My German Lover: The Epilogue

As I was talking to Julie, by brother and André were looking at each other, laughing like two clowns…

“What are you two laughing about?”, Julie asked them…

“Look Julie”, my brother Robert answered… “If at some point you don’t feel good, go below deck… and take the bucket with you…”

“…But if she goes below deck, she’ll miss the flying fishes…”, André said…

“…You’re crazy guys…”, Julie answered, laughing… “Since when do fishes fly, huh?”

“Oh but they do! I swear to you…”, I answered… “It’s true Julie… there are fishes that do fly… 
Their true name is Exocoetidae. They are found in warm tropical or subtropical waters, so that’s why you never heard about them before… And you’ll see… their most striking feature is their pectoral fins that are unusually large and enable them to fly through air like birds… I swear to you it’s true…”

“Yeah, yeah. Exocoetidae huh? A new word you’ve just invented to make fun of me?”

“You’ll see…”, I answered, grinning… “You’ll see…”

We sailed out of harbor and later as we were sailing South, my brother said to Julie:

“…You see that small island over there?”

“Yes…”

“That’s the “Table du Diable” island… Now grab the rope here and hold on to it, okay?”

She did as told…

Then we braced ourselves and we entered the St.Lucia Channel. But just before we did, I had time to push the button on the CD player so the most appropriate music would blast through the speakers while we were “riding” the big waves: Wagner! Yup! Overtures from Wagner’s “Tannhäuser”, “Die Feen” and “The Flying Dutchman”…

And when we entered the Channel, we heard Julie shout:

“…Oh my God… Ohhhhhhhh…. my God!” And it didn’t take long before she turned a nice shade of… green in her face!

“Yup!”, my bro said, laughing…

Moments later, I looked at her and saw her take the bucket into her hands and she started to throw up into it…

“…Now you know what the bucket is for…”, André said to her, laughing…

“…That’s normal…”, Robert said to her, laughing… “It’s always like that the first time. You’ll get use to it. And I’m not laughing at you, I swear. But… well, I just can’t stop laughing…

Julie was much too busy throwing up to answer my bro… She just looked at him with mad eyes…

Depending on the wind, it usually takes about three hours to sail from Martinique to St.Lucia… But Julie never went below deck. I think she stayed with the three of us on the bridge just because she wanted to see the flying fishes. And she did!

“…Ohhhhh”, she shouted at one point…”But, you were not lying to me… they are really flying”…

“Told you so…”, I answered, grinning… as long, silver fishes were flying all around us…jumping out of the water, their long fins acting just like wings… 

“…There’s a plastic bag under your seat Julie. Take it. I put some pieces of bread into it. Now, throw some pieces up into the air as far as you can and you’ll see the fishes fly to catch them…”, I said, laughing…

At that, she started to throw some pieces of bread high into the air and she began laughing as she saw fishes flying from the distance to catch them… Yup! She was no longer seasick, had forgotten all about that… and was having fun now!

Later that day, we anchored the boat at Rodney Bay. A small motorboat came to our boat and we went ashore…

“…I feel like if I was still on the boat, riding the waves…”, Julie said…

“Yeah. That’s normal. You’ll feel like that for a while…”, my brother answered, laughing…

“Oh… and before we forget… I must tell you about the Rastas…”, I said to her, grinning…

“Huh?”

“Yeah”, I said, grinning, looking at my brother and at André…

“You see Julie, around here you’ll see a lot of guys with dreadlocks. They are Rastas… and are part of the Rastafari movement. It’s kind of a religion and philosophy that accepts Haïle Selassie, the last emperor of Ethiopia who died in the 1970s, as Jah… short form of Jehovah. They believe he is part of the Holy Trinity… So that’s why you’ll see lots of Ethiopian flags around here and lots of pictures of Haïle Selassie…”

“…But that’s crazy”, she said, looking at me…

“Hey… who are we to say that that’s crazy huh? That’s what they believe in, and we must respect that…”, my brother answered…

“Rastas are very friendly guys, you don’t have to be scared of them. They are very peaceful and they love every one”, I explained to her. “You know about Reggae music and Bob Marley?”

“Yes… sure”, she answered…

“Well, Reggae was invented by Rastas… and Bob Marley was a Rasta…”

“If we tell you that Julie, it’s not only because you’ll see friendly guys with dreadlocks all around the place here, but also because… well…also because Rastas like to smoke ganja, and they will offer some to you, for you to smoke…” my brother explained to her…

“Ganja? What’s that?”, she asked…

“Cannabis…”, André answered, grinning… “To them, smoking cannabis is a spiritual act… they consider it a sacrament to cleans the body and mind. In their religion, it exalts the consciousness, facilitates peacefulness and brings them closer to Jah!”

