My German Lover: The Epilogue

Hearing that, I began crying like a baby… My brother took me into his arms and softly said:

“…Would you accept?”

“…Sure”, I answered, sobbing.

And indeed, my brother and Julie got married a few months later… and sure enough they later had a baby they named Jean-Jacques (John-Jack…). 

And the day that lovely child was baptized, I was proudly holding him into my arms like if he was my own son. And when the priest asked me if I would take care of him as my own son, should something bad ever happen to his parents, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and answered:

“…I sure would. Have no doubt about that…”

The priest looked at me, then he looked at the rest of the others that were present and, with a big smile on his face he said:

“I have no doubt this man here is worthy of serving as godfather to that child….”

And he was so right! To this day, I love Jean-Jacques as much as if he was my own child.

And a year later, Julie and my brother Robert had a second child. Another boy.

Of course, I’m not his godfather… But I love him as much as I love Jean-Jacques and I treat them equally: What I give to one, I give to the other! And do you know what? I think they love me very much. Strike that. I “know” they love me very much. Trust me. I know. 

Anyway. Back to the story.

Eventually, we all went back to Montréal.

I never saw Suzy again. I don’t know where she is now. But I sure hope that she finally found a guy that was right for her, and that he’s madly in love with her…

A few months later, one night, as I was alone at home watching TV, someone rang my condo. I switched channels, to see who was down there for me since it was rather late at night… And who do you think was there? Yup. Richard. And he was carrying a bag with him. I took the phone and answered him:

“Hey pal… what the hell are you doing down there…”

“I need your help… Can I come?”

“Sure pal… I’ll open up for you…”

Moments later, he was at my door.

“Come on in pal…”, I said with a smile on my face…

“Sorry. I know it’s late…” Richard answered, a little embarrassed…

“No problem dude. You know you’re always welcome here…”

“Yeah! I think that’s the only place where I’m welcome nowadays…”

I didn’t answer that….

“So… Tell me… what’s going on”, I asked…

“ What do you think? (…) She threw me out…”

“Mary? Your girlfriend?”

“My ex-girlfriend you should say…”

“Oh. Sorry to hear about that…”, I answered…

“Can I stay here for a while… I mean, I don’t know where else to go…”

“Sure. Stay for as long as you want…”, I answered, grinning…

I should never have said that! Shit!

“Thanks dude. You’re a real friend to me…”

“I’ve always been there for you, haven’t I?”

“…Yes…”

“So… take your bag to the guest room. You’ll be sleeping there… and I’ve changed the sheets since the last time you slept there. Anyway, you’re the one that sleeps there most of the time so I guess it’s like your room by now…”, I answered, laughing…

“Right. Thanks…”

He went into his bedroom… then took a shower. He didn’t ask me if he could take a shower. He just walked into my bedroom and took a shower in the shower I have in my bedroom. Now I must explain that there’s another bathroom in my condo, where there’s a shower. Why did he choose to take his shower in my shower? I don’t know. But at the time, I didn’t make a fuss about that.

After his shower, he walked back into the living room where I was watching a late movie…

“…Something good you’re watching?” he asked, looking at me…

I turned across to look at him and realized he was only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist….

“No” I answered, looking at him. “It’s bad… just a silly movie…”

And at that, I pushed on the “off” button to shut the TV off… “So… tell me Richard… what’s going on?”

“What’s going on? I told you. She threw me out of her apartment! Just like that! I’ll spare you the details but she said that I’m a scum… and that she wanted me out of her life. Anyway, I never loved her, so I don’t really care…”

“I see… But then, why did you move in with her in the first place if you never loved her?”

“Oh… I don’t know. What can I say? I just don’t know why I did it… I should never have done that…”

“Anyway it’s over with her, is it?”

“Sure is…”

“… What do you intend to do?”

“Hey pal… you’re not my mother… so stop asking me questions like that okay?”

“…Hey…. Sorry I asked! No… I’m not your mother. And I sure don’t intend to take your mother’s place. But see… just in case you forgot pal… may I remind you that you’re in my condo right now. You’ve parked your ass on my sofa, and it’s two o’clock in the morning… and unless I’m wrong, you intend to sleep over here tonight. I have no problem with that Richard. None at all. You’re my best friend and you’re always welcome here. But see… if I asked you about your intentions, it’s because maybe… just maybe… it would be nice for me to know if you intend to stay here for one night only, or if you intend to stay for a week, a month or even a year. See what I mean pal? As for the rest, it’s none of my business.!

