My German Lover: The Epilogue

Richard was staring at me with tears in his eyes. For a while, we remained silent. Then he said:

“…Will you help me Jack? Will you?”

“If I can, I will. But on that road… I can’t hold your hand Richard. You will have to walk down that road all alone. You have to do it by yourself and for yourself. If you have questions… sure, I will be there for you. I’ll do all I can to help you. But I can’t give you “the” answer you’re looking for. You understand?”

“(…)”

“Now Richard… it’s my turn to ask you something…”

“What?”

“Please Richard… leave me alone…”

“Are you throwing me out of here?”

“No no… that’s not what I meant… You will always be welcome here Richard. You can stay here as long as you want. I don’t mind. Really. What I mean is that please, don’t make me fall in love with you again. Please. Don’t make me suffer. I’ve suffered enough already. If you love me, please let me go on with my life. Don’t try to seduce me. Don’t make me do things I don’t want to do. Can you do that Richard?”

“Yes. But before I do that… I want you to hug me. I want you to take me into your arms. I want to feel your warmth. And…”

“And what?”… I asked…

“I want you to kiss me. One last time. Like you did…”

“One last time? You swear?”

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and gave me a very nice smile.

“Yes. I swear. One last time…”

I took him into my arms and we hugged for a while. Then I looked at him. He tilted his head to the side and I moved mine towards his. His eyes fluttered until they closed. Then my full lips touched his and we started kissing. My eyes closed and our kiss intensified. It felt hungry… I locked my arms around Richard’s shoulders… and I gave him all I had to give. And this time, he responded! 

“…You see Richard? You’re learning!”, I later told him. “You have so much to give Richard… stop thinking about you, and start thinking about the other. Start giving and stop taking…”

“…You have a hardon…”, he answered, grinning…

I grinned and answered:

“Hey… you don’t fare any better, from what I can see…”

“Yeah….”

“Now Richard, let me go back to sleep, will you?”

“Okay. (…) Do you mind if … if I wank?”

“Nope. But please, don’t shoot on my back!”

He burst out laughing and said:

“Don’t worry. I won’t.”

I turned the light off and tried to go back to sleep… but of course, I didn’t go back to sleep just like that since I had that gorgeous guy laying beside me, moaning… and jacking off…

“… Okay”, I finally said, laughing my ass off. “Let’s jack off together like when we were fifteen…”

“Yeah”, Richard answered, laughing… “Let’s do it. The first one to shoot is the best!”

“Yeah. Sure. You’ve been jacking off for a while so it’s clear you’ll be the first to shoot. That’s not fair!”

“Who said anything about being fair, huh?”

“…Go to hell…”, I answered.

And sure enough, he came first!

After that night, Richard stopped bugging me about having sex with him. He went on with his life, and I went on with mine. Did he find the answer he was looking for? I don’t know. I’m not sure he did. Since then, he has had several girlfriends. He has not changed. He’s the same guy he was and has always been! But he’s my best friend, and I love him dearly.

The day I was sworn in as a lawyer, he was there, along with my family. He hugged me tight and said:

“…I’m so proud of you Jack. So proud. You made it! You did! I love you pal…”

“Thanks Richard”, was all I could answer…

Richard never furthered his studies. He even had a big fight with his parents about that… and for at least a year, he hasn’t talked to his mum.

He has gone from one odd job to another. He’s living alone at the moment, in a small apartment. And he’s struggling to make ends meet. I know he does. But he never complains. Very often, I offer to give him some money to help him out, but he always refuses. He’s a proud guy, and I respect that. And when he knocks on my door… and spends a few days over at my place, then I know that his fridge is empty. I’ve tried to convince him to go back to school, but to no avail. I’ve tried everything. All I can do for him is to be there for him when he needs me. And I’m always there for him. I’ll always be there for him. Always.

As for me… well, I was going on with my life…

One night I got a call. It was late at night… but not that late. I answered… and who was at the other end of the line: Heinrich! From Berlin!

I had always kept in touch with him… and many times, I had invited him to come to America….

“…Were you serious about inviting me?”

“Sure dude.”

“In your last email to me said you intend to spend two weeks in Martinique next July?”

“…Yes… Then I will go to Paris, to spend some time with my cousins over there…”

“Good. Tell me when you’re going to be in Martinique, and I’ll join you there…”

“Are you serious?”

“Yup! Dead serious…”

I told Heinrich when I was going to be in Martinique, and what flight I was going to be on to fly from Fort-de-France to Paris…

“Perfect. Anyway I have to fly to Paris to take a flight from there to go to Martinique, so I’ll make sure we’re on the same flight when you fly to Paris. What do you think?”

“Great”

Heinrich did join me in Martinique, and we had a lot of fun there. I showed him around… and he loved his stay. It was his last trip as a “bachelor”, since he was getting married at the end of that summer.

