Two Years

Next morning, I woke, dazed. First I saw was a tip of a nose, close to my face and then, rest of his beautiful, sincere and calm face. He was still asleep. I smiled and slowly shifted. Oh, I felt my ass but I smiled. It was done. I was completely his. His lips twitched in a grimace. Was he having a nightmare? I pressed my lips to his forehead, hoping that would help him if you believed in that sort-of thing. And surely enough, his grimace turned into a small smile and slowly, very slowly, he opened his eyes.

- ‘Morning, beautiful.’ He said.

- ‘Morning yourself.’ I chuckled. But then it dawned. He read my face and it didn’t take long for my pain to mirror in his face. He was going.

I wished I could go to airport with him but he said he has escort that is supposed to get him to military base and from there with military aircraft they are supposed to fly to place, wherever their mission was to take place. He explained he would receive details as soon as he steps out of the escort’s car but I knew one thing though – I was not to know those details.

- ‘If anything happens to me Sloan will send a message.’ I didn’t want to listen as I was fighting my tears already but it sank in – whatever he is going to do, whenever it is going to happen, it is going to be dangerous. Soon, a horn came from outside. He gave me quick, deep kiss and with his bags and in his uniform he was out the doors..

Time passed. We exchanged letters, I describing my time at college, with friends, parties and everything, while he was allowed to just briefly tell about his daily activities when he was not supposed to be on duty. His team apparently loved soccer so they would play it if they came across a ball.

And then, came That letter. It was after a while, after my last letter to him. I hadn’t received any reply for month and I was worried. I don’t know but I was on edge as if I sensed.

I opened my mailbox and saw a letter with different handwriting but it had the same, formal, military edge. With my hands trembling I opened it:

Roland Dane,

I am writing in request of our mutual friend Nicholas Reed. My name is Sloan-

- ‘Oh no.’ I gasped.

I am sorry to inform-

- ‘This is not happening.’ My hands shook wildly, my voice barely a whisper.

Nicholas has gone MIA, short for Missing In A-

But I never found the end of that letter. Bits and pieces scattered in my mind and I broke. I succumbed to darkness and found myself on ground.

-Two years later, present- (this is where I shift story in third person)

Ronald dropped his pen. He didn’t know what drove to dive in that memory, but here he was, in front of his diary pages, looking upon them as waking nightmare. Two years had passed since that day he received letter about Nicholas. His memory after that was hazy. He remembered his ‘zombie’ stage when he was in trance, barely existing, doing basic functions. His contact with friends from college had become so formal, it was just ‘hi’, ‘how are you?’ and ‘bye’. He couldn’t help it. Just as his sun had risen, it had been lost to cold blizzard in a matter of flash. Alex was tightly by his side.

- ‘You okay?’ He asked, hugging him from behind. Roland sighed. He was never going to be above okay, ever again.

- ‘I can manage.’ He said silently, so that he could not betray his dry throat. He hoped Alex could not see the smudges on diary pages his tears had left as he was recounting past events. He had recovered. He had resumed his studies after months of absence. He had finally renewed his contacts, unwillingly explaining what had happened and every one of them instantly had forgotten him his absence from their lives. He returned to the bar and talked to Jonathan. Ronald was the only one person Jonathan was keeping a longer conversation than ‘what can I get to you?’ because he understood Ronald’s pain. But even to his ignorance, people had noticed his expression whenever someone had taken Nicholas’ seat beside him at counter. Few guys even had tried to hook up with him but it all got so tensed that the last one got a punch-in-the-face reply from Roland. Everyone backed up, never setting next to him in that seat.

Today, was sort of a reunion amongst all those, who knew Nick. The date marked exactly the two years since Nick’s disappearance. And for the first time ever, Roland would pick up a microphone. He cringed at the thought but despite that, he knew it was to be done. He wanted to do this. The song meant him now even so much more than it had before he met Nick and now it was all his life. Song, that sent him back into the past, in those memories he had just written on paper. He got up from his chair and took his jacket.

He went there with Alex’s car. He refused to drive himself, so he willingly let Alex take the wheel. He had bought his own car but today was just not the day he should be sitting behind a wheel. Besides, he had to tune his guitar.

He had forced himself to pick up guitar lessons. He wanted to learn that one specific song so it had sent him in frenzy of long months breaking countless of guitar strings, learning basic notes and combinations and basic melodies. Then, slowly, advancing he began playing harder ones that required skill. Skill he lacked but persistence and memory of Nicholas drove him.

