My German Lover, Part 27, chapter 2

So Richard and I took a taxi. I looked at the driver and smiled. The guy was wearing a turban and it was obvious he wasn’t fluent in French cause he barely understood the directions I was giving him… That meant Richard and I would be able to talk freely, knowing the driver wouldn’t understand a word of what we were saying to one another!

As we were leaving the airport, Richard looked at me and said:

“Look Jack… I’m sorry for the way I’ve reacted. Really. I don’t know how to explain, but I feel miserable for what I did and said to you…”

“I made a big mistake Richard. I know I did. I presumed of a lot of things… and I guess I should have tested the water before diving into it. I’m sorry Richard. But I want you to know it hurt me so bad, the way you reacted. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain… You just slammed the door at my face!”

“…I didn’t know how to react”, Richard answered, almost in a whisper…

“I guess we have to talk Richard. Have a serious talk, you and me. I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do… Are you broadminded enough to hear me out?”

Richard turned across to look at me and answered:

“Sure pal! You’re my best friend. But I think I must tell you something first…”

“What?”

“You see Jack, whatever you’re gonna tell me, I can take. But I want you to understand that I’m straight. I don’t care if you’re gay or something… but that won’t change the way I am. I don’t want you to go thinking that, one day, I might fall in love with you Jack. That won’t happen. You’re my best friend, and I’d like for the two of us to stay friends. It’s to tell you that that I came to the airport today…”

“I understand Richard. It hurts… but I understand. And I respect you pal! Don’t worry: I won’t try again to make a pass at you!”

“Good enough pal!”

The taxi left us at a restaurant not too far from where we both live, and we ordered pizza.

Later on, I told everything to Richard about the talks I had with Paul, Will and Lutz during the summer. The soul searching I had done… and the answers I had come up with. I told him everything. He also learned I had told the truth to my parents and to Robert…

“Shit… that must have been hard…”

“Not as hard as you might think Richard. Now, I’m a free man. And I feel good about myself. And I don’t intend to live in a closet. Oh I’m not the kind of guy who will run around telling everybody I’m gay… I think that’s private. But I’m not ashamed either. I don’t know if you understand?”

“…I guess so…”

As we were about to leave the restaurant, Richard told me:

“Um… you know… while you were in Martinique… well… I started to go out with Claire…”

“Claire Nadeau?”

“Un-huh”…

“Good for you man…”, I answered, doing my best to keep my composure…

Thank God it was already dark outside when we began to walk towards my house… I was not expecting that! To hear Richard say he was going out with a girl made me feel sick. I felt like if someone had planted a knife right into my heart. It hurt like hell, thinking about that and my heart was shattered. I was devastated. But of course, I did my best not to show my disarray… and I just kept walking, making small talk with Richard…

Eventually we reached my house and I asked Richard:

“You want to come in?”

“Thanks. But I got to go home… Claire is expecting my call…” he answered.

“Sure… say hello to her on my behalf, will you?”

“I will… Maybe I could call you tomorrow?”

“Okay. Fine… And thanks for coming to the airport and everything…”

“Sure! So you’re still my best friend, huh?”

“Don’t worry Richard. I’ll always be!”…

“Okay. Night!”

“Night”.

I went inside, and acted as if everything was alright. I even put a big smile on my face! But nothing was right. I was hurting and didn’t know what to do…

I just wished I could run to Will and Paul… to tell them how bad I felt. And I felt real bad.

I went to my room, closed the door and started to unpack. Tears started to flow like a river from my eyes and I just couldn’t stop them. I was hurting so much…like if a big hand was squeezing the life out of my heart. I even had difficulties breathing. I couldn’t stop thinking that as I was unpacking, Richard was probably talking to Claire over the phone… telling her how much he was in love with her… I just couldn’t stand that thought.

Then I heard someone knock on my door… and I answered:

“I’m not here!”

“…It’s me bro… Open up!”

“…I.. I… I…” I stuttered…

“Open up Jack, please…”

I finally opened the door, and my brother came in. He looked at me… then sat on my bed.

“What’s going on bro? Are you okay?”

“No”, I finally answered, after a long moment of silence.

“Tell me what’s wrong…”

I looked at Robert for a second, and went to sit next to him on my bed. Then I told him.

Again, I was crying like a baby… 

“Shit Robert. Nowadays, that’s all I’m good at: Crying! When will it stop? I wonder if I’m not going crazy. One bad thing after another. How much can I take? I mean… I’m not Superman you know! I’m only human! And I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…”

“The light is there Jack. It’s just that for now, you can’t see it… But do you know what I think?”

“What?”