He looked at me for a while. Rather, I should say that he stared at me for a while. Then he said:

“…I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t Jack. I guess that my life is a mess…(…) You’re so lucky to have all what you have…”

“What? (…) Hey pal, wake up! I’ve been through so much, you have no idea….”

“…You’ve been admitted to law school, and you’re doing great!”, he answered…

“Maybe. But I worked hard to get admitted there. And while I was spending so many hours studying, what the hell were you doing huh? You were having fun! You were going to parties. You have girlfriends scattered all over town. You’re good-looking and you know it. You take advantage of that and you seduce one girl after the other. Now please, don’t come to me and say that I’m lucky… cause I wasn’t lucky! Tell me all you want… but don’t tell me that! Me? Lucky? No dude. And I’m gonna tell you something else Richard: To a certain degree, you make your own luck! Anyway… I don’t want to go into that tonight cause I’m bushed, and I’m going to bed. Good night Richard. You know you way to your room…”

At that I left him there… and walked to my bedroom. I closed my door and went to bed.

I was mad! Real mad!

During that night, something woke me up. I raised my head from my pillow and saw that my door had been opened. Richard was standing there only wearing boxers, with a hand on the doorknob. Although it was quite dark, I could feel he was staring at me…

“…What the hell are you doing there?”, I asked him, a bit annoyed…

“…I couldn’t sleep…”

“…So you just decided you would wake me up huh? Is that it?”

“…Sorry if I woke you up…”

I turned to look at my clock and saw it was almost 4am….”

“Shit! Do you know what time it is?”

“…No…”

“…Well… it’s almost four… Come on Richard, please… go back to sleep will you?”

“…Can I sleep with you?”

“WHAT?”, I exclaimed… What the hell do you mean? Here? In my bed? (…) Look Richard, you have your own bed, so go back to it and go back to sleep, please.”

“I can’t. I feel so lonely… Please Jack… let me sleep in bed with you. Please…”

“Stop that Richard. You sound like a child! And I’m not your father… so please, go back to bed okay?”

“NO. You’ve always said that you would be there for me should I need you. Well… I need you right now. Not tomorrow. Not the day after tomorrow. Right now! I need you Jack….”

Shit, I said to myself. What a bastard! He knew exactly what to say to make me feel bad! To make me feel guilty! Cause that’s exactly how he made me feel: Guilty! He made me feel cheap!

“…Oh okay Richard. I’m sorry. Come in”… I answered, tossing the sheets so he could lay down into bed beside me…

“…But I’m telling you Richard. Don’t snore. And don’t fart. And don’t take all the place… and don’t push me out of the bed cause I’ll kill you before the night is over”

“Can I breathe?”

“Barely… and not into my ear…”, I answered, laughing…

“Thanks Jack. You’re a pal…”

“Yeah yeah…”

So Richard hopped into my bed and lay down beside me…”

“…Are you sleeping in the nude?”, he asked me…

“YES! I always do. And you know what Richard: I wasn’t expecting you to join me in my bed tonight so sorry… I forgot to wear my suit and neck tie when I went to bed earlier…”

“…Smartass”

“Now go to sleep Richard. Please!”

“Hey… I have already fallen asleep…”, he answered, laughing… “you’re the one that woke me up…”

“Continue like that and you’ll be dead before the sun rises…”

It did take me some time… but in the end, believe it or not… I did go back to sleep. But not for long….

“…What the hell are you doing Richard. Why the hell do you have your arms around me like that huh?” I said to him when I awoke to find he was holding me in his arms…

“…I thought you were sleeping…”

“Yeah? Well… you woke me up if you care to know…”

“I can see that” he answered. And from the tone of his voice, I knew he was laughing…

“Richard… What are you doing?”

“…I’m doing what you did to me a while ago…”

“WHAT? A while ago?… Richard… that was years ago! Are you crazy or what? Stop that Richard…”

“Stop what?”

“…What you’re doing… are you trying to jack me off or what?”, I answered…

“Don’t you want me to? Huh? Tell me Jack… be honest…” 

“STOP right now Richard. Stop that. Please…”

“I don’t understand. Hey… that’s what you wanted, no?”

I turned around in the bed and looked at him in the dark. Then I said to him:

“Oh Richard… Yes. At the time, that’s what I wanted. I was so much in love with you. You don’t know how much I was in love with you. But… that’s so long ago… And at the time, that’s not what you wanted remember? That night, so long ago… you didn’t hit me, but you were so mad at me. Remember? Am I talking to the same guy that slept on my floor for the rest that night?”

