My German Lover, Part 27, chapter 2

“You shouldn’t be scared Jack. I’m not sure whether you’re straight or gay Jack. Maybe the feelings you have for Richard are just short-lived emotions and nothing more. At your age many guys question their sexuality… and get tempted to do things with their male friends, to experiment… And in the end, many finally find out they are straight, and from there... they go on with their lives and forget they ever questioned themselves about their sexuality. I don’t know if that’s what you’re going through now. But as I said, you’ll find your answers and whatever they are, just accept them. You know Jack… we are born the way we are. You were born white, not black. You’re a man, not a girl. You were born in Europe, not in Asia. Did you choose any of those?”

“…Of course not…”

“…And some are born straight, some others are born gay… or bisexual… Do you think we choose that?”

“…I guess not…”

“No we don’t. And so, as much as you have no choice but to accept the fact that you’re a white, European-born man, you’ll have to accept your sexual orientation. Whatever it is. Think about that Jack…”

“I will…”

“Good!…And Jack? What we just talked about… will remain between the two of us. You can count on my discretion. I will not even tell Will about that.”

I looked at him for a minute… then said:

“…You can tell Will. I know that Will and you have always shared everything and never had secrets for one another… and I don’t want you to keep a secret from Will just because of me. Tell him. I trust him just as much as I trust you Paul…”

Paul smiled at me and said:

“I’m sure Will will appreciate. And you can trust us Jack!”

“I do. Thanks Paul. You’re a real friend… I already feel a little better, having talked to you…”

“Hey… I’m always here if you need me.”

I nodded and looked at him with a thankful smile on my face…

“Hey…by the way…do you plan to resume your swim training in our pool?”

“Yes”, I answered, with a big smile on my face. “First thing tomorrow morning… That’s what I’m gonna do…”

“Good!”

“… Now I’ve got to go back home… All our luggage must have been delivered from the Airport, and I told my dad I would give him a hand…”

“Sure. And say hello to your parents and to your brother Robert on my behalf…”

“I will.”

I rose from my chair and started to walk away… then I stopped and turned back to look at Paul and said:

“Thanks again!”.

He just looked at me with a warm smile and with his hand, he waved goodbye…

The following days not only did I resumed my swim training… but I also started to do some soul searching… It wasn’t easy but gradually, all the pieces started to fall into place. Slowly, I began to understand who I was… and what I was. I started to look at things with fresh eyes and began to wonder if all those years I had not been lying to myself. No. I had not. It was just that up until recently, I had never questioned myself about my sexual orientation. I had taken for granted I was straight… 

I suppose some people question their sexual orientation much earlier in life… In that sense, I guess I was not what you would call an “early bloomer”…I’ve even heard some people say: “I’ve always known that I was gay…”. Well… I was not one of them, that’s for sure! Before that night with Richard, it had never occurred to me that I might be gay. Since I had never been in love before, I just wasn’t able to make the difference between friendship and love. I mean… sometimes the difference is easy to make. Other times… well… it’s very borderline. When and where does friendship ends, and love starts?

Many things went through my mind. Like… I started to think about my friend Eric. I mean… he’s a good friend of mine, and I like him. No. I love him, but I’m not in love with him. Big difference! Indeed, the feelings I have for Eric are totally different from those I have for Richard. Yes… I had to admit to myself that I was in love with Richard. I just couldn’t deny that. And yes… I wanted him. I needed him. I was lost without him and wished I could be with him all the time. Did that meant I was gay? Well… I certainly was in love with a guy! So that surely meant I wasn’t straight! Was I bisexual? I didn’t know about that. At the time I just didn’t have enough experience in life to answer that question. So I figured out that question would have to remain unanswered for a while… Why rush for an answer that could be wrong, one way or the other… So I just decided to put that question on the back burner for a while, and let the course of time do its work… 

One morning, after my training, Paul came to me and said:

“Hey… care to join Will and me for breakfast? Lutz and Hans left early this morning for Fort-de-France… and we would like to have your company…”

“Sure!”, I answered, with a big smile on my face…

So I joined them for breakfast… and after breakfast, as we were enjoying coffee… I looked at Paul and said:

“… You know what we talked about two weeks ago? About soul searching? Well… I’ve done some…”

“Oh?”, Paul said… “Well, if you want to talk about that, feel free to do so cause I’ve told Will…”

Will looked at me with a warm smile and said:

“Thanks for your trust in me Jack. I know you’re going through tough times… and if I can be of any help to you, I’ll do my best…”

“Thanks Will”, I answered with a nice smile on my face. Then I said:

“…I’ve come up with some answers… like… I think it’s clear I like guys. And as you told me to do Paul, I have listened to my heard, and I know now that I’m in love with Richard. That’s why I’m hurting so much. Am I totally gay or am I bisexual? I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll have to wait and see… Sincerely… at this point…I just don’t know.”