“So… please, don’t argue with them about their religion and if they offer you to smoke ganja with them, just smile and say it’s against your religion. They will understand and will respect that. No problem… But don’t argue! You understand?”, I said…

“Yes…”

“Okay. Now let’s go…”

We all walked over to “Le lime”, the best restaurant-bar-night-club in Rodney Bay and had lots of fun. We had a few “Piton” there, the delicious local beer… and as we were dancing, I heard someone shout at me:

“…Hey… Jack…”

I turned to look at who was calling my name and saw Marc, a guy that used to work at Club Med with Mike…”

“…Hey Marc: How the hell are you doing? What are you doing here?”

“…I’m fine dude. I’m so happy to see you….”

“Are you still working at “Les Boucaniers?”

“Sure. But I’m off today and tomorrow… And so are Tony, Julien and Suzy… we are all here…”

“Suzy is here?”, I asked…

“Yes… Let me find them for you… don’t leave, huh?”

“No, no…” I answered, laughing…

A few minutes later, Marc was back with Tony, Julien and Suzy. They all hugged me and I introduced them to Julie, André and to my brother…

“…They all work at Club Med… they used to work with Mike…”, I explained…

“We still miss him…”, Suzy said, with tears in her eyes, hugging me tight. “And we miss you too…”

“We all do…”, Tony added…

“Don’t worry guys… Mike is with us tonight”, I joyfully said… “So let’s have fun tonight okay?”

“Yeah…”, they all answered…

After supper, we all made it to Gros-Îslet, a small village nearby, were people were dancing in the streets as they always do on Friday nights! Reggae music was everywhere to be heard, and people were having fun… and of course, a few Rastas offered Julie to smoke some ganja, but she politely refused, explaining it was against her own religion…

“…Hey sister… I’ve got no problem with that”, a Rasta told her… with a big smile on his face. “Want to dance?”

“Sure”, Julie answered, smiling…

And we all joined them, dancing the night away…

“…Hey guys”, I later asked Suzy and the others from Club Med… “Where are you going to sleep tonight?”

“…Don’t know. On the beach I guess…”, Tony answered, grinning…

“You could come back with us to our boat and sleep there”, I suggested…

“Could we?”, Julien asked me…

“Sure. No problem…”, my bro answered…

Later that night we all made it to our boat, laughing all the way…

We all settled below deck as well as we could. The place was a bit cramped, but we managed…

A bit later, as the others had fallen asleep, I silently made my way up to the deck and began gazing at the stars. The night was warm and so beautiful. As I was gazing at all the stars up in the sky, I heard someone walk on the deck in my direction. I turned to look at who it was and saw Suzy there, walking towards me…

“…You couldn’t sleep, huh?”, she asked, giving me a nice smile…

“No. I just wanted to come up here and gaze at the stars for a while…”, I answered, grinning…

“Yeah.”, she answered, sitting right next to me.

We remained silent for a while, both of us gazing at the stars…

“(…) How are you doing Jack? I mean…”, she asked, turning across to look at me…

“You mean… since Mike…”

“Yeah”, she answered, with a sad look on her face…

“… I’m doing my best Suzy. My best. What else can I do?”

“It’s so unjust…”, she answered, placing her arm around my shoulder…

“Yeah”, I answered, looking at her… “But life goes on… and so I’m going on with my life Suzy…”

“…I’m going back to France next month. My contract with Club Med will be over and I think it’s time for me to go on with my life too…”, she answered…

“Guess so huh?”

“Jack… there’s something I’d like to ask you. Something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Well… I’ve asked you a long time ago and at the time you said “no thanks”…

I turned across to look at her and grinned. Then I said:

“…To make love with you, huh?”

“Yeah”, she answered, grinning. “But that’s not what I want to ask you tonight. Of course, I’d like to make love with you, but I know you would refuse… So I’m not asking. But what I’d like…”

“…Yes”…

“I’d like you to kiss me Jack. Just kiss me. Could you do that? Just once. For me…”

I took her into my arms and we started kissing. French-kissing.