“I’ve already told you many times that I was sorry for how I reacted that night… but there’s something I never told you Jack. That night, when you began to touch me… I wasn’t sleeping. I was awake. And I let you go on because I loved what you were doing to me. And I loved it when you started to jerk me off. It felt so good… Then you made me cum…and then I got scared. Of what? I don’t know. I wasn’t mad at you… I was scared! I didn’t know what to do and I guess I was shocked….”

“…And you’ve waited all those years to tell me that? You’re crazier that I thought!”, I answered…

“…Yes… I know. I’m so sorry dude… I mean…”

“…NO. Shut up Richard.” I shouted. I was so mad. “You don’t know what I’ve been through because of you Richard. And I think that you will never understand…”

“…You have the right to be mad at me Jack…”

“Yes, I’m mad at you. But then… I’m not. Thanks to you, I left Montréal… went to Paris, then to Martinique where I finally met Mike. So I guess I should be thankful to you…”

“…Yeah… that guy…”, Richard answered…

“What do you mean “that guy”? Don’t you ever … ever say anything against him, you hear? And I’m serious Richard. You can think and say all you want about me… you can walk over me like if I was a doormat… but I’ll never let you say anything against Mike, you hear? NEVER. Is that clear?”

“… Sorry Jack. Really. I’m sorry…”

“Fine. Now Richard… what the hell are you trying to tell me? That you’re gay?”

“I don’t know. Really I don’t. All I know is that I like being with you… and that I’m happy to be in bed with you tonight. And sometimes, when I make love to a girl… I imagine I’m making love with you…”

“Have you ever done something with a guy?”

“Yes…”

“Oh?”

“…With you, remember? You jerked me off…”

“That’s not what I meant silly! What I want to know is whether or not you’ve done something else with other guys…”

“No. I haven’t.”

“But you’d like to…”

“With you, yes… with other guys, I don’t know…”

“So if I understand you correctly… you don’t know whether you’re gay or not. You’ve made love with so many girls, I think you don’t even know how many… but you have never tried anything with a guy before. Um. Except jacking off with me when we were kids and except for the night I jerked you off. And I suppose you have never kissed a guy before, huh?”

“Nope…”

“But you’d like to have sex with me…”

“Yep”.

“…Get serious Richard! That’s just a silly fantasy you have! You don’t really want to have sex with me, and you’re not gay! It’s just that you have that kick and would like to experience something new. That’s all.”

“No no… I swear…”

“Yeah… sure. Well… if you’re serious about that Richard, then kiss me! Kiss me right now! Can you?”

“…You want me to kiss you? Like… really kiss you?”

“Yes!”

He moved to his side and even if it was quite dark in the bedroom, I could see him staring at me. Then he leaned over me, and he kissed me for a few seconds…

“…How about that?”, he asked me once our lips had parted…

“…Is that the way you kiss your girlfriends?”, I asked him…

“Yeah. Sure… Why?”

“Why? You ask me why? I mean…”

Then I began thinking to myself that I just couldn’t explain to him what a real kiss was. He had kissed me like a 13 year old kid would have kissed his first girlfriend! Shit! That was bad… So I decided that the only way I could explain to him how to really kiss someone was to teach him!

I pushed him so he would lay on his back and I crawled over him. Now that I was on top of him, I took his face into my hands and began to softly kiss his forehead. Then I moved to his neck and began kissing it. I lingered there for a few seconds, to let him feel my hot breath on his throat. Then I moved up to his ear and began nibbling behind it. I felt him shiver and gasp as I did this, so I kept it up for a while… then I moved south to his Adam’s apple. I ground my crotch into his and smiled to myself, feeling his hard dick throbbing against mine.

After a while, I slowly kissed my way to his lips and brushed against his own ever so slightly. Then, once he had totally surrendered to me, I raked my fingers through his hair and began kissing just his lower lip. His breathing was heavy by now and I couldn’t help but grin. Then I moved in for a real kiss. At first, I began to circle his lips with the tip of my hot tongue. Then my lips caressed his… and my tongue slowly made its way into his mouth where it found his own tongue. As I was grinding my crotch into his, Richard began groaning and moaning into my mouth. The tip of my tongue touched the roof of his mouth and Richard shuddered. We sealed our lips simultaneously and I my tongue began to swirl around his, forcing it to duel with mine…

A very long kiss followed. But Richard never wrapped his arms around me… he never tried to squeeze my buns or anything. He was taking from me all that I could give to him, but wasn't giving back anything to me in return. He made me feel like if I was there to please him and didn’t need to be pleased in return.