“You’ve done your homework Jack.”, Paul said, looking at me with a friendly smile on his face…

“… You could very well be bisexual you know”, Will said… “Perhaps, you’re like Lutz.”

“…But Lutz made his life with Franz, didn’t you say…”

“Yes. But I suppose things could have been different if instead of meeting Franz… he had met a nice girl and had fallen in love with her…We will never know… I think that in life, no one can escape his destiny. And I suppose Lutz’s destiny was for him to meet Franz and fall in love with him”, Will added.

“… Will is right… And I think you should talk to Lutz about that. Maybe he could help you…”, Paul answered.

“Yeah… I would like that! Would you talk to him first… you know… that way, if he knows everything it will be easier for me to talk to him…”, I answered…

“…Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“Yes.”

And a few days later, as I was swim training… Lutz came over to the pool and, with a friendly smile on his face he said:

“Hey Jack! (…) Will and Paul talked to me about the tough times you’re going through…”

“Oh yes…”, I answered feeling a bit uneasy…

“(…) I just wanted you to know that if you ever want to talk to me about your situation, feel free to do so… You know where to find me, don’t you?”

“Yeah…”, I answered smiling… “Thanks Lutz. Just give me some more time, will you? There are a few things I'd like to sort out before you and I can talk…”

“Sure pal… Take all the time you want… I mean….and if in the end, you don’t think you need to talk to me, well that will be fine with me. But if you want to talk… I’ll be there for you. That’s all I wanted you to know…”

“Thanks!”

And of course… eventually, I had a long talk with Lutz. And it helped a lot. Oh, I didn’t get my answer from Lutz. And anyway I was not expecting an all cooked up answer from him. But he explained many things to me… and now, bearing in mind what he had said, I knew that one day, I would find my answer.

For now, I knew I liked guys and that I was in love with Richard. That was enough for the moment.

And I also knew I had to break up with my girlfriend Julie, having realized I wasn’t in love with her. I had to be honest and admit to myself that I had been using her as a front. I felt bad about that…I had not done that deliberately… but nevertheless, I didn’t want to hurt her so I had to tell her the truth. Not that I preferred guys…No. Just that I wasn’t in love with her. I knew she would feel bad about that but what could I do? That’s life I guess. I would act in a gentle way and I knew that in the end, she would understand. Maybe we could stay friend. It would be up to her to decide.

In my mind the fact that I was not in love with Julie didn’t necessarily meant that I was exclusively gay and that I would never fall in love with another girl later on. No. To me, it just meant I was not in love with her. That’s all what it meant.

Now that I had made my mind concerning Julie, I had to answer another question: What about my parents and my brother Robert? Was I going to tell them? Did I need to? And what the hell was I going to tell them? I just couldn’t go to them and tell them: “Hey, by the way… I’m gay… or bisexual, or whatever…”

And whatever I would tell them the question was: How would they react? And quite frankly, I was scared to death thinking about that. So for a while, I just shoved the problem under the carpet… But of course, that didn’t help one bit! The problem was still there, and I realized I was starting to lose sleep over it… One way or the other, I had to make up my mind.

And since I had problems trying to do so I decided to do what I had been doing recently each time that I needed help and I went to Will and Paul!

“…I know… I know… you won’t tell me what to do. I know.”, I told them laughing, after I had explained to them the nature of my problem… “But maybe you can tell me what you think…”

“…No indeed, we won’t tell you what to do”, Paul answered smiling. It’s for you to decide. But there are a few things you might want to consider before you make up your mind about that…”

“…What?”

“…Well… you see… no general rule exists… What’s right for you may be wrong for others… I mean, you’re going to have to make your decision base on your own realities. What I’m trying to say is that you’re gonna have to take into account who your parents are, and what they are. Same for your brother Robert…”

Will looked at me and added: “You know Jack, we don’t know your parents or your brother Robert as well as we know you, but from what I’ve seen, they are broadminded people. And I know they love you very much. I’m sure they won’t stop loving you because you tell them you’re gay or bisexual. You’re going through tough times Jack, and I think you need all the support you can get. Knowing your parents and your brother as well as you do, do you see any reasons why they wouldn’t support you?”

“Yes”, Paul said… “You must consider things “in concreto” and not “in abstracto”… All parents are not like my mother was you know! And I sure don’t think your parents are like her!”

“…Your mother? What do you mean?”

“Oh… that’s another story… a long story. Let’s not get into that for now okay? Let’s just say she was a very conservative and close-minded person, to say the least.”, Paul said, with a sad smile on his face…

“As for my mum” Will said… “She was rather broadminded and very comprehensive. And so was my dad. Till the end, they never stopped loving me and supporting me…”

“But should you decide to tell your family, I suggest you tell your parents first. They have the right to be the first to know….”

