything wrong to me, nor to himself, I hoped. I was more than sure because I was feeling safe under his gentle arms, holding me. I was feeling great.
- ‘Oh, you have no idea..’ He muttered but I heard.
- ‘Then tell me!’ I demanded and another rumble in sky said it’s closing in more and more.
- ‘Because I am not a faggot!’ He yelled back at me. I was struck by his word he used. He told the mean word, the word which meant you are hated, you are spit on, you are totally miserably worth humiliation.
- ‘What did you say?’ I asked, silently, looking at him, without lowering my gaze from his face.

- ‘You heard me! I am not a faggot like you! I am normal and you are mental!’ He hurled those words with anger at me and boy did they hit me. They hit me really hard and almost knocked over my feet as I staggered a bit backwards. This anger, this hatred just blasted out of him.
- ‘You were just a fucking bet! Guys did a bet with me and I had to date you for 2 weeks. As if it’s not enough, I had to kiss a fucking guy. A GUY! That’s beyond disgusting! ’ He continued. I stood there, without saying anything. I stood there, without moving. I felt first raindrops landing on my raincoat. I wanted to reach and brush them off like dust but it was not possible. Slowly, drops were more frequent and it started pouring.
- ‘How much?’ My voice broke. But I wanted to know how much I had sold myself, not that it would make things better.
- ‘250 bucks.’ He replied. I laughed. I laughed about the amount. It had taken him that much to break me.

- ‘What’s so funny, faggot? You know what’s the worst? I AGREED to that stupid bet and went to your level. To your sick, mental level!’ He charged towards me. My eyes went wide as he met me with full-force and kicked me off the feet.
- ‘Get up!’ He shouted. I didn’t move. I wanted to run, I wanted to escape from him, I wanted to be elsewhere but not here because I was frightened. I was scared. But he wouldn’t wait; he took me by my raincoat shoulders and lifted on my feet. Such strength I had anticipated.
Then, came the first blow. He hit with his fist my stomach and I shouted in pain as I curled forward from the pain. But he didn’t stop. He hit again and I howled in another burst of pain.
- ‘S-Sto..p.’ I choked out through pain but he wouldn’t listen. Came third blast with his fist and it hit my face. I fell down, curling from agony in my stomach. He started to kick me. He kicked my stomach, he kicked my back and all I could do was just scream. I shouted, yelled but it wouldn’t help. I could taste blood in my mouth. He didn’t stop.

- ‘That’s what you, faggots deserve!’ He spat in my face and did one final kick. Then, he disappeared in rain, running. In no time, pouring had turned into heavy rain and somehow I had managed to roll on my back.

And now, it has come to this. Now you know why I am here, laying on ground, all in mud and heavy rain landing on my body. I don’t feel the pain anymore. I don’t feel anything at all. There is nothing, just emptiness. This was my story and I wish I had run, far away as soon as I got that call. This is it, I can feel it. My gaze is giving in.

Alex was left beaten up badly and slowly fading away, forever..