“…Like that?”, I asked her, as our lips parted…

“…Yeah! Just like that”, she softly answered. “Just like that. Oh God… I wished you were straight Jack… I would rape you right here, right now…”

I grinned and French-kissed her again…

“…Do you know what Suzy?”, I later asked her… “I’ve never made love to a girl before. Never. Now I couldn’t make love to you, cause I’m not in love with you… but maybe… I don’t know… maybe we could have sex together… Would you teach me? I’d like to try it…”

She grinned and said:

“…Hey… I have two condoms…”

“One will be enough…”, I answered, laughing…

“Let’s do it…”

So that night, under the stars, I had sex with a woman for the first time of my life. It was good… but not as good as having sex with another guy. Sure, Suzy was quite an “expert”… and she had a lot of experience! I knew that! And she did all the right things. She was good. But as I said… well, having sex with a guy is so different…

“…I wish you weren’t gay Jack. I could fall in love with you, you know…”, she later said…

“Sorry Suzy. It was good… but…”

“I know, I know… What a waste…”, she answered, grinning… 

“Thanks Suzy. Now I know how it feels to have sex with a woman… and you were perfect Suzy. You really were….”

“Really?”

“Yeah”, I answered, grinning…

“But I failed to turn you into a straight guy, huh?”

“I’m afraid so”, I answered, laughing… “But tell me Suzy: How was it for you? I mean… was I good?”

She looked at me straight in he eyes and answered:

“Ohhhhh… you were so good… Can I tell you something else?”

“Sure. What?”

“…You see Jack… I never convinced Mike to have sex with me. (…) And I was kind of jealous of you two. You were so much in love with one another. I just wished I could have shared that love with you two… And when you and I had sex, I felt like if you were finally sharing a bit of that love with me… I know it doesn’t make sense…”

“…Look at me Suzy. What you say makes perfect sense. Yes… I shared a bit of that love with you tonight. I’m sure Mike would have wanted me to know how it feels to have sex with a woman. And I wanted to make it with you cause you knew Mike… you know how he was and who he was. And you know how much I was in love with him. How come you were here today, in St.Lucia? How come we met here, of all places? Huh? That’s what destiny is all about. Mike really loved you Suzy. The first night I saw you at Club Med, I thought… well to tell the truth, I thought you were a slut! But Mike told me you weren’t… that you had a big heart. He defended you! And later, as I began to know you better, I realized that he was right. You’re a fine lady Suzy! Yes you are. I’m sure that if we met today, Mike has something to do with that. Once, I told him that I wanted to have sex with a girl… just to see how it was to have sex with a woman. I understand that you never had sex with him, but he knew you. Better than you think. He never said that I should have sex with you. No. But I know that that’s what he was thinking about. And he was right cause you’re the best Suzy! I’m so happy I did it with you. Really. I’m not disappointed… but now I know for sure who I am and what I am… and I’m gay Suzy. If I ever had a small doubt in my mind that I could be bisexual, now I no longer have. I’m not bisexual. Not because I didn’t enjoy having sex with you Suzy! Shit no. You were great! The best! It has nothing to do with you. I swear. But something was missing. Now I know for sure that I need to be with a man… do you see what I mean? It’s not easy to explain…” 

“… I understand. But Jack?”

“…Yes?”

“You were good! I know I’m wrong… but I felt like you were really making love to me. It felt so good… You did all the right things… you were in no hurry, you kissed me tenderly… like if you wanted me to feel as much pleasure as possible… and shit! You did pleasure me dude! You did… I wished all the guys were like you. But they aren’t. I swear to you they are not. They just take their pleasure, and after it’s over for them they don’t care about how I feel…You’re so tender Jack. Why are the best lovers all gays, huh? Why?”

“…I don’t know…”, I answered, laughing my heart out… “But again… thanks Suzy… and I sure hope that one day, you’ll meet the right guy for you…”

“…You too Jack. One day, you’ll find the right guy for you. You will Jack! You have so much love to give…”

Later that night Suzy and I fell asleep on the deck, stark naked… and that’s how my brother found us, early the morning after…

“Um… guys? (…) I think you should get dressed…”, he said, waking us up… “The others are about to join us up here, and I don’t think you’d like them to see you… Um…”

“Yeah yeah…”, I answered, laughing… “Could you go below deck and fetch my swimsuit for me? I think I’ll take a dive…”

“Sure. Wait for me…”, Robert answered…

“Where the hell would I go, huh?”, I answered, laughing my ass off…

While my bro was going below deck to fetch my swimsuit, Suzy got dressed… so when he came back he gave me my swimsuit and I put it on, then took a dive into the warm sea…

Later, as Suzy had gone below deck and as I was making it back onto the boat Robert looked at me, grinning…

“…So bro? Did I miss something last night?”

“Um… you mean…”

“Yeah! You know damn well what I mean?”

“Oh! That. Well…”

“Did you, or did you not?”