“Yes. I’ll think about that…”

“Do that…”

“Thanks again…”

I took a few more days to ponder all the facts… and in the end I came to the conclusion I had to tell my family. I knew I needed their support, and I got convinced they would accept me for what I am... whatever that might be.

Having made up my mind, I then started to get nervous thinking about how and when I would tell them… The sooner the better, I decided.

I waited for my brother to be away from home one night, and as I was sitting alone with my parents… I told them the truth. They listened to me till the end, without interrupting me. As I was talking to them I could see from their faces that they weren’t shocked. Like if I was telling them something they had already guessed… I don’t know. 

“…I’m not sure whether I’m gay or bisexual… but I know for sure I like guys. Shit! I don’t know if what I’m telling you makes any sense to you…”, I concluded…

“Oh yes it does Jack…”, my dad said… “First of all… and I’m sure your mum will agree with me, we love you no less Jack. If that’s the way you are… well, you’ve got to act according to your nature. That’s what I think….”

“…All we want Jack is for you to be happy in life and with your life…”, my mum added… “And I’m glad you told us. I can only guess how hard it must have been for you to come up to us to tell us… I’m proud of you Jack! You have guts! It shows that you feel good about yourself and that you’re not ashamed for what you are. Never be ashamed for that Jack. Ever! In your life you’ll have to face many difficulties… and you’ll be able to face them only if, deep down, you’re at peace with yourself….”

“You know Jack… your mother and I were worried about you. Since we left Montréal, we could see there was something wrong with you… and we were afraid you were getting sick or something like that. Now that we know the truth, we’ll stop worrying about that”, my dad said, with a warm smile on his face.

“Now I can see why you were always asking me if I was feeling okay or something…” I answered, grinning…

“Yes…”, my mum answered… “You know, parents always worry about their children… and it’s not because you’re getting older that we will stop worrying about you. Same thing for your brother Robert…”.

“Sorry if I made you worry… but you see, I had to come to terms with myself… I had to sort out a few things before I could talk to you…”

“We understand that. But Jack, never forget we are a closely knit family: We love you and will always be there to help and support you. If you ever have a problem, never hesitate to come to us. Together, we’ll find a solution. To each problem there is a solution. Never forget that!”

“Yes…”, I answered, with tears in my eyes.

“And Jack?”, my mum asked…

“What?”

“Thanks you for your honesty!”, she said with a tender smile on her face. “

“Come here and give us a big hug…”, my dad finally said…

We hugged for a while, with tears running down our cheeks.

A bit later, my dad looked at me and said:

“As you know Jack, we are four in this family. What about Robert? Do you intend to tell him?”

“Yes dad. It’s just that I wanted to talk to the two of you first…”

“Good decision!”, my mum answered.

“…If you don’t mind… I’d like to tell him when the two of us are alone together…”

“No problem”, they both answered…

The day after, my brother Robert was in his bedroom working on his new computer. I knocked on his door and said:

“Um… Robert… There’s something I’d like talk to you about…

“Not now Jack: I’m writing a letter to my girlfriend…”

Oh come on Robert, it’s important!”

“…Well… What I’m doing now is important too you know…”

“Sure! How many letters have you sent her since we got here huh?… and how many have you received from her huh? ”

“What’s the point?”, he answered, working on his letter, not even looking at me…

“Please Robert… I really got to talk to you. I need you bro!”

He raised his eyes to look at me… dropped his pen and said:

“Go ahead bro… Why do you need my help for?”

“…Thanks. Um… It’s not easy for me to say… and I don’t know how to tell you what I want to tell you bro…”

“That hard? Hey! You’re not talking to the Pope you know! Spit it out bro…”

I burst out laughing and answered:

“Thank God you’re not the Pope, cause I know I would never tell him what I’m about to tell you. He would curse me.”

“…Come on bro… just deliver the baby will you?”

“Yeah yeah…”. I sat on his bed and looked at him for a second, then I told him everything!

“Shit bro… I don’t know what to say! I was sure you were about to tell me your girlfriend is pregnant…”, he answered, running his hand through his hair…

I could see Robert was doing some thinking. I stayed still… waiting for him to say something. I could hear the roar of my heart pounding. I did my best to remain calm but nevertheless tears came to my eyes and it took all my strength not to start crying. I didn’t want to cry. I had to take control over my emotions.

I suppose Robert knew what was going through my mind because he rose from his chair, walked over to me and took me into his arms. His embrace was so tight I had difficulties breathing. He gave me a peck on the hair… then let go of me and said:

“…You know Jack… what you said? I couldn’t care less. Well I mean… I do care… but what I mean is that the fact you’re gay or whatever… it doesn’t make any difference to me. That’s what I want a say… You’re my baby brother Jack, and I love you the way you are. You know I’m not good with words…”

I raised my eyes to look at him but could barely make him through my tears. I wiped them off with my hand… and said:

“Thanks Robert! You have no idea of how much your opinion counts for me…”

“Hey! You told me once to stop patronizing you… and I did. But I want you to know I’ll always be there for you bro. I love you bro!”