There he was, sitting in spotlight, everyone in black, around him, all eyes on him.

- ‘As you know, Nicholas had become part of my life, more than I would ever dream off, more than some of you even would expect, and because of that despise me. I know there is hatred for our relationship, as well as compassion and love from our beloved friends-‘

At that moment to no one’s notice, someone entered the bar.

- ‘This song is for him. And in memory of him, please, just tonight let’s-‘

The unseen man sat at precise one, specific bench at counter. Jonathan was listening to Ronald’s speech but yet was annoyed.

- ‘Didn’t you see the sign? We are closed tonight!’ He sneered, whispering, not wanting to disturb Roland’s speech. Man raised his head but Jonathan was not looking at the man. Instead, he looked where Ronald played first chords of the song. Man froze. He seemed not to hear the speech but the song. First words came.

Man rose to his feet. And finally, Jonathan looked at the man.

- ‘If you intend to stay, please be si-‘ but his words broke as he saw the man. His face paled, his mouth gaped open, at the loss of words and then slowly, colour returned to his face.

Ronald kept playing the chords and singing. He had been practising for this exact moment, for this exact memory place to become alive once again as he told his story through this song. But-

- ‘RONALD! C-COME HERE, QUICK!’ Everyone fell silent. Even Roland stopped his singing as Jonathan’s cry ripped through his memoriam. He was confused. That cry had mixture of feelings he could not comprehend. But with effort, he pushed himself off the chair. Slowly, he went to counter.

- ‘What’s wrong Jonathan?’ He asked. Then, he saw Jonathan’s face. His eyes were red and tears were streaming down them. Roland was confused. Jonathan raised his hand, and with trembling finger pointed. Only then, Ronald noticed the new presence.

- ‘Who are you-?’ Roland stared, blankly. This person had scared the wits out of Jonathan and was now standing in shadows. But yet..

One step closer.

Yet everything...

A gasp broke from Ronald’s lips.

As if never occurred...

He broke. Internally.

As if his two years...

But not badly. The smile that greeted him...

Were just nightmare of his mind.

Ronald staggered. He swayed, his stare going blank, not feeling his body, not feeling the ground. He heard shouts all around him, he heard buzzing in his ears and finally he just lost it. He fell forward, only one set of arms managing to find him before he hit the ground. The same arms that held him eagerly in that precious night. Same hands that soothed his memory every time he had found himself on brink of despair. Nicholas wrapped his arms around Ronald, both silently weeping and tears streaming from both of them.

- ‘But... I...’ Ronald fought to find words.

- ‘I promise, I will explain.’ Nicholas kissed his forehead. That was when Roland fell asleep, as if finally able to rest after a long day..

Ronald opened his eyes, slowly. He was dazed, his sight blurry. Tear escaped corner of his right eye. He could not piece it together, the dream he saw felt real, so vivid he could’ve sworn he felt Nick’s touch. Why did it have to happen? Why did he see it? Why did his mind summoned images, impossible to reality?

He looked around. It was his room. The nightstand beside his bed had lamp on it, and a book on it, the last one he was reading. Weirdly enough, he could not recall the contents of it, as if-

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. He felt numb, out of body, floating between reality and dreams. Psychologically – he knew it was just a dream. Not a nightmare but like his heart’s tribute to his love, to his boyfriend But heart itself? Heart itself pounded wildly against his chest, ready to take off through his chest, even if it meant broken ribs. It was always like that; two struggled, no matter what, forcing to fight demons within. Heart lingered. Roland couldn’t blame it and for a good reason – it was his own, for god’s sake!

He slowly pulled himself upwards, his body stiff. How long had he been asleep? He stretched his arms, slowly turned his head to one and other side, bent his legs close to him, to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knees.

Everything’s... okay. Everything’s... great. Breathe. Just breathe.

He closed his eyes and summoned the last image from his dream – Nick’s face and tears streaming from his eyes. Something in it seemed so... real.

- ‘You are finally awake.’ A voice stated. Roland gasped for breath and sharply turned his head towards the source of it. And there – there he was!

Nick. Nicholas. His face pale, stressed, unsmiling. His eyes empty. But seeing that Ronald was paying attention, his expression changed. Eyes became focused and a tiny smile lifted in corners of his lips. Ronald stared. No, more like gazed.

- ‘ Am I asleep?’ Question escaped his lips, whether he intended or not.