“…I think that for a while, you should stop seeing Richard….”

“…But he’s my best friend…”

“No. He’s not just your friend. You’re in love with him. That’s different Jack. Why would you want to hurt yourself some more huh? Things will not change Jack. He’ll never fall in love with you… He’s going out with Claire for now. Maybe in a few weeks, he will break up with her. But then, he will start going out with another girl. That’s how things work Jack. Do you want to be a witness to that? Is that what you want? Are you a masochist of what?”

“…I can manage that…”, I answered.

Robert looked at me and said:

“Do as you want Jack. I just wanted you to know what I think. That’s all. It’s your life, not mine. I just feel bad, knowing that you hurt like that.”

“Thanks bro. (…) I’ll think about what you said…”

The fact that College was about to start was a good thing. And as we were not going to the same College, I was not bumping into Richard all the time. That was a good thing too.

Of course, from time to time he was calling me… and so was I. Sometimes he was coming to my house… and sometimes I was going to his. But since he was going out with Claire, he was quite busy with her and didn’t have much time left for me. I didn’t blame him for that. But I was hurting.

Early one Friday evening he called me:

“Hey… What’s up dude?” he asked…

“Not much… You?”

“Do you know what? I just passed my driver’s license! My mum said I can take her car tonight… so, want to come to the movie?”

“Hey… sure!”

“I’ll be at your place in…say… half an hour, okay!”

“Perfect!”

When I saw his mum’s car outside, I went out and began walking towards the car. That’s when I saw Claire in there, sitting on the passenger seat. My heart stopped for a second or two. But I said nothing and kept smiling.

I opened the back door and said:

“Hey Claire! Nice to see you…”

“…Same for me Jack…”, she answered, smiling…

At least, I knew she was sincere. I was not! I just wished I could turn away and walk back home!

I sat and looked at Richard:

“…Hey pal! Hope you know how to drive! I’d like to come back in one piece, with all my teeth…”

Richard burst out laughing and said:

“Don’t worry dude… I know what I’m doing…”

“Let’s go then…”

We went to see a stupid movie… Richard was sitting between me and Claire, and as we were watching the stupid movie, I could see Claire was all over Richard. She had her hand on his thigh… and from time to time, she was giving him sweet kisses. I did my best not to look… but shit, I’m not blind. Was she doing that on purpose or what? I was mad. At one point, I excused myself to go to the restroom. I took all my time to calm down. As I was walking back to my seat, I saw them french-kissing. Now that was more than I could bear. My blood was boiling, and my heart was starting to race…

I finally reached our row and when they realized I was coming back, they stopped kissing. I sat down then turned across to look at Richard and asked:

“…Have I missed something…”

“What do you mean…”

“The movie… Have I missed something…”

“Oh… no no…”

When the movie ended, Richard said:

“Let’s go for pizza guys… what do you say?”

“I’m starving”, Claire answered, with a big smile on her face.

“Thanks dude. But I think I’ll take a raincheck. I’m starting to have a headache, so I think I’ll just go home and get some rest, if you don’t mind…”, I said…

“Sure. No problem! I’ll drive you back…”

I wanted to say: NO. I’ll take the bus! Don’t bother! But I knew better than that. I had to stay calm and act nonchalantly, like if there was nothing wrong with me…

“… Thanks pal!”, I answered…

They drove me back home and as I was leaving them I said:

“Hey… Thanks guys. That was fun… Hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the evening…”

“Hey! Get some rest, will you. I’ll give you a call tomorrow…”, Richard said, with a friendly smile on his face…

“Sure. See you Claire…”

“Take care”, she answered, smiling.

I ran to my room in a state of panic. I was about to start crying and was on the verge of a total break down. I went to a dresser to get something and looked at me in the mirror. I was shocked. What I saw there was the face of a guy who was losing control over his nerves. That scared me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, went to my bed and slowly sat on it asking myself if that’s what I wanted to do with the rest of my life: Crying and hurting. Robert was right. I had to stop seeing Richard. For how long? I didn’t know. Long enough for me to stop loving him. I couldn’t go on like that. I was killing myself. Slowly, bit by bit… but surely. I would have to talk to Richard about that. Not to ask him what he thought or how he felt about that, but to tell him we had to stop seeing each other. It was time for me to save my own skin.

On Sunday night, I gave Richard a call and asked him if I could come to his house cause I wanted to talk to him.

“Sure…”

I went to his house and we went to his room. For once, I was very calm. No tears. I told Richard how I was feeling… and what I had decided.

“…But you’re my best friend Jack. How can you do that? How? (…) I need you pal…”, he finally said, with tears in his eyes.