“I love you too Robert…”

“Did you tell mum and dad?”

“Yeah… last night.”

“And?”

“They’re great Robert. We’re lucky to have parents like them… They’re supporting me all the way…”

Robert ruffled my hair playfully and said:

“So am I dude… so am I. (…) Um… did you tell your best friend Richard?”

I looked at my brother and froze.

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know… Just asking. I guess I should tell you something…”

“What?”

“Just before we left Montréal he called me…”

“Huh? But why?”

“…He didn’t say much. But he said something about the fact he had acted like a jerk and felt sorry about that… or something like that. Anyway… he wanted to know when we were suppose to come back to Montréal… and so I told him. I even told him on which flight we will be… He said he wanted to be at the airport to greet you when we come back and asked me not to tell you cause he wants to surprise you. Did I make a mistake in telling him?” 

“No.”

“What did he meant when he said he had acted like a jerk?”

“You want to know? Well, that’s what happened…

And I told everything to my brother.

“Oh my God!!! You certainly know how to put your two feet in it, don’t you?”

“…Don’t rub it in…”

“Do you think he regrets … Well obviously he does. But I mean do you think he’s gay too?”

“…With what he said to me? No, I don’t think so. I made a big mistake, thinking that he might be gay. But I’m happy to see he wants to talk to me.”

“What are you going to do about him?”

“I don’t know Robert…. Except that I’ll tell him the truth. Apart from that, I don’t see what else I can do…”

“Right!”

“Well… you can go back to your love letter now…”, I finally said, grinning… “And thanks a lot bro…”

“My love letter? Oh… yes! It’s soooooooooo important!”, Robert answered, laughing his heart out… “I feel so silly writing those letters… but she likes that, so what can I say huh?”

And as I was about to leave him, Robert looked back at me and said:

“Hey bro… There’s something I’d like to say…”

“Sure…”

“I have a friend who’s gay…”

“Who?”

“Oh come on bro… He’s not really out of the closet, and it’s not for me to reveal his secret…

“I understand… Sorry if I asked…”

“As I was saying, he told me he’s gay… and from time to time, he tells me about his most recent sex escapades. Boy! From what he tells me, it’s obvious it’s much easier for guys to have sex with guys, than for us straight guys to have sex with girls. I mean… I’ve stopped counting the number of different partners he had sex with! And that’s dangerous Jack. One day, he’s gonna catch something from one of those guys…. A VD or something. Maybe worst. Could be AIDS… So Jack, please… Do whatever you want with guys… but please use condoms will you? I don’t want to lose you… You’re the only brother I have, and I love you…”

“Don’t worry bro! It’s just not my style to have such dangerous behaviors… and anyway, I love life too much to risk losing it that way!”

“Fine”.

“Thanks bro! I appreciate…”

“Sure”, Robert answered with a very sincere smile on his face.

As I had sorted out a few things… to say the least… the rest of that summer was quite uneventful. I started to breath easier… and began to really enjoy our stay in Martinique. My dad had bought a used car and when our parents were not using it, Robert and I would borrow it to explore the island. We went everywhere, and saw everything. It was great. Sometimes, some of Ludwig’s or Hans’ grandchildren would accompany us… and thanks to them, we discovered things that we didn’t even know existed on the island.

But like all good things, it had to come to an end… and soon enough, we had to go back to Montréal as College was about to start.

I said my good-byes to our friends at Bagatelle and told them we would be back for the Christmas holidays…

We flew back to Montréal. As I was waiting in line to go through the customs, I saw Richard in the distance, waiting for me. I saw him waving… and I waved back. I was so nervous that at one point, the custom officer looked at me and decided to have my luggage searched! Shit! Like if I was carrying drugs with me or something. I’ve never done drugs and have always stayed away from that kind of shit!

Anyway… they searched my luggage, and found nothing. So I was cleared and went to join the rest of my family. They were all laughing at me! Nice!

I looked at Richard… and said:

“Hey! Good to see you pal! How did you manage to get to the airport?”

“Took the bus…”, he answered. “I wanted to surprise you…”

“Jack?”, I heard my dad ask…

“Yes”, I answered…

“Look, we can’t all fit into the same taxi… so here, take a few bucks so you and Richard can take your own…”

“…Oh thanks dad… Um… do you mind if we don’t go home right away? We might want to stop someplace for pizza or something…”

“Sure!”, my mum said… “Give Robert your luggage…”

“Do you mind Robert?”, I asked…

“Not at all… Go ahead bro…”