Sunshine and Roses

Justin was not aware that he touched Lowry as often as he did. Sometimes it was only a brief grazing. He needed that contact. It served to put ease in his heart. The expression of love Lowry saw in the other man's blue eyes was real enough and strong enough that it was unmistakable. These things proved chaotic to Lowry. It made him feel restless and awoke emotions in him that turned his sleep into disoriented dreams. On the day he was to leave to return to Sir Guy's home, Justin said, "You need not go." Joy filled his heart when he saw the indecision in the monk. "I love you." His words were spoken softly, so low only Lowry could hear. Still, the man of God turned, left him.
Lowry's days were filled with loneliness. Despite the demands on his attention the children gave, his thoughts often turned to Justin. Lowry's nights were worse. The things he fought so often in his conscious state were plyesd out in his dreams. His emotions grew until they overwhelmed him. Conquered, he borrowed a horse on his next day off and rode to Justin. It seemed to Lowry that the ex-mercenary was waiting for him outside the castle. Sir Robert, who stood speaking with Justin, left without a word.
"You win, " His words were hushed, wooden. His head was lowered in defeat.
"Do I?" Justin inquired in a detached tone.
"yes." Lowry dismounted, stood watching the other man.
"I do not think so. Return to Sir Guy, Brother Raymond. I do not want you here if you look upon it as a punishment."
"I cannot live like this!"
Justin could feel people watching them. "Let us go into the castle. We will have our privacy there."
"I will be going against everything the Church teaches us."
"Yes, but will you be going against your heart?"
There was only a moment's hesitation. "Nay."
Justin took pity on the other man. He understood that fear, that uncertainty. Lowry was not only a virgin in his body, but in his mind as well. "Let us go in. We will not do anything that you do not wish to do."
Mice scattered as they slipped inside, went to the huge fireplace. They stood staring at each other and then Justin rested his hand on Lowry's neck. The monk began to tremble. He stepped away, sank down to the floor, huddled there in confusion.
"Shall I leave you alone then?" He fought the pain in his heart.
"Justin, please!" It meant, no! It meant, help me! It meant . . .please. . . Lowry turned his back, bent his head.
Again, Justin understood. In love, in tenderness, he went to the other man, knelt down beside him, held the quivering monk. 
"Your hands are cold, " the soldier of fortune said. He did not attempt to keep the love from his voice. Soothing a path up and down Lowry's back, he murmured, "I know, how terrifying it is, this thing you are feeling. It is new and strong and it is overwhelming you with its intensity." 
Lowry's arms went around the other man. He buried his face against the other's chest. They sat like that for almost an hour with Justin stroking the shivering back, murmuring words of encouragement and love and then he lifted the other man's head. Lowry's green eyes held trust but they also contained confusion. They kissed. It was a gentle touching at first. Justin did not want to scare Lowry. It was the monk who changed the kiss. When Lowry broke the touching, Justin allowed him the time he needed to come to grips with what he was feeling. he simply held him tightly. Indeed, he had to master his own emotions as well. If he moved too fast, Lowry would become too frightened and run. Justin did not want that.
His chin touched the bald spot the church had given to Lowry when he took his first vows. "It is a shame they've damaged your hair, Ray. The rest is so soft, so silky, it is a pity they had to had cut it."
The vows he had taken came rushing back to Ray Lowry, and along with that memory came guilt and the feeling of dishonor. He broke loose and ran to the door. Though Justin wanted to go after him, he knew it would not look right to those who worked outside. Sadness touched his own soul.
Outside, Lowry jumped on the horse he had borrowed from his employer, and rode off.
Justin too left the castle. Robert walked slowly to him but he said nothing of what he was thinking when he saw the ex-soldier-of-fortune's face. Instead he asked, "Shall we ride into town and check on the delivery of the glass?"
"Yes."
"He might not be able to give in, " Robert said in a low, compassionate voice.
That had occurred to William Justin. "I know, " he agreed in desolation. He was almost forty years old. Why in God's good name did he have the bad luck to fall in love with a monk?