Of course, I did ask him if… you know… if he had ever gone back to the night club where we had been when Mike and I were in Berlin…

The answer was no. Not that he didn’t want to go back… but he didn’t want to go back there alone.

No. Heinrich and I never had sex together. He was a good friend but that’s all. In fact, he’s still a good friend of mine.

But while he was in Martinique with me, something came up…

“I need to talk to you”, Will told me over the phone one night… “Will you be home tomorrow morning?”

“Sure. But why do you need to talk to me? Is there something wrong?”

“…Don’t worry. No. But I’d like to talk to you about something…”

“Okay. I’ll wait for you tomorrow morning…”

True enough, the morning after Will came over to our house. Alone. I invited him in and we had a coffee together…

“…What’s going on Will. I can see on your face that you’re worried. What’s going on…”

“Well… A few days ago, Paul got a call from Catherine…”

“…Yes…”

“She’s not well Jack. I think she’s very sick. And Paul doesn’t want to talk about it, but I know he’s worried.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry to hear that…”

“Yes. I’ve tried to convince Paul to go to Paris to see her before… well, before it’s too late… but he worries about me. He shouldn’t. Of course, I’m not well enough to travel to Paris… and I can’t go there with him. If I could, I would. But I talked to François, and he said that if Paul finally decides to go to Paris, he will come to Bagatelle and stay with us while Paul is gone. That way, Paul would feel secure…”

“…Good idea…”

“Yes”, he answered, looking at me with a very nice smile… “But there’s a small problem…”

“What?”

“Well… Paul is in good health… I mean, he doesn’t even take pills at night to go to sleep! (…) But… to travel to Paris all alone, well… I don’t think that would be safe. You know… he has not been there for quite a while, and I don’t see him at that new airport in Paris… all alone. He could go with one of Ludwig’s grandsons… or one of Hans’… but he said no. He said he does not want to bother them… that they are working, and that they have other things to do. Ludwig has offered to go with him… but hey… Ludwig tends to forget he’s not young anymore…”

“Un-huh. I see…”

“Do you?”…

“Yup! I do. And I will. Come with me…”

We walked to the kitchen where Heinrich was having his breakfast…

“Hey Heinrich… Someone else will be traveling back to Paris with us!”

“Oh yes? Who?”

“Paul!”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope. Will you help me?”

“Sure”, he answered with a big smile on his face… “But as you know, as soon as we’ll get to the airport in Paris, I have to take another flight to Berlin…”

“…No problem. I’ll manage from there…”, I answered, grinning. Then I turned to Will and said:

“Do you have your credit card with you?”

“…Yes. Why?”

“Wait for me…”.

I walked over to my bedroom and got my airplane tickets from Fort-de-France to Paris…

“Here. Call Air France, and ask them if they still have a seat available on that flight… And if so, take it…”

He did just that and yes, there was a seat available. He reserved that seat for Paul and paid with his credit card…

“…That’s it my friend”, I told him a bit later… “Paul is coming with us. And once in Paris, don’t worry, I’ll take care of him…”

I had never seen such a big smile on Will’s face before. He was beaming like a child!

“…I’ll never forget what you’re doing for us Jack. Never…”

“Stop that Will. It’s nothing. Beside, you and Paul have always been there for me when I needed you. It’s my turn to help you. And it’s not much…”

“Oh yes, it is…”

I wasn’t there when Will told Paul about it all. All I know is that, later that night, Paul called me:

“…You’re crazy! I’m old, in case you haven’t notice. Are you sure you want to…”

“Stop Paul. Stop right now. You hear? Stop. We’re going and that’s it! Period. But Paul…”

“What”, he answered, laughing…

“You know… your suitcase… the one made out of a crocodile skin?”

“…Yes?”

“Well… leave it at Bagatelle, will you? Please! Um… do you have a more… modern suitcase?”

Now, Paul was laughing his ass off…

“…Do you mean that you would be ashamed to be seen in my company with that suitcase?”

“… That… and nowadays, those reptiles are protected. I don’t want you to get arrested at the airport for having such a suitcase in your possession…”

Paul was still laughing…

“I bought it in Paris I’ll have you know…”, he answered…

“Yeah. But when?”

“Oh… I’d say… in 1949 or in 1950… maybe…”

“Yeah. Leave it at Bagatelle, will you?”

“Okay…”

“Yeah. Do that…” I answered, laughing my ass off…

The day we were about to leave for the airport Paul’s driver came to our house to fetch Heinrich and me. Then, we went back to Bagatelle… and Paul got into the car.

“Ready?”, I asked him…

“…I can’t believe I’m doing this…” he answered, shaking his head from right to left…

“…Have you said goodbye to Will?”