I gave him all I had and kissed him the best I could because as I wanted him to learn what a real kiss was all about. But I had learned what I wanted to learn and had made up my mind.

And when our long kiss finally ended, I crawled back to my place and laid on my back without saying a word. 

“WOW”, Richard said… That was… that was fantastic! I didn’t know you were such a good kisser. Shit… I didn’t even know we could kiss like that!”

“Un-huh… And it’s even better when you’re in love with the person that you’re kissing”

“…I don’t know about that… but it was so good as it was that I don’t care if I never know how it feels when in love…”, he answered, trying to catch his breath…

Poor Richard, I thought to myself. He doesn’t even realize what he has just said to me. He had just confirmed to me he wasn’t in love with me and that he didn’t care about that!

“…Jack?”

“Yes”…

“…Um… can I ask you something?”

“Yes. What?”

“…Are you going to blow me?”

“(…) No.”

“No? But why? You are as hard as I am. I know that. And you’re horny. Don’t deny it… I know you are…”

“Maybe. But I won’t blow you Richard.”

“Tell me why, huh? Just tell me…”

I slowly sat on my bed. On a small table next to my bed there’s a lamp, and I turned the light on. Then, I looked at Richard and said:

“Come Richard. Sit in front of me… I want to talk to you…”

He did as I had asked and he looked at me straight in the eyes.

“What?”, he asked…

“You really want to know why I won’t blow you?”

“…Yes!”

“Fine. There are two reasons why I won’t do it… The first reason is because you don’t love me. You’re not in love with me Richard…”

“…How do you know that huh?”

I grinned and answered:

“Believe me Richard. I know. Sure, you love me. You probably love me more than you love any of your other friends. But you’re not really “in love” with me. You see Richard, when we are in love with someone and we make love with that person, we forget about ourselves and only think about the other one. All we want is to pleasure the other one. We give ourselves totally and we surrender totally to the other one…. If you were in love with me Richard, you wouldn’t ask me to blow you… right now, you would be between my legs, blowing me… You would want to please me. You wouldn’t ask me to blow you. When I’m in love Richard, I give to the person I love all I have. There are no limits. But I expect the same from my lover. You understand? Do you remember in school when we studied Antigone?”

“…Yes…”

“You remember when she said to her Uncle Creon “Je veux tout, tout de suite” (I want all, now…). Well, I’m just like her. I want love. I want it all. Now. I don’t think it’s possible to “learn” how to really love someone. You fall in love with someone or you don’t. Love is there, or it isn’t. Love can grow or it can die. But at first, it has to be there.”

“…And what’s your second reason?”

“My second reason? (…) You know that I’ve been very much in love with you Richard. I still find you to be very attractive. To be honest, when I kissed you the way I did, I fulfilled an old dream of mine. But while I was kissing you, I felt something in my heart. And I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to fall in love all over again with you. And I don’t want that to happen.”

“…But why?”

“…Because you’re not in love with me. Should I let myself fall in love with you again, I know that I will suffer. You’re here with me tonight, but where will you be tomorrow Richard? Huh? I have already given to you all that I had, and you left me with nothing in return. You started to go out with a girl and left me there. I didn’t blame you at the time. But I suffered. I saw you kiss her… I spent so many nights crying, knowing that you were in her arms. I won’t go through that again Richard. Once in a lifetime is quite enough. And it has nothing to do with Mike, as you may think. You see Richard, if I thought that you were in love with me… I’d blow you right away. I’d jump on you… and then I would want you to fuck me!”

“…I do love you Jack…”

“Yes. You do. I know you do. As much as I love my brother Robert. You see the difference? Do you understand what I’m trying to explain to you? Do you?”

“(…)”

“No. You don’t. I can see in your eyes that you don’t. I’m not mad at you Richard. You just don’t know what real love is all about. It’s not your fault. But Richard… you will never know what true love is if first, you don’t know who you really are. (…) Paul once said to me that in order to know who I really was, I had some soul searching to do first. He said something I will never forget… that I had to accept myself as I am, so each and every morning I could look at myself into a mirror and say to myself: “Yup! That’s me. That’s who I am. That’s what I am…”. Tonight, I’m saying the same thing to you Richard: Be honest with yourself. Find for yourself who you really are. Maybe you’re straight. Maybe you’re gay… or maybe you’re bisexual. I don’t know. It is for you to find that out. And until you do that, you will never be able to really fall in love with someone.”