“Look Richard… I have no choice. It’s that, or I’ll go crazy. It hurts like hell… but that’s the only way out for me. I can’t go on like that. I just can’t. Please, please… forgive me. And try to understand.”, I answered as I was about to leave him.

He walked over to me and took me into his arms. I tossed my arms around him and felt a burning pain deep inside me. God! He was so handsome. And I was so much in love with him. It felt so natural for me to be in his arms like that. I wished things could have be different. I wished Richard could have been in love me the way I was with him. But things were not going to change and I knew that.

We stayed like that for what seemed an eternity. Richard was sobbing. I wasn’t. I don’t know how I did it… but I stayed calm.

When he finally let go of me, I looked at him with a broken heard. Tears were running down his cheeks. With my hand, I tenderly wiped them off. He was looking at me with his beautiful green eyes. I wish I could have kissed him right then and there. Instead, I gave him a lovely smile and calmly said:

“It’s not you Richard… It’s me. It’s not your fault. And it’s not mine either. I didn’t choose to be the way I am… and I didn’t choose to fall in love with you. It just happened, and it’s my problem. I have to do something Richard…Can’t you see that?”

“…How can you be so calm? And you’re wrong: It’s not only your problem… it’s mine too. I’ve missed you all summer long… and was so sorry for what I had said to you. Now that you’re back… and now that everything is back to normal, you’re telling me we can’t be friends anymore? I don’t understand. And you’re hurting me pal, just in case you haven’t realized.”

“Yes Richard… I’m calm. And quite frankly, I’m astonished… I guess I’ve already shed all the tears I had Richard. And no pal, things are not back to normal. Maybe they are for you, but not for me. I’m hurting non stop! But you’re wrong about one thing: I never said we can’t be friends anymore. To the contrary, that’s what I want us to be: Friends!

“Look at me Richard. Look at me”, I said, placing the palm of my hands on his shoulders…

“Haven’t you realized how much I’m in love with you Richard. I love everything about you. I love your hair, your beautiful green eyes… I love your lips and I love your smile. Your voice. Name it, I love it. Each night, I stay by the phone, waiting for you to call. And if you don’t call, I cry. I wonder about what you’re doing. I wonder if you’re with Claire. I wonder what the two of are you are doing and I secretly pray that you’re not making love to her, because that’s what I would love to do with you. I stay in my room and I stare at the ceiling. I’ve lost interest in almost everything. You’ve become an obsession to me. I can’t concentrate, and I’m not doing too good at College. I’m even starting to hate Claire, just because you’re going out with her. Apart from that, I have no reason to hate her. She’s a nice girl. It doesn’t make sense. My whole life doesn’t make sense anymore. You see Richard why I say I can’t go on like that…

“I must put some distance between you and me. Last summer while I was in Martinique, away from you, believing that you were still mad at me and didn’t want to see me anymore, it hurt a lot… but gradually, things started to get better for me. With each passing day, I was hurting less and less… I even succeeded to go through a day or two without thinking about you…

“But then we came back to Montréal and I saw you at the airport. It all came back to me. I was so happy to see you. It was like if you had given to me the most beautiful Christmas gift… only to take it away hours later, when you told me you were going out with Claire.

“And since then Richard, I’ve been living a nightmare. Day after day after day. And there’s no happy ending to that nightmare, cause I know things will not change. You won’t change Richard. You’re straight… and that will not change. Remember what you told me the day I came back from Martinique: You’ll never fall in love with me. I understand that. That’s why Richard I say it’s my problem. It’s not for you to try to fall in love with me. That would be against your nature. It’s for me to try to stop loving you the way I do. And to achieve that, I must stop seeing you for a while. I don’t see any other way…

“For how long Jack huh?”

“I don’t know Richard. The road I’m about to take is unknown to me. And I don’t know how far I’ll have to go on that road. All I know is that I have to walk alone on that road and I hope I’ll find peace at the end of it. Not a pot of gold Richard. Peace. Only peace. And if I find it, I’ll be able to come back to you and call you my friend. You will no longer be the guy I love, but my best friend. Nothing less, nothing more. Don’t you think it’s worth a try?

He just stared at me for a while… like if he was trying to process all the information I had just given to him…

“I must go now. Let me go Richard! Set me free… please!”, I finally said, in a very soft voice.

Again, I saw tears coming to his beautiful eyes. He opened his mouth as if to say something… then closed it. Then he slowly moved aside so I could make my way out of his room. I opened his bedroom door then turned to look at him:

“From the bottom of my heart Richard: I wish you the best! And If you need my help, come to me. Even if I hurt myself helping you, I will. I’ll always be there for you.