“What do you think? I told him… and to Ludwig and Lutz not to come outside to see us leave, cause I didn’t want the two of you to see old men like us cry like babies… But look over there…”, he said, pointing to one of the big windows…

Yup. They were all there, looking at us through that window, waving at us…

“Now Henri, take us to Fort-de France, before I change my mind”, Paul said to his driver…

Later the three of us boarded the plane with Paul sitting between Heinrich and me.

“…Ready?”, I asked him, as we were about to take off…

“I can’t believe I’m doing that. I can’t…”, he answered.

“You’ve already said that. Many times. Don’t start doting…”, I answered, laughing…

Paul turned across to look at me… then burst out laughing…

“No. I won’t…”

When we got to the airport in Paris, a car was waiting for us there since Catherine had been told we were coming.

I hugged Heinrich one last time, and he left us to take his connecting flight to Berlin…

“…Don’t forget to tell me how things went, huh?” he said, as we were hugging…

“Don’t worry my friend… everything will be fine. Trust me. Have a good flight back to Berlin. I just wish I could be there when you get married. Just to see your face when you will say “yes”…

“…I’ll send you pictures…”

“I count on you…”, I answered with tears in my eyes. “Take good care my friend. You’re precious to me…”

“…And so are you to me…”, he said, as he was leaving… “So are you Jack…”

Catherine’s driver took us to Avenue Foch where she was waiting for us…

“… You will be staying here with us…”, Catherine told me…

“Thanks. But no. I’ll leave you two alone. I had planned to stay at my Aunt’s and I don’t want to disappoint her. But thanks for the offer. And you have my phone number there, so if you need me, you know where to reach me…”

While we were in Paris, each morning I called Paul to make sure everything was okay. They were having a ball, that I could tell…

One morning when I called Paul told me:

“…Do you know where we went yesterday?”

“No. Where?”

“…To Bagatelle…”

“Huh?”

Was he doting or what? Bagatelle? I mean…

“…Yes. The real one…”

“Ohhhh… You went there?”

“Yes. Hey… it still belongs to me you know…”

“Yes. You told me so. Sorry. I thought you were talking about…”

“…I’m not that old you know! I haven’t lost my marbles yet…”

“No. Of course. Sorry…”

“So… did you enjoy your trip there?”

“Immensely… I’ll tell you later about that…”

“Good…”

“… We’re leaving the day after tomorrow, aren’t we?”

“…Yes…” I answered…

“Fine. Are you free tomorrow night for diner?”

“…Yes, why?”

“Catherine wants you to join us for diner here, on Avenue Foch… Could you come?”

“…Yes Paul. I will be there”…

That night, I took a cab to Avenue Foch. They were waiting for me. We went to the drawing-room and had Champagne there. We talked a lot about Mike… and I showed Catherine the gold chain she had given to me and that I’m still wearing to this day…”

“…As for Mike…”, I started so say…

“Yes dear. I know. Paul told me. You did the right thing son. I’m so sorry that…”

“Yes” I answered, interrupting her. We all had tears in our eyes, and I didn’t want that conversation to continue…

“Yes”, Catherine answered. “I was wondering if…”

“…If I would accept to play that song for the two of you?”

She smiled at me and so did Paul…

“Yes, I will”, I answered, smiling…

At that, I walked over to the piano… sat on the bench and looked at the sheet music in front of me… and I grinned.

“…I guess you were expecting me to play that song, huh? Don’t tell me the sheet music has been standing there since the last time I was here, huh?”

“No”, Catherine answered, laughing… “You’re right son. Paul and I talked about it yesterday… and I looked around to find the sheet music…so you could play that song for us…”

“Okay”, I answered, looking at the two of them…

And I played the song for them.

At one point, I raised my eyes and looked at them. They were sitting on the same sofa, side by side… and they were holding hands. I did my best not to start crying. I had tears in my eyes and it took all my effort to finish playing the song. Once I had played the last note we all stayed silent for a while. Then Catherine said:

“Thanks Jack. Tonight, you made an old lady very happy…”

“…And an old man too…”, Paul added.

I didn’t look at them… because I knew that if I had, I would have started crying… and I didn’t want that to happen.

When it had been decided that Paul would be traveling to Paris with me, I had changed my airplane tickets so that instead of flying from Paris to Montréal, I would fly with him from Paris to Fort-de-France where I would take another plane to Montréal a few days later… We didn’t want him to fly all alone from Paris to Fort-de-France…

The day we were leaving, I took a cab and went to meet him on Avenue Foch. Catherine’s driver was there, waiting for us to take us to the airport. The driver took my luggage and I walked up the stairs to where Catherine and Paul were standing…

“… Get well Catherine…”, I told her, hugging her. “I love you…”

“…I love you too Jack. And I don’t know how to thank you for having brought Paul to me like you did. Not only are you a gentleman Jack… but you’re a very fine young man. I wish you the very best. Only the best…”

Now… what do you think happened? Yes. While hugging her, I started crying. It’s not my fault. It seems that I can’t control my emotions… much less my tears.