I grinned and answered:

“Have sex with her? Yeah. I did. And it was good Robert. But I’m sorry to report to you bro that she didn’t turn me into a straight guy. Sorry…”

“…Well… if she didn’t succeed, no other woman will! Did you see her? Like WOW…”

“Hey you… you have a fiancée sleeping below deck, remember?”

“Yeah… but it’s not because you’re on a diet that you can’t look at the menu you know…”

I burst out laughing and answered:

“You’re so right. And should you care to know… let me tell you that she’s good! You don’t know what you’re missing bro…”

“Get lost!”

“Ohhhhh did you see those boobs? Did you?”, I answered, laughing…

Robert was laughing… then he began walking away from me as if to hide from me… So what do you think I did? Yup! I began to run after him all over the deck, telling him:

“…Did you look at her tits, huh? Tell me Robert… How long did you stay there, watching us huh? Just tell me…”

Poor Robert! He couldn’t help it and burst out laughing…

“…Long enough to see you two naked… in all your glory…”, he answered, laughing…

“Yeah? So… don’t tell me you didn’t see how good she looks…”

“I already told you she’s fantastic! What else can I say huh? Stop running after me like that…”

“Yeah? So… admit it… you just wished you could be in my place huh? Admit it Robert… Admit it…”, I shouted at him, still running after him…

“Hey… I’m out of breath! Stop that, okay!”, he said, sitting on a cushion… “You’ve got to stop running after me like that, cause we will wake up everyone below deck!”, my bro said, out of breath…

I smiled at him and sat right next to him.

He turned across to look at me and said:

“…Sure I looked at her. I mean… I’m a man you know! But then, I looked at you bro, and seeing you naked like that made me realized that you’re no longer a kid. You’re a grown man Jack. Of course I already knew that… but seeing you like that, well it just hit me like a train! I mean… sure I’ve seen you naked before, but that’s so long ago. Back then, you were still my baby brother! You're still my baby brother but… now I fully realize that you’re no longer a kid. You know what bro? When I looked at you, I felt so proud of you… not because you were there with a woman. No. It had nothing to do with that. If it would have been Mike instead of Suzy, I still would have felt proud of you. I don’t know why. But that’s how I felt!”

“Hey… I love you bro” I answered, looking at him. “Now, just give me a big hug”.

And we hugged for a while. Then, since we were sitting on cushions right next to the rail, and as the rail was a bit lower than our butts, I forced my brother to lean back and before he knew it, he fell into the water with me still wearing his shorts and his T-shirt.

As we were falling down to the water all he said was:

“Ohhhhh you’ll pay for that…”

Once in the water, he tried to catch me… but couldn’t since I’m a much better swimmer than he is… and before long, he was out of breath…”

“…Here. Let me help you bro!”, I told him, a bit later. Of course, I was laughing my ass off…

“You’ll never change, huh?”, Robert said to me, laughing and looking at me as we were swimming back towards the boat…

“Nope. Never” I answered, laughing too…

“…Anyway, I don’t want you to change Jack. That’s the way I love you bro. And I’m proud that you’re my brother…”

I stopped swimming and stared at Robert for a second…

“…That’s the nicest thing you ever told me Robert. You’re serious?”

“Never been more serious in my life Jack. Never…”

Once we had reached the boat I help him make his way up onto it. Once there, he turned and gave me his hand to pull me out of the water. I took his hand and I looked up at him. We both had tears in our eyes. He pulled me out of the water and once on deck, he looked at me and said:

“I’ll always be there for you bro…”

I did my very best not to start crying. Then I looked at Robert and said:

“…Look bro. You’ve always been there for me in the past. And I want you to know that, should you ever need me or need my help, I’ll be there for you. I’ll be there. I’ll never ask questions… I’ll never judge you… whatever you do, if you need me I’ll be there for you.” I answered. “You know Robert… I realize that I never really told you how much I love you. I always thought that you would think that that’s a sissy thing to say to another man. But hey, I don’t care. You said you’re proud of me being your brother? Well, I’m proud to have you as a brother Robert. So proud. And I want you to know that I love Julie as much as if she was my sister…”

“I know that. And she knows that too. She told me so. She knows you love her very much. Now, there’s something else Julie and I have talked about…”

“What?”

“We’ll get married soon… and we pray the Lord that, one day, we’ll have a baby. Now look at me Jack. Look at me straight in the eyes. Yeah. Like that… Now, if we do have a baby… will you accept to be his or her godfather? That’s what Julie and I talked about… and … it would mean so much to